Spank The Monkey

It is fucking ten minutes past fucking 5 in the fucking morning.

Yes, I just got home. It has been an extremely long day (and night) for me; very eventful.

I am still jacked-up…very much jacked-up because of the (stupid) event.

It all began as I was driving towards West Port City when I received a call from Yummy Baby saying that Glaucoma Monkey, who is her ex, was beating her up. I went, “Fuck! I better head that way knowing what he can do to her.” My mid worked overtime, half expecting Glaucoma Monkey to lie in wait to pounce on the first assistance rendered to Yummy Baby.

I stopped at a petrol pump to check my arsenal. Fuck la. My arsenal was more like arse-hole. I had a crowbar, tool kit, a can of Ridsect, and a plier. Crowbar would have been messy, I thought. Tool kit, well, if I wanted to give him a long screw, I’d use the screwdriver. Ridsect, sprayed into his eyes might cure him of his glaucoma…and that is a serious no-no, because I would have found the cure for blindness due to too much wanking when young. So pliers would be the best. I thought, maybe if I could whack him good enough and use the pliers to extract his finger and toe-nails, it would be good for him. He doesn’t have to worry about having long finger and toe nails anymore. Then it dawned upon me that it might be messy as he would bleed and stain my nice FOS short-sleeved shirt. Fucker. He is going to get away with it.

So I decided to get help from Funky Lady and Big Kahuna. Luckily they were around and headed straight for Yummy Baby‘s place to try stop Glaucoma Monkey from hurting Yummy Baby badly. During that time, Glaucoma Monkey had hit Yummy Baby at least three times and had lifted her to throw her off from the 3rd floor balcony. Lucky for Yummy Baby that when she screamed, her maid rushed to her aid, and Glaucoma Monkey‘s plan was foiled. Yummy Baby then rushed into her room and locked herself up in there. Soon, Funky Lady arrived and rushed to her aid.

Glaucoma Monkey sensed that he was in trouble, tried to flee. That was when I arrived with two Five-O’s in dark blue at the gate. I blocked Glaucoma Monkey‘s escape route. I alighted the car to inform the boys in blue that the bastard was trying to make escape. Glaucoma Monkey swung towards me, his hand missed my face, as I, side-stepped to evade his fist, then gave him one punch in the belly. He’s a tall guy and his arms’ reached farther than mine. Upon realising that the Five-O‘s were there to arrest him, he tried to make peace with me, to which I told him to piss off. I got into my car and went to see Yummy Baby. I found her and Funky Lady crying inside the room, with Buddy Boy, Yummy Baby‘s son, shivering in fear. I calmed them down, and spoke nicely to Buddy Boy, and the Five-O‘s asked Funky Lady to take Yummy Baby down to the police station to file a police report. Soon, a Paddy Wagon arrived to take Glaucoma Monkey back to the zoo.

Anyway, Yummy Baby made a police report against Glaucoma Monkey, who in turn made a police report against me saying I tried to kill him. Well, one punch to the fucking tummy is not my idea of trying to kill someone. My daughter Nisaa does that all the time to her elder brothers and they are still eating Maggi well.

Soon, statements were recorded from both Yummy Baby and I. Big Kahuna and Funky Lady were there to wait for us. After that, Funky Lady drove Yummy Baby to the hospital for a check-up.

A few funny things happened. Inspector Gadget, upon learning my identity, sought my help for a transfer to another department, and while waiting to be checked by a Battered-Women Aid medical officer, Yummy Baby got her fingernails polished by a seemingly-bored Funky Lady, while Big Kahuna wanted to bribe a few patients so Yummy Baby could get examined quickly.

The night ended with us all going for nasi lemak in Kingston Town.

And I am still jacked-up now. I wish I was there earlier to stop the whole thing from happening. I should have spanked the monkey more.

Anyway, any of you guys want to have fun, go to a public phone booth and say your hatred to Glaucoma Monkey, the woman-basher by calling his number 019-378 3048.