I’ve always listened to this song, but never bothered to find out its lyrics. It’s been on Spena‘s blog for the longest time. However, I listened to it as I drove around town today and somehow a slideshow of my life played on my mind. So I’ll use the lyrics to reflect upon my life…
I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me
I received three e-mails the other day, reminding me of an achievement 10 years ago: I became the 3rd Malaysian to land at the North Pole by parachute. I thanked all of them, but reminded them that I was, and still am looking for that better part of me. I may have done everything (almost), and at this age, I don’t think I can do anything like the feats I have done (North Pole was followed a year and a half later by my BASE jump off KL Tower, and two years after that by my fastest 1000km on a jet-ski feat). Ten years on, I find that the feats I have to perform in life more challenging; and the death-defying stunts I was once synonymously linked to, are just a walk in the park compared to life’s little dramas.
I’m more than a bird…I’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me
No, it has never been easy being me. My father expected a lot of me, but this recalcitrant has a mind of his own, and we never see things eye to eye…until now. And I used to…and still do…live in his shadows; something I have always been uncomfortable of, because I would rather be known as my own person, than as “that person’s son.” During my Officer Cadet days I used to get extras in almost everything: add another 100 push-ups, add another 200 sit-ups…you name the punishment, I had to do extras…over and above the hundreds already meted out. But I persevered: I rose to ranks on my own merit, and proved that I was better than most.
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see
My nephew got married last night; and as I have written a few weeks back, I was not invited by my elder sister. My kids, who were invited, boycotted the wedding. I don’t know what it is that my sister has against me; but like I said, siblings are known to have killed each other for inheritance. I am not money-minded, so I don’t care, really. But what it means is, I will probably never be able to spend another Hari Raya at my parents’ place. So this Hari Raya will be my second alone…maybe. But I know my elder two will be spending their Hari Raya with me this year.
It may sound absurd…but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed…but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me
One thing is for sure. I am a much happier person now, than I was for the whole of last year…well, at least from April 2007 through March 2008. I now have a life to look forward to, one that is filled with love and affection. It is a life I have always dreamed of, but has always eluded me. I now know that dream will be realised, and that life will be better from that point onwards.
I can only smile now.