Day: February 12, 2008

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As The Wind Blew Strongly Outside

“You have not been sleeping properly, have you?” she asked me, her face trying to look stern, I almost laughed. I didn’t say anything. “And you had Maggi at 4.30 in the morning?”

“Yup, I did,” I admitted my guilt. There was no point for me to deny that one. The empty bowl she found by the kitchen sink this morning was evident of my bad habit of eating late at night.

“We must do something about this late night meals of yours,” she began. “I don’t want to see you grow bigger!”

I looked at her innocently and asked, “But what if it gets bigger down there?”

“Ah, like that okay la,” she replied with a smile, then spanked me hard. “But that is wishful thinking, isn’t it?”

No reply.

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King On The Throne

Play golf while dumping crap

Imagine the time wasted while you sit on the throne. The above is a new idea on what you can actually do while dumping your crap. But I cannot imagine having to walk from the throne if you want to get the ball back, and you’re having diarrhoea at that time.

I would either have a magazine or a novel with me. If I cannot get those, then I would read the fine label prints of a shampoo bottle or the toothpaste tube. However, thanks to the advent of wireless technology, I am writing this from my bedroom toilet. Imagine the number of fine ideas you get while you dump the crap out of you – marvellous.

My favourite read in the toilet would consist of anything on theology, any underwater activity, military or politics; there was once when I would frequent to the toilet after forcing myself to eat spicy food just so I could finish this non-fiction novel on the involvement of the United States Coast Guard in World War Two. There were times when I would finish one whole chapter only to find my butt feeling very dry and flaky. Of course squeezing your butt-cheek or clenching the muscles of your sphincter would help remove the flakes and make washing of the bum much easier.

Nice toilet

Nothing beats a clean toilet bowl. My favourites would include less-visited R&R or lay-bys along the North-South highway. I would however avoid the ones at the Tapah R&R because the toilets there are worse than popular prostitutes who hardly have the time to dry their pubic region because of high demand. But you cannot win them all: dumping crap is an activity that cannot be stopped by anyone, even if the King himself has summoned you. If you have to go, you have to go. Recently I was at this famous shopping mall in the Klang valley and after a bout of spicy indian food, found myself running to the gents. This was the emergency type where a simple fart in the pants would be extremely disastrous. Unfortunately, all but one toilet bowl was free, and it had to be the one with a broken seat and rim. Let me tell you, I managed to dump my crap and how I did it deserves me a phD.

So, what is your favourite activity while sitting on YOUR throne?