Category: What da f***!!

Posted on

Dry Season

Drying up

Two days ago, Selangor Exco Dato’ Ch’ng Toh Eng told people in the Klang Valley to wash and prepare all their pails for another round of water rationing, as happened back in 1998, due to El Nino. If you hadn’t noticed it has been hotter than usual lately.

Back in 1998, when the water shortages was about to begin, I was already stationed at the (then spanking new) National Sports Council complex to prepare for the North Pole parachute expedition. When I came back from Russia, water rationing was already in full swing. So what I used to do was to drive along the North South Highway, between KL and Tanjung Malim, stop at any of the rest areas or R&R to shower, then go back to my apartment where I was living alone then. Not that I had any problems with my water supply as I was living alone (I was already divorced and my children were staying with my ex-wife then), but I made full use of public facilities. So as my neighbours hurried downstairs with pails when the water truck arrives, I was washing my car, much to the disgust of my neighbours. I remember one scolded me for wasting water. I told her to go suck on her boyfriend’s dick for water because I pay my own water bills.

Now, there are nine people living in this house. I’ll need to buy huge water storage tanks just in case. It would be to obvious driving to R&R’s for nine people to shower.

Posted on

Dogs In Islam – Part 3

The following is an e-mail comment I received from a friend who is a Syariah Lawyer:

Yes, you are right. Issue of what is right or wrong seems to be blurred by those who claim to be the keepers of knowledge in Islam.

In actual fact, even the major scholars ( and by this I mean ‘major’ in the sense that they are accepted by all as Muslim Scholars) whose school of thought were documented and of which there are their respective followers, never and I repeat never said that their fellow brethren scholars were wrong where there exist different opinions of thought.

What we all forget is that Islam and the holy Quran which was brought to the Prophet s.a.w was meant for all time and to last till the end of time at that.

Its flexible and subject to interpretation. They are traditional ways of interpretation such as ihjtihad, ijma and qiyas but this does not separate logic and common sense in anyway. That’s the reason the all mighty had given us that little grey matter between our heads.

As for dogs, yes they are creatures of the all mighty just like you and me, the little piggy down the street and the Imam’s and self righteous people of this world. So who is to say that one is impure and the other is not save for the express decree of god where applicable. If you are to keep dogs, just make sure that hygiene is maintained and that the dogs do no harm to your neighbours/the community at large by attacking them etc!!

At the end of the day, the only person to judge would be the all mighty and no one else. So to each his own….

Posted on

Dogs in Islam – Part 2

I am posting this reply to the comments by Diverdel and Shawn:

There is one thing that i do not believe in: the school of thoughts. While there are some good guidelines that I can use, as Diverdel has pointed out, we take the prescriptions by these schools of thoughts as something that MUST be done, and to go against is sinful.

First and foremost, who rightfully can say whether or not such and such an act is a sin? Who dishes out rewards for good deeds and punishments for bad deeds? Only the Almighty has that power.

Shawn, there is nowhere in the al-Quran that says you cannot touch a dog. There are FIVE prescribed findings by these schools of thoughts: 1) you cannot touch at all; 2) you can touch only when it’s dry; 3) you cannot touch unless its nose and tongue are dry; and some others I cannot remember. Even amongst the scholars they are divided over this. But which NAS or DALIL did they use to come up with these guidelines when the Quran says nothing about it? Even the hadith used are DAIF (weak) and some PALSU (false). The only school of thought that goes back to the Quran on this is Maliki as mentioned above.

Diverdel’s point on having to follow strictly to Imam Shafie’s teachings here in Malaysia is something that is actually a cause for alarm. Muslims in Malaysia cannot understand that it is just an intepretation by Shafie…therefore whether you follow it or not has nothing to do with sins and rewards. Shafie says he’s right; Hanafie says he’s right…but why do we need to do the act of adopting another mazhab as mentioned about the Tawaf above? Back in England, I have seen followers of Shafie and Hanafie and Hanbalie whack each other in a mosque because the imam for the Aidil Fitri prayers is a Hanafie. If there is a Shiah here in Malaysia performing rites according to Shiah’s traditions, he can be jailed! In Iraq, such strict followings are causing thousands of innocent Muslims lives lost annually – and all because of schools of thoughts.

Aren’t we all praying to the same God? If we uphold the Six Pillars of Faith and believe in it without a single shadow of doubt, why are we taking teachings prescribed by scholars as “our way of life and no two ways about it”? We read the books they write and subscribe to it strictly..but when it comes to the Quran that we’re supposed to be guided by and with, we question its contents and ask what the scholars thought about what God has decreed.

