The meeting I was supposed to attend is now probably into its first hour. However, I am still in bed. Life has been such a rush lately that I seem to have put more important things aside.
Everything at the office have been moving at such a high pace, trying to complete in two months what the previous partner could not in two years, and at the same time having to hop between offshore platforms and doing other work I term as ‘normal’. My mind has been so preoccupied with work that I am more withdrawn now, grumpier, at times lost in my own world, and suffer from BLANK-OUTS – eyes open but don’t seem to register anything.
One episode of a blank-out caused my car to hit a post as I drove out from the office parking. I have yet to send the car for repairs.
I talk less to the wife and kids. And my work schedule made me miss seeing my children for a whole month. I had to make trips out of KL starting on weekends and away for a week or so. I get irritated easily, and things I am normally sensitive towards I now find petty. When I get home, I no longer make a stop downstairs to say Hi to the kids, or grab a cracker from the kitchen. Nowadays I just walk straight to the room and there I’d stay until I leave home for work the next morning.
And yes, my only meal yesterday was lunch. I have yet to have breakfast today.
And I have trouble sleeping at night. It is always that endless tossing and turning and finally sleeping at around 4am, only to wake up two hours later. The only time I got to have more sleep was when I was on board the rig recently – at least four hours a night.
Usually I’d call my kids daily. Now there has even been a long stretch of more than a week of not talking to them over the phone, even when I was away.
Don’t even mention about going diving. I cannot seem to find time in the near future to plan a trip. From next month onwards, I will be going to the rig every month, spending between 4 to 5 days on board. That translates into at least 7 days a month being away just for rig audit and inspection. I haven’t added other outstation trips I know I’ll be making, like doing audits and inspection at our forward bases in Labuan and Kemaman. The only consolation is I no longer have to look after the vessels. Just the drilling side.
I miss going out for movies, I think the last movie I watched was Michael Jackson’s “This Is It.” I miss driving around at night. I miss walking around with the wife aimlessly. I miss listening to laughter. I miss seeing my friends, not just the friends I made when I got to know my wife, but my friends – my dive buddies, my college mates, my Air Force squad mates.
In short, I miss my life.
I have been too busy making a living that I forgot to make a life.