SeaDemon Says

Aku drive keluar dari office tadi tetapi tak boleh nak keluar dari exit office sebab ada satu van tengah block jalan. Drivernya yang duduk di dalam tengah bertekak dengan pak guard. Rasanya pak guard suruh driver van ni buat satu round pusing sebab orang yang dia tunggu tak turun lagi tapi driver ni tak nak. Dari dalam kereta aku boleh dengar suara dia memarahi pak guard tu. Aku diam aje dalam kereta. Tapi lama-kelamaan aku bengang jugak. Kereta-kereta kat belakang aku dah horn bagai nak rak.

Tak semena-mena driver ni boleh pandang kat aku dan jerit:

“Apa horn-horn BABI?”

Lalu aku keluar dan tinggalkan kereta aku, berjalan menghala ke arah pintu driver van tersebut. Aku hentak pintu van tu dengan tangan tapak tangan aku sekuat hati sampai kemek sedikit dan dengan penuh budi-bahasa aku bahasakan dia dengan sekuat-kuatnya:

“Sedap betul mulut engkau panggil orang BABI. Dah selalu sangat hisap butoh mak engkau tiap malam, ye? Kepala ada otak tak ada! TEPI LA SIKIT KALAU NAK GADUH PUN, SUNDAL!”

Perit tekak aku macam baru lepas kasi command kat parade square masa Panglima punya inspection. Tanpa banyak berkata driver tu pun memandu vannya beredar terus dari kawasan office aku. Pak guard tadi pun tak berani nak bertentang mata dengan aku mahupun berkata apa-apa.

Bagus jugak ada MONSTER DOG ni. Sesekali aku terasa macam Jim Carrey bila pakai MASK.

Sama-sama sickening.

Cuma tak kelakar.

This morning’s newspapers greeted us with two prominent figures speaking on the same subject: the celebration of Maulidur Rasul (Maulidin Nabi), and the two figures are Dr Asri, the former Mufti of Perlis; and Datuk Nik Aziz, the PAS spiritual leader. The former spoke about the need to ban processions that congest roads while the latter questioned the need for such a celebration.

With the former, I would agree. If you talk about human rights in Islam, the need for what purpose something is built takes precedence over the need of other rights. For example, a road was built for traffic users. Therefore, their right to use the road freely and unobstructed except by law takes precedence over the need for people to use the roads to demonstrate. Furthermore, in my opinion, demonstrations achieve nothing. They serve only to incite participants, and if done frequently, present a clear and present danger of the demonstrators going unruly. If I were an employer, I would duly sack my employees who demonstrated during office hours.

The latter stressed that Maulidur Rasul was not celebrated until 300 years after the Prophet’s death. Nik Aziz asked if that would mean the people who lived between Muhammad’s time up to when his birthday was celebrated did not love Muhammad? Certainly not.

There was never a Mauliddin Nabi until some 460 years after the death of Muhammad. And this was done during the Fatimite caliphate in Egypt, which was a Shiah Caliphate (during the reign of Wazir al-Afdlal).

The Ahlil Sunnah Wal Jamaah version was brought about by King Muzaffar ad-Din Kukburi, who ruled Egypt after the Shiite caliphate was overthrown some 200 years later. King Muzaffar was the brother of the muslim warrior Saladin (Salahuddin al-Ayubbi). Because of Saladin’s involvement fighting the Christians during the Crusades, the Birthday of Muhammad was introduced to counter the birth of Christ…Christmas.

Christmas was only a date picked by the Catholics because it is one week before the new year. And they traced back to the day a comet appeared somewhere during Year Zero, and deduced that Christ was born on December 25th. The Orthodox Christians however, celebrate Christmas on January 7th, because to them, Jesus was born a week after new year, taking the new year as the day the universe was created by God, and on the 7th day there was life.

No one knows when Muhammad was born. No one had recorded his birth, and I doubt very much that the Quraisy had had a birth registration system, given the fact that they were still burying little baby girls alive then. It was just a date borne out of consensus (Ijma’) but has never been proven to be correct. As I have stated above, none of the Khulafa ar-Rashiddin ever celebrated Muhammad’s birthday, not even when he was alive. The Shiites celebrate Maulid on the 17th of Rabi’ul Awwal while the Sunnis on the 12th of Rabi’ul Awwal.

There are two schools of thoughts when it comes to celebrating the birth of Muhammad. The first being the scholars who think it is okay to celebrate based on a hadith asking Muslims to fast on a Monday as it was also the day Muhammad was born, and the day prophecy descended on him.

Those who say it is not, based their findings on the following:

Muhammad (pbuh) has said: Do not over praise me as the Christians over-praised the son of Mary. I am His slave so say: ‘Allah’s slave and messenger’ (Al-Bukhaari and Muslim)

The Messenger (Muhammad Peace and Blessings of Allah be upon him) believes in what has been sent down to him from his Lord, and (so do) the believers. Each one believes in Allâh, His Angels, His Books, and His Messengers. They say, “We make no distinction between one another of His Messengers” – and they say, “We hear, and we obey. (We seek) Your Forgiveness, our Lord, and to You is the return (of all).” (al-Quran 2:285)

Based on that ayat, and the fact that the celebration of Mauliddin Nabi originated from the Shiites, coupled with the fact that it imitates the Christian celebration of Christmas, and the fact that it was never practised by either Muhammad or any of the Khulafa ar-Rashiddin – the celebration was deemed a bida’ah and Haram by the Senior Ulama Committee of Saudi Arabia.