Posted on

Dogs In Islam

An Alsatian

When doing my A Levels in the UK, I used to take my neighbour’s dogs for walkies. I even pat them. My fellow Malaysian Malay Muslims would cringe and ask if I am a Muslim.

Dogs are being labeled as najasah (dirty impurity) by Muslims who take the words of so-called scholars (Ulama’) as something inscribed in stone, without once refering to what God has said in the al-Quran about dogs. The fact is God reated every living thing on this earth as belonging to an ummah (community). So human beings, cats, dogs, pigs are all of one community that was created to be subservient to the One God. There is no distinction between these creatures as to whether a pig is more pure than a human being, or if a cat is better than a dog. The fact is, dogs have been mentioned in the al-Quran several times…5 times if I read correctly.

The concept of a dog being dirty came about with false hadiths claiming that the Prophet (pbuh) ordered the killing of dogs and that dogs can only be kept for the purpose of guarding and hunting, due to their dirty status. If Muslims are able to read the Quran, then such hadith should be decreed as lies fabricated to ridicule the Prophet (pbuh).

God tells us in the Quran about the story of the dwellers of the Cave (Surah 18)……in verse 13 God tells us that they were good believers and that God guided them. In verse 18 God tells us that they had their dog with them. Now if dogs are prohibited and dirty, would God speak of those dwellers of the Cave (who had a dog) as good believers?

In 5:4 God tells us that it is OK to eat what the trained dogs catch (dogs are used in hunting)……….if dogs are dirty would God say that it is OK to eat what they catch with their mouths.In 5:4, God said:

“They consult you concerning what is lawful for them; say, Lawful for you are all good things, including what trained dogs and falcons catch for you. You train them according God’s teachings. You may eat what they catch for you, and mention God’s name thereupon. You shall observe God. God is most efficient in reckoning.”

Islam is a way of life. It is when it is being given the brand of a religion that its followers have gone bonkers and come up with lots of ridiculous hogwash taboos. Imagine this: in the Shafie school of thoughts, a dog is impure and therefore anything that it touchs requires a massive cleaning operation that is 6 times with water and one time with dust/clay-water. Now…if the Arabs have hunting dogs and a dog retrieves a bird that has been shot, imagine what clay-water would do to the taste of the bird. According to Imam Malik‘s school of thoughts, a dog is not impure. You can touch it, you can hug it, it will not affect your wudu’ (ablution).

So whose Islam is right? Malik’s or Shafie’s? Don’t we all pray to the same God? And what did God say about who is a Muslim? Isn’t it about abiding to the five pillars of Islam (Rukun Islam)? And what about the six pillars of Faith (Rukun Iman)? What do they say?

The first is to believe in God’s Lordship,Oneness (Entity concept) and Attributes; second is to believe in His Angels; third is to believe in His books (the al-Quran, the Bible, the Torah and Zabur (Psalms of David); fourth is to believe in all His Messengers…25 main ones in all; fifth is to believe in the Day of Resurrection; and lastly, to believe in Fate and Divine Decree.

But as “believers” we chose not to believe in His books; what we choose to believe instead is in the sayings and writings of certain scholars whom have intepreted the Quran and hadith according to their own whims and fancies.

Back to dogs, one laughable taboo is the dog is so impure that if you were to allow dogs in your home, the Angels wouldn’t enter your house to bless it..much like garlic is to Count Dracula, or cats to Imhotep, the Mummy. But to my surprise, one Angel seems to have some kind of immunity towards dogs and still enters the home of believers and non-believers alike to take away their life.

Because we, the Muslims, have rejected God’s Quran, therefore we live in obscurity and backwardness. And we blow people up, treat women like slaves, and tell people how great we are.

