It’s been a long day. I’ve had meetings through lunch and managed to grab only a sandwich before rushing off to the hotel to checkout.

Tomorrow, it would be three weeks since I last saw my children. Hana and Fazira have been staying with my mother ever since they got back from Kedah. I do not know what form of retribution this is that my mother thinks my children should not be staying with me; Farhan and Nisaa were taken all over the place by their mother, without any form of courtesy to inform me of where they were going and when they were coming back. And on my planned visit to see Farhan and Nisaa on Aidil Adha eve, my ex conveniently took them out for almost the whole day.

In the three weeks that I have not seen them, Nisaa has refused to speak to me over the phone except once – yesterday during my company’s AGM. I know she is upset that she has not been able to see me. While Farhan is looking forward to my taking him out to buy his school paraphernalia, Nisaa does not want to see me at all. But the joy of being able to hear her voice, speaking to me, even for a minute or less, was overwhelming. Tears welled in my eyes that I had to excuse myself and stayed in the washroom for several minutes.

And everytime Wifey and I walk out of the McD joint at Ampang Park, I would be able to see that one corner where Nisaa was with me, all shy to even look at people, while I sat with Wifey and her colleagues. My heart would sink everytime I see that corner.

And as I was inside the lift heading for the basement parking of the hotel, there was this family that was inside the lift as well. They have a child, about the same size as Nisaa is, with curly hair, though not as curly as Nisaa’s…and she looked at me. I immediately felt sad. Somehow, like Nisaa when I was going through extremely rough patches of my previous marriage, this little girl gave me the sweetest smile, as if she knew how sad I was, and was trying to cheer me up…like Nisaa. When I got into the car, a teardrop rolled down my cheek.

Later, I sent a text message to Hana and Fazira, asking them how they were and told them how much I miss them as I miss Farhan and Nisaa. Fazira replied:

“We miss you too. Fazira rindu kat ica n Farhan (I miss Ica – that’s how she calls Nisaa – and Farhan.”

I just want to tell Wifey, how terribly sorry I am for snapping at her inside the car just now. My mind is just preoccupied with the thoughts of my children. It is not an excuse for me to snap at her, it is just to tell her of what exactly is happening to me right now.

Three weeks is just too long, not just for me, but for my children too.

And I miss them…terribly.

With a less-than-happy Nisaa 3 weeks ago
With a less-than-happy Nisaa 3 weeks ago