So, there have you. I don’t see anything wrong in remembering Muhammad, but it should not be confined to that one day where you glorify him. He should be remembered everyday in every single prayer, as you should remember all the other Messengers before him: Christ, David, Abraham, John, Moses, , Noah Adam etc. They were all human beings like us.

So, like Valentine’s Day, I do not celebrate Maulidur Rasul. I don’t mind the holiday, though. But I prefer to remember those I love on a minute-to-minute basis rather than once a year.

It is the year of the Tiger. So what does the Tiger has in store for a Horse like me this year?

HORSE: 74% (12 favorable months)

The Horse will experience a more favorable year than the other signs, the only exception being the Dog. The year’s ruling element, Metal, is not one of your best and will likely temper what would otherwise be an outstanding year, to just a very good year on all fronts. You are poised to achieve gains in many areas of your life and have a great time doing it. The Horse is forecast to have an entire year without even one unfavorable month in 2010, a very uncommon phenomenon. This is not a time to hold back or sit on the sidelines. Rather, you should proceed through the year at a gallop. You may not win every race, but there will be many times you do reach the finish line first. Keep in mind the Tiger’s influence tends to be a bit reckless. Occasionally tighten up on the reins and be more careful.

Career

The Horse is well positioned for a year of marked progress in reaching professional goals. The Tiger will be ushering in change and uncertainty. For a typical Horse, your love of variety and diversity already gives you a natural advantage over your competitors. If you are in a in a career you enjoy, the unpredictable challenges should be exhilarating. If you don’t love your industry, seek new employment as early as possible, and you’ll likely make a quick, rewarding transition. Horse sign people are often blessed with a deeply held, personal confidence that they will succeed. This belief in yourself will also benefit you, but don’t think you have failed if you don’t accomplish every goal you set for 2010. The year is about being proactive and setting the stage for ultimate achievements. You can expect to see more of those next year.

Relationships

The Horse’s interactions this year should be very rewarding. You may find yourself highly in-demand with friends and acquaintances, and your social calendar is bound to conflict at some point with your responsibilities. As a Horse sign person, you know how to enjoy a raucous time, but in the end you are not likely to risk your true objectives. Don’t let the impetuous Tiger lure you too far down the path of temptation. In your personal life, you may find yourself attending more than usual to domestic matters or family obligations, and actually enjoying it. This year should be more conducive to romance than recent years, and 2010 is an auspicious year for engagement or marriage. If you have been single or lonely, you are almost sure to find someone to feel passionate about, especially during the spring and summer months.

Health

Horses often get away with neglecting their health for long periods without experiencing negative consequences. While this may seem like a blessing, it can actually be a disadvantage because you learn to take your body for granted. As strong and resilient as you might be, you cannot endure continuous abuse without paying a price. Furthermore, those life-enhancing habits like regular exercise and nutritious foods only get harder to adopt with with time. In such a busy and active year as this one, it is almost certain your brain will be getting all the exercise it can handle. It will actually improve your performance in all areas of your life if you treat your body as well as you treat your mind.

Wealth

Finances could be the weakest area for Horses this year. You may be deluded by illusions of grandeur when you receive a raise, or a large sum of money. The Tiger may influence you to spend it, but excessive luxury purchases are not advised (I hope my wife reads this!). You are likely to face unexpected expenses, and your security will be improved if you set aside as much of your money as possible in savings and secure investments so you can cover the additional outflows without worry. You will fare well by making a habit of living below your means. Needless to say, it is not a good time for gambling or risk; don’t trust your luck where money is concerned.

Lese Majeste seems a trendy word nowadays. The term is famous in the Kingdom of Thailand, but it is not so here. There is no specific clause or proviso for lese majeste unless you wage war against the Yang DiPertuan Agong or the ruler of the respective states. So, when a couple in Penang were caught in May of 2009 for spreading an obscene comment on the Sultan of Perak on a website, they were charged instead with the production, distribution, circulation etc of obscene materials under Section 292(a) of the Penal Code of Malaysia. This carries a jail sentence of up to three years or a fine or both.

They were alternately charged with posting the obscene remark on the Internet with an intention to hurt other people’s feelings, an offence, under Section 233 (3) of the Communications and Multimedia Act 1998 (Act 588), which carries a jail sentence of up to five years or a fine of up to RM50,000.

So, when blogger Aduka Taruna, a 28-year old graphics designer from Negeri Sembilan who works in the state of Kelantan, with a certain political inclination towards the latter state, was arrested for insulting the person of the late Sultan of Johor, we wonder under what law will he be charged.