Posted on

Wet Dreams

Kirsten Dunst

She was a fast machine
She kept her motor clean
She was the best damn woman I had ever seen
She had the sightless eyes
Telling me no lies
Knockin’ me out with those American thighs
Taking more than her share
Had me fighting for air
She told me to come but I was already there

’cause the walls start shaking
The earth was quaking
My mind was aching
And we were making it and you

Shook me all night long
Yeah you shook me all night long

Working double time
On the seduction line
She was one of a kind, she’s just mine all mine
She wanted no applause
Just another course
Made a meal out of me and came back for more
Had to cool me down
To take another round
Now I’m back in the ring to take another swing

’cause the walls were shaking
The earth was quaking
My mind was aching
And we were making it and you

Shook me all night long
Yeah you shook me all night long

Posted on

Tahi Suci

The real Ira Hamilton Hayes - one of those guys who raised the 2nd flag on Iwo Jima

I watched “Flag of Our Fathers” just now, about the three surviving members of the Marines (and one Navy) who raised the second US flag on Mount Suribachi, Iwo Jima. The story’s good. What attracted me were the hillarious subtitles..in malay. Let me give a few examples seen in this particular movie:

Holy Sh*t – Tahi Suci
Sail To Japan – Anjing laut ke Jepun
Get The F*ck Back – Dapatkan persetubuhan belakang
The Poor Sonofabitch – Ibnu Miskin Anjing Betina
How Are Your Men? – Bagaimana Manusia Anda?
What’s Your Goddamned Name? – Apa Nama Celaka Awak?

Three decades and things have not changed. From the days of those huge silver screens in huge theaters, to the digital age, they still cannot translate English into Malay well.

I remember watching “Battle of Midway” with the late Tun Hussein Onn at the Federal Cinema. I remember the carrier USS Yorktown was translated as “Bandar York.”

In Arnold Schwarzenegger’s “Commando”, someone said, “Don’t worry, sir. My men are expendable.” That became, “Jangan risau, tuan. Orang-orang saya boleh mengembang.” In another scene, “Don’t f*ck around with me” became “Jangan bersetubuh merata-rata dengan saya.”

No wonder the Malays fail their English and their Bahasa Malaysia.

Posted on

Office Drama

Tamil drama

The scene is set in an office somewhere in Tamil Naidu.

Alagu is an office manager of a shop that exports tairoo. His sister-in-law Soodamani, also works there, as does his mistress Anjali.

“Soodamani!” Alagu yells. “Vangge!”

Soodamani hurries to her brother-in-law’s office. “What is it, Alagu? Tell me!”

“I will have to cut operating cost because no one wants to buy our tairoo. After all, we’re still producing milk although it looks like tairoo. So more has to be spent on research and development,” Alagu explains. “So the first thing I’ll do is to ask you to quit since you’re overpaid and under-qualified.”

“What?” Soodamani retorts in disbelief. “You cannot do that to me, Alagu! My husband is away in Singapore now still working as a cook in a restaurant. I won’t have enough mony to pay for my bullock cart and so on!”

“Dey! Soothe moodu!” Alagu yells. “You do as I say or else I’ll put you up on the retrenchment list and give you only 10 paise as retrenchment benefit.”

“You do that and I’ll tell my akaa that you’ve been screwing Anjali in your office every morning!” Soodamani threatens.

“Dey, pomble! Paithiamma? If that is the game you want to play, then I’ll have no choice but to ask Anjali to leave this office as well,” Alagu bellows.

Soon this day, only Alagu the Powderful Manager, is left in the tairoo export office.

Posted on

The Day After Tomorrow

Waterspout

If you’re not worried about what’s been written in today’s THE STAR, then I don’t know what will worry you. Our “couldn’t-care-less” and “it-won’t-happen-in-my-lifetime” attitudes have taken its toll on the global climate. If Malaysians, especially, remain adamant to not recognise the danger of “riches-over-everything-else” then one day we may live long enough to regret it.

Global warming is happening and it is here to stay. When I went to the North Pole back in 1998, it was a desert. As of April last year, the polar ice cap has receded, and the organiser of the North Pole trips e-mailed me saying you can now quench your thirst by collecting water from melting ice. As a matter of fact, you can even find “puddles” on the ice surface. The warmest temperature when I was there was minus 25C; now it’s minus 4C. Some days in Geneva, Switzerland are colder. But even that is in doubt now. Alpine ski resorts closed last season because the trees were green, and so was the ground. You get multiple hurricanes and typhoons hitting the Atlantic and Pacific. It is raining here in KL daily when it is supposed to be dry season.

And believe me, when it is finally dry season, it will be drier and hotter than it was ten years ago. I see a repeat of the 1998 water crisis in KL not too long from now.

I used to tell people what it was like in the early 1970s. I used to don a cardigan over my school uniform every morning and would only take it off after recess as it would be cold. You can see mist and fog in KL on a cold morning. When I first went to Genting Highlands in 1976, we brought food from home and would put the tiffin carriers on the ledge outside the hotel room so the contents would freeze and food wouldn’t get spoilt.

If you drive along the expressway from Bangsar Shopping Center towards Taman Tun Dr Ismail, take a look at the huge monsoon drain as you turn left going downhill from the BSC; that, my dear friends, IS the Damansara River, where families used to picnic on Sundays in a cold and clear stream. Look at what it is now. There also used to be streams and a river flowing through what is now Bandar Kinrara (the phase behind the Kinrara Military Hospital complex).

In the 1970s too, we used to walk along the beach at Port Dickson’s 4th mile, to collect cockles…tons of them. Water was clear at the 9th mile too, that as a kid, I used to snorkle there. I used to be able to see lots of angelfish, anemonefish in abundance there in PD. The reefs were alive, now they’re just dark red, algae-covered, and mostly dead, if not suffocating. Back in the 1970s too I used to hear of fishermen who got their feet bitten by sharks whenever they dangle their feet off their sampan. You’d be lucky to see one now. The last shark I saw in PD was a Tawny Nurse Shark that I caught 2km off PD’s Bayu Beach back in 1999. That one measured less than a meter; the largest was the one we bagged in 1986, at 2 meters in length. I used to see Guitar Shark caught by local fishermen in PD, I see none now.

It now seems as if the East Coast monsoon season has started but the West Coast monsoon hasn’t ended. Believe me when I say that the East Coast monsoon season will not end by middle of March. And as the waters of the South China Sea warms up, it will power up typhoons. Therefore we will have more diving downtimes than uptimes, and shorter dive season.

If you think conservation is a pooh-pooh, think again.

Posted on

Be Fair To The Fans As Well

Super Mokh

Do you know Hairudin Omar?

I doubt.

I didn’t know who he is until I read about why he felt like retiring from playing football. Yes, he is a Malaysian striker. Doesn’t that strike you? Made no difference to me. Hairudin felt like giving up football because he said Malaysian fans do not appreciate his struggles as someone who has sacrificed for the country. Really?

Hairudin’s name doesn’t even make a dry grass in my memory sway. Yes, I admit to not knowing any of the Malaysian team’s players, unlike those during the 1970s and early 1980s. I can still remember names like Soh Chin Aun, Wong Choon Wah, Santokh Singh, V Arumugam (a.k.a Spiderman), and of course Mokhtar Dahari (a.k.a Super Mokh). Malaysia was one of Asia’s greatest football teams. Forget South Korea or Japan. Our adversary used to be Burma (now Myanmar). I could even tell who was in control of the ball by reading the number on the jersey’s back.

I cannot do that now. When I saw Malaysia play Thailand in the previous ASEAN Cup, I wanted to laugh. There was no sense of “killing” or “winning”, they were just playing as how they practised. They did not have control of the ball, they were just showing off what they could do with the ball. And worse still, when everyone showed off their so-called quick-passing skills, the final man forward did the same and passed the ball to the opponent’s goalkeeper instead of ramming it into the goal mouth.

Pathetic.

We used to beat the hell out of South Korea…and even Red Star Belgrade. South Korea’s now a giant, qualified in the previous World Cup. And Malaysia’s team would have trouble beating My Team had the latter practise daily for a year.

Pathetic.

Posted on

It’s A Painful Day

Redneck World's Viagra OD

My temperature’s back at 38C, probably because the effects of the PCM had disappeared after more than 8 hours. So went to my usual clinic, sat there, described to the doctor my symptoms, temperature, blood pressure and pulse readings at various times; then as he was going to prescribe me with Ibuprofen, I told him I am probably allergic to NSAIDs (Non-Steroid Anti-Inflammatory Drugs). He asked me how did I find that out as my record shows I declared only to be allergic to Aspirin? I told him I had had stones in the Urethra, and the GP I rushed to jabbed me with Voltaren to minimise the pain I was suffering from as I was only supposed to be allergic to Aspirin-based medicine; only for me to return some ten minutes later gasping for breath and my sinus cavities had swelled up. Even when they performed an IVU to locate the stones, I had to be prepped with Prednisolone for days before they could inject me with the IVU dye…to top that, a nurse was on stand-by in the X-ray room just in case I stopped breathing.

He then asked me what do I do for a living, and I told him that I am a full-time diver. He replied saying he’s very surprised that I know a lot of medical terminologies and thought I had worked for the health industry before.

If only he knows I have been prescribing some of my own medicines since my Air Force days…and I still do. 🙂