Year: 2008

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Lonely Dinner

There we were having dinner at Le Meridien. She looked superb as always, with her usual sweet smile she throws at me. I was in my scuba t-shirt and Garson track bottom and slippers.

The waiter came to serve our order of Giant’s instant noodles. I know it looks cheap for such a place but I attribute that to my craving. As we were about to start eating, my daughter Nisaa appeared next to me.

“Ayah, nak tissue,” she began. I was like, when on earth did I bring Nisaa along on this el-cheapo romantic dinner?

“Ayah, nak tissue.”

I thought this can’t be real. Her voice was louder than everyone else’s in the restaurant put together. I closed my eyes, then re-opened. It was almost pitch dark. There she was, eyes closed saying, “Ayah, nak susu.”

I reluctantly got up, half-wishing I could still go back to that dream, back to Yummy Baby whom I miss but alas, I have to return to reality.

Back to the perils of single-parenthood.

(This post was made using my new Nokia N95 phone and posted from Ah Pek Kopitiam using its wifi connection)

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Flying In A Blue Dream

I remember one day at the Aéroport international de Genève – Cointrin, while waiting for our flight to Amsterdam, Isyam Swardi and I were humming this song as it played on my phone:

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Aku, Iblis, Synchronicity et al

Heureux Hasard.

Lain yang aku cari, lain yang aku dapat yang lebih menguntungkan. Dalam bahasa yang dibawa oleh Karl Gustav Jung – Serendipity, yang bukannya sebuah safara-as-safari untuk melihat gajah-gajah mengawan di sebalik perdu taugeh dan sebagainya di bumi Afrika. Begitulah cara aku membuat kesimpulan mengenai hubungan aku dengan Yummy Baby.

Dalam diam aku duduk menung dalam bilik tandas yang serba…errr…serba-serbi ini, aku terperasan akan satu bayangan hitam yang muncul di belakangku.

“Woi!” bunyi suara kuat menjerkahku. “Hahahahahaha!”

“Cipet la kau, Iblis. Aku tengah contraction ni dan kini dalam labour untuk mengeluarkan by-product lunch dan dinner yang aku makan hari ini,” maki aku kepada Iblis. “Dah lah muncul dari belakang orang yang tengah berak.”

“Aku rasa baik aku yang muncul di belakang engkau semasa engkau berak daripada Brother Anwar ataupun lain-lain kaum kerabat engkau dari MCKK,” jawab Iblis.

“Loyar buruk pulak lu, Iblis,” perli aku. “Iblis pun reti joke ke?”

“Dah tengah bulan ni mana aku ada duit nak beli loyar baru,” jawab Iblis dengan nada bersahaja. “Ni, aku bawak mamat ni untuk kita berdialog bersama.”

Dari dalam bakul sampah yang Yummy Baby gunakan untuk membuang pad, muncul seorang mamat berkaca mata. Aku dengan segera mengenali wajah tersebut: Karl Gustav Jung.

“Elok la jugak kau bawak mamat ni ke dalam jamban ni sambil aku cuba nak berak,” aku mengerutkan dahiku kepada Iblis. “Sebelum aku masuk topik Karl Jung, aku nak sampaikan soalan dari Mr Gem Odorono Corleone yang dimajukan kepada aku tempoh hari. Dia nak tahu sesuatu daripada engkau.”

“Apa dia?” tanya Iblis dengan penuh minat.

“When God created Man, God wanted somone to