The First Night (And All The Myths Attached To It)

caught on the first night

Do you remember your first night? Well, if you are not married then I shall rephrase that to: Do you remember the first time you did it? But I will just talk about the first night after the wedding, and this posting is applicable to couples who did not do a test-drive prior to the wedding.

Do you know that according to the malay custom, there are 44 pre-marital taboo items? Among them are:

Bride and groom should not meet each other for 40 days to avoid being talked about, and to avoid sexual intercourse,
Do not eat rice with gravy to avoid the tummy getting bloated before the wedding,
Do not pee or dump crap into a watery body (such as lakes and rivers) for fear it may weaken the sexual organ (male),
Do not masturbate,
Read the Quran a lot to deter Satan’s whispers

and lots of other crappy stuff that you have to abide or forever be condemned to an impotent life. it sounds as if the malay male population comprises of sex maniacs…not that I am complaining about this stereotyping of the malay male.

There would always be jokes made about the first night, like how edgy the new husband is that when in sleep the wife’s elbow would hit him whenever she turns to reposition herself, the husband would wake up immediately and go, “Awat, Yang? Nak-nak la ni ka?”, or, “Nak bagi mai seliang lagi ka?”

And of course there would be that joke about how sexually-driven they would be that by the end of the honeymoon period, the husband would go, I’m cumminggggggggggggggg……..”, then PUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!, only wind would come out.

I couldn’t get leave for my first wedding. I was still at work on the eve of my wedding, then rushed off to Alor Setar, stayed at the Grand Continental Hotel, and got married the next morning. The celebration went on all night with the Wayang Kulit Asun guys performing. I was so tired because I had not slept for two nights because of work that I fell asleep and nothing happened that first night…an omen perhaps. I know I got up late the next morning, rested for a while, and then rushed back to office later that day because I started work the following day.

And one of the taboos of the first night is: NEVER ALLOW ANYONE INTO THE BRIDAL CHAMBER SO NO ONE CAN DO ANYTHING BAD TO THE BRIDE AND GROOM. This is so true. A relative of mine got married at the kampung and while he and the wife were having dinner, my cousins and I decided to transfer the public address system’s microphone into the room, placed beneath the bed. As they banged away that night, we turned on the amplifier. Imagine how well sound travel in the dead of the night in a very silent kampung.

Some couples like sex with each other so much that even after they are divorced, they maintain sexual contact. It is weird, bordering to sick. Sometimes they each have a partner, but still meet up for old times sake. Sometimes it is the ex-husband who, while having married another wife, wants to prove to the ex-wife that he can be just and fair to them both; so has the best of both worlds by being able to screw his current and ex wives. Well, I don’t know what you women think, but it is always the guy who gets to have the best fuck after all.

Anyway, for those who have just gotten married, please fuck like rabbits, and stay married so you can fuck like rabbits. At least that way you keep each other happy, tire yourself out, and have little or no chance to look for others to mate.

And remember…don’t eat a chicken’s head so you don’t fall asleep during bersanding!