I have been upset. It has not been a good month for me. There isn’t a moment that I have not thought about death and how to go about achieving it. Only two things stop me. My kids, and my thoughts of her. No matter how close to impossible it seems as she puts it. Everytime I sit behind the wheel of my car, especially that Saga, I reason with myself that I should make it back home alive.
Today is no different. After being back-stabbed by trusted ones like Caesar was a millenium ago, I received news about Choy a.k.a Metalized‘s current health condition. He is suffering from cerebral aneurysm, which can be life threatening. You can read about it in his latest blog posting.
Damn this. I have had the worst birthday, the worst month in terms of emotional rollercoaster ride, shunned by my whole family because of my pursuit of happiness despite someone’s uncertainty, and now, a good friend whom I have grown fond of, is facing a real uncertainty in life.
How can life be so f***ed up? How much worse can it get? Is there anymore? Anything more that is worse than this? Give it to me. Why can’t I die instead? Everyone says I am a bad person, so take me, and end the miseries of others. My wife says she is rich, so let her take care of the kids. After all, my journey forward after having gone through the steps is still filled with uncertainties…so take me. Why take Choy who is just at the peak of his life? At least I only have someone I can look at but still don’t know if I can hold her for good.
I’m swimming all alone in a pool of darkness
and I feel like darkness is slowly pulling me under
I yell for help but no one is there to hear it
I begin to see the water at eye level
and I kick and flail
fighting to stay above the darkness
But the darkness won’t let go of its hold on me
and I slowly begin to give in
to the feeling that lies below the water line
the waters starts to fill my lungs
the lungs that once held so much life
yet now they allow the murky water to replace that
I know that this path doesn’t lead to happiness
But why doesn’t someone grab my hand
pull me from darkness’s grasp?
because no one knows I stand at the boundary
the boundary between light and dark
so I give in to the thing that holds me
All of the strength and all of the courage
that I once held in my heart
can’t save me from the water
So I slowly slip below the world of conscientiousness
undetected by the occupants of that world
I don’t want to fight anymore
I’ve given into darkness
This mortal coil…will end in tears.
SeaDemon Says 