Aduka Taruna, whose real name is either Khairul Nizam or Khairil Nizam, went overboard with the way he wrote about the demise of the late Sultan of Johor. This was what he had written:

Dah Mampos Buat Cara Mampos La

Oleh: Aduka Taruna

Dah mampos buat cara mampos la. Boleh plak simpan mayat nak tunggu Datuk Bendehara balik dari shopping. Boleh meeting isytihar sedang terlentang. Pada hal dah mampos pagi tadi. Pergi mampos sama lu. Bodoh punya kerajaan spesis stupid.

Translated, it carries the following meaning:

If you’re dead, act like you’re dead. You can keep the body and wait for the minister to come back from shopping. You can have a meeting to proclaim that he is just lying down. Whereas he was already dead this morning. Go to hell. Stupid government, stupid species.

The term mampos (misspelt) is akin to die and go to hell. That is how I understand the word. It is normally used in a derogatory manner to someone you dislike.

Because of this, people from all over Malaysia and not just Johor, lambasted Aduka Taruna for his disrespect of the Johor royal family in general, and the late Sultan specifically. I personally think he should be charged under Section 4(1)(b) of the Sedition Act for uttering seditious words, and Section 4(1)(c) of the same act for distributing seditious material. The term seditious tendency also encompasses bringing into hatred or contempt or to excite dissatisfaction against any Ruler or against any Government (Section 3(1)(a) of the Sedition Act) and raising discontent or disaffection amongst the subjects of the Yang DiPertuan Agong or of the Ruler of any State or amongst inhabitants of Malaysia or of any State (Section 3(1)(d) of the Sedition Act).

He should also be charged under Section 233 of the Multimedia Act.

What I don’t understand is when the Minister for Information, Communications, and Culture uttered nonsense yet again yesterday. I quote:

“I believe the blogger’s case should be considered. For any party who has regretted and is sorry for his actions and has retracted what he has written in his blog, we (the Government) should not take any further action.”

So, I go and scream profanities at the Yang DiPertuan Agong now and apologise a minute later, I get away with it? That would be such a good precedence to set. Everyone will now only have to apologise and get exonerated and pardoned.

Having said that, more than a decade ago, a certain mainstream newspaper used to lambaste the late Sultan, carrying articles that questioned the latter’s authority and conduct. And almost two years ago, certain people aligned with a former Menteri Besar carried a banner in front of the state’s royal palace that displayed the word: NATANG which is the way people in the state say the word BINATANG (Animal). It was directed to the King himself because the King did not re-appoint the Menteri Besar. I would love to see these people charged with printing seditious remarks against a Ruler too!

Yeah, I know. It should be spelt as SQUAD. But some of my former instructors who were literally askar Darjah 6 wrote things like SQUAT HUT. But that’s far better than some local university students who joined the ROTU and wrote SKOT NOMBOR SATU and so on.

Anyway, I’m not going to write about my past life in the military. I am going to write about the first word up there:

SQUAT

How long can you squat?

The longest I have was when I was sitting for the SPM exam. I think it was the Ugama Islam paper. The previous night I had a carton of spoilt orange milk mix. And the session lasted almost 25 minutes. I know I couldn’t stand straight after that. It was excruciating.

A typical squat toilet would look like this:

When you have a large tummy like me, squat toilets such as this, would be the second choice. The seated toilet would be heaven. But at least, the squat toilet above would allow me to have a better feet-position – wider stance. Better stability, and I can allow my stomach to rest, and expand and contract freely during the “shit birth” process. It’s like having your feet on stir-ups in the labour room, only vertical instead of horizontal.

However, one of the booths on my office floor has this squat toilet, much like the ones in Thailand. The same as the above, but instead of being sunken into the floor to give more feet-area, this one is raised. Here is an example:

Now, a person like me would have trouble to maintain both feet on the feet-place. My tummy is just going to push both my knees apart. So, if I have to use this booth, I’d have to shore the walls so I don’t fall off. Not exactly comfortable, but if a man has to do it, a man will have to do it. Instead of spending hours dumping crap, I’d want my crap to all come out in one go so I could get up and leave asap! So, I would avoid this booth totally if I could because I know by the time I had to leave, I wouldn’t have been able to dump all I wanted.

Yesterday, my boss from my old office, who also happens to be the Managing Director of this present office I’m in, dropped by with another colleague of mine for a meeting. By the time we were done, I had to rush to the toilet. At the same time, a guy, bigger than I, entered the toilet behind me. I got the seated toilet (there were other seated ones but they did not have any water pipes in them), so had to enter the one with the raised squat-toilet. And from my previous postings, you should have an idea of the duration I normally spend in the toilet. I can read a magazine from front to back, or three Nat Geo magazine articles equivalent. I could hear this guy groaning – it was either he was shitting bricks, or he was giving birth. But I would settle for the conclusion that it was difficult for him to push his crap out with his knees squeezing his tummy at the same time. Had I been a minute late, I would be suffering that torture.

By the time I was done, he was still in there. And that was like 20 minutes. I washed my hands, used the machine to dry them – still, he was inside, groaning. The poor soul. I wonder if he could get up at all after the session.

Better him than me!