Category: What da f***!!

This is the Internet speed I’m on tonight….sigh.

I’m sick of life.

Sometimes what life has in store for me sickens me.

Therefore I’m sick of life.

It’s been a long and tiring day. Completed one job and when the payment’s cleared, I hope to buy more equipment. When I arrived home, the little one was by the front grill extending her right hand, wanting to shake my hand while I was still inside the car. Yeah, I drove my dive car: the Saga. The Naza Ria’s back from the workshop after changing its bearings. I should really tend to my garden. The lawn needs mowing. One of my converted IKEA lamps is in need of some repairs.

But nothing that I have written above has anything to do with what I had originally wanted to write.

People bitch. I don’t mean humans do it with dogs, although some partners can look like dogs. What I mean is, people love gossips. It is the favourite past-time of, and especially of, the malays.

The malays have so many proverbs to show how malays love gossips. They love to know about other people..the negative aspects, if possible. The proverbs are self-explanatory. Among them are: “Mulut tempayan boleh ditutup”, “Suka menjaga tepi kain orang” and a few others. My favourite is: “Mulut macam p*ki ayam.” I won’t go into translating these proverbs into English. The Dewan Bahasa dan Puaka (Chamber of Malay Language and Horrors) may not like it.

Anyway, as I sat at this coffee shop in Port Klang, I overheard two old maids talking about an absent third person’s affair with someone else’s husband. As true as the story may seem, when related to another person, the effect is 16-folds. Why so? This new person will spread it to four other persons and these four will each have four listeners. Of course, these two old maids are oblivious and indifferent to the fact that such gossips could permanently destroy the marriage of this person they were talking of.

You give a book written by Dr Ambrose to a malay woman and she will rot alive. You’ll see maggots eat her brain. But if you give her tabloids like Bacaria, URTV, Media Hiburan, Mangga and so on, she’ll be prickier than the prick of a horny 16-year old looking down the cleavage of a 80-year old woman. You can see the millions of gossip forums participated by malays on the Net..all dedicated to assassinating the characters of movie stars, singers and VIPs. From the way they dress up to what they drink. These people know it all. It is as if they live permanently in the house of their victims. Much like parasites do actually, come to think of it.

Sadly, it is not only limited to the Malay women-folks. The men are into gossips as well. For example, when Tun Dr Mahathir was the Prime Minister, members of the Opposition used to go around in “religious sermons” telling how this Pharoah-like person does not get up early to perform the dawn prayers. They know things that even Tun Dr Siti Hasmah wouldn’t know as the wife of Tun Dr Mahathir. They love it when they can feel superior by making others look small. Which is why RELA people love to conduct raids so they can videograph a woman urinating, and Religious Affairs officers love to turn “halal-voyeurs” before they nab a couple committing “close proximity.” So much so that some “religious-pious-wanna-be’s” like the Chief Minister of Malacca and one State Executive Councillor of Terengganu had wanted to set up the “Skodeng Squad” (literally: Snoop Squad) to be manned by the Snoop Dogs.

Enter the young Mufti of Perlis…who is bent on clearing up the misconception of Islam brought about by those people mentioned above. To these people, suddenly their intepretation of Islam has come under challenge by this young Mufti. But I agree with the learned Mufti that spying on one’s privacy is one of the greatest sins in Islam. This is mentioned in both the Al-Quran and the traditions of Muhammad (pbuh).

So, the next time you think of gossiping and cannot mind your own business, think of Hellfire. Only one Latin sentence befits you: Raptus regaliter.

Ah…it’s 4.33am. Mihi ignosce. Cum homine de cane debeo congredi. Die dulci fruere. And stop gossiping about others.

Thursday May 3, 2007

Dad says son manhandled at RMAF college

By SIRA HABIBU

ALOR STAR: A Royal Malaysian Air Force College student, who made headlines after footage of him being tortured was released to the media, has requested to be released from the cadet programme.

Muhammad Hazim Ahmad Azman, 20, is requesting to be released on grounds that he is traumatised and demoralised.

In February, footage showing Muhammad Hazim being forced to drink drain water and swallow his vomit was released to the media.

Mouseover this picture please

There is a famous arch as you enter the Sungai Udang Camp. It says: “Selamat Datang Ke Pusat Latihan Peperangan Khas Kem Sungai Udang. Kedatangan Kamu Tidak Diundang. Jikalau Ragu Silakan Pulang” or something to that effect.

I remember some of the things I had to do as an Officer Cadet. We were late in navigation by 3 minutes and we were ordered to submerge ourselves in this little pond at a vegetable farm that reared pigs as well in Bukit Pelanduk. We ate in that pond, we were asked to do a swimming competition amongst the 10-men section.

During commando orientation, my squad and I had to crawl on a tarred kampung road and to crawl from one electricity pole to another by the count of 5. And of course the instructors always start their counts from3 for some stupid reason. We crawled from 8am to 5pm, and were told to attend Show Parade in the same combat order but must be in pristine condition. How stupid can things get? For failing that, it was 1000 squat jumps, 1000 push-ups, 1000 sit-ups…some of which I still owe to an instructor who is now dead. I was whacked onthe head while wearing the steel helmet without the inner during Dark Water phase. I had faeces put on the head and stand in the hot afternoon on the parade square before I could wear my blue beret. I was kicked around by instructors at my flight training school from 9pm through 7am just because I didn’t drink nor smoke. During the mess orientation in Ipoh, I was made to count the number of brothels there were within the Ipoh District Council’s (now Ipoh City Hall) area. I missed by 1. There were 188 then. For that I was made to screw the oldest and most revolting prostitute from 20 of the most gross brothels of my seniors’ choice..in a span of 2 hours. And imagine having to show them a condom filled with sperm everytime you leave the room. Of course after the 4th whore, I got smart and took used condoms inthe dustbin.

The thing is, if you are not prepared mentally to join the military service, don’t join. And if the military does not break you mentally and re-mold you into a fighting machine, then there goes the defence of the nation.

This pussy should read the writing on the arch at Sungai Udang. Then leave the service as soon as possible.

And what if God’s dead?
We must have done something wrong!
This dark facade ends
We’re independent from someone!

This is a letter I wrote as a comment to Azlan Chao‘s posting in his blog on his resignation from the Nation’s Most Favoured Multinational Company.

26th April 2007

Mr. Chao, Azlan
Nation’s Most Favoured Multinational Company
47400 Somewhere in PJ

Dear Mr Chao,

This is to confirm our conditional offer of membership to you for a permanent full-time alumni member in the Sports Club, EWL Alumni effective Sunday, 29th April 2007. You will be eligible for reallocation of your position to the permanent level following actual self-eviction from EWL.

This is a conditional offer of membership. Civil Service Rule 1-7 requires that all persons who are not currently EWL employees submit to and pass a pre-employment humour test prior to their actual appointment to the classified service to ensure that they still maintain some sense of humour and that all is not lost after working so long in a boring and self-incriminating organization. Enclosed is a Custody and Control Form that you need to take with you to a test site where you will be required to provide a stool sample for the test; included is a listing of approved test sites in this area. You will be required to have picture identification when you go for testing. An appointment is not necessary, however, you must be tested within 24 hours of receipt of this letter or this conditional offer of membership is withdrawn. We will be in contact with you when we have received the results of the test, which normally is in three to five days. If you test negative, refuse to be tested, interfere with the testing procedure, or tamper with a test sample, this conditional offer of membership is withdrawn.

If the result of the pre-employment humour test is positive, you will be expected to report to the Personnel Office located at Teknologi Park Malaysia at 9.00am on 4th May 2007. At the time of hire we will need to make a copy of your driver’s license and ING card. Enclosed please find insurance and beneficiary designation forms that you may prefer to complete prior to your start date and bring with you on May 4th. If you have any questions about the forms or coverage, just bring the forms with you and we will assist you in completing them during your orientation. Documentation for those persons you will have on your insurance contract must be provided as indicated on the enclosed information sheet.

Enclosed please find a copy of the Membership Handbook so that you may have an opportunity to review it prior to your hire date.

We wish to welcome you to our alumni list and look forward to seeing you on May 4th 2007. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me at 03-76609787.

Sincerely,

Stupid Boy Who Likes To Sneak Into Other People’s Office

This time a year ago, Oneon, Walking Vibrator, Jai the Bhai and I were sitting in the Boardroom of the Nation’s Most Favoured Multinational company. By the end of the day, save for Jai the Bhai, plus another three persons parted ways with the company. I was there for 3 years and 4 months. Of the six, I am the only one who totally severed myself from the world of telecommunications.

It was a good experience. The trade shows and conferences in Geneva and Singapore, the quarrels with a telco, the 2-week deployment in Langkawi that really was 4 months, the straight face I kept while listening in to the discussions by our Thai counterparts, crazy Jakarta. A day earlier I had been diving in Tioman to deploy the DHL reef, the next day I was already jobless, but that did a lot of help: 5 days later I was on my way back to Tioman with my Dive Buddy, and the 20-year Question came into being.

There were great and bad moments working there as there were great and bad people in that company. The company had lots of ideas but making ideas reality is something of a challenge that has never been met. Many more have left since then: when I left the company had some 70 odd people; it now has less than 30. The attrition rate is more than half in the span of a year. I sold the last of my shares related to that company 2 months later when I was doing a deep dive off Tioman.

And how am I doing now? At times I earn more than twice my previous monthly salary, at times it’s at par. And it feels great earning money through something I have passion for.

To those vying for the title as Last Local Employee Standing, I wish you all the best.

So, it will be a straight fight between Barisan Nasional and Parti Keadilan Rakyat. The former is fielding outsider K. Parthiban, while the latter is fielding Tan Sri Khalid Ibrahim, a heavyweight, for the task.

I won’t go into details of the history of the Ijok constituency, but I’ll write here my assessment of the whole thing.

There are 12,272 voters in Ijok. 6263 malays, 3456 indians and 2553 chinese. The winner will have a majority of 1,132.

I won’t say which way.

Yes. Datuk Ismail Sabri Yaakob, the MP for Bera, has suggested in Parliament for bloggers to be curtailed for spreading rumours and lies about members of the government.

He also cited that Internet users believe bloggers more than mainstream newspapers.

I suppose he can’t use his brain as a good sensical filter, so he needs to be checked all the time.

I was reading the newspapers after dinner tonight when I heard some singing on the television set. I honestly thought my children were watching some school karaoke contest.

I have never heard anything worse than this in the past AF series…from AF2 through AF4. None of the worst singers of the past series sounded as bad as the best singer of this series.

Holy sh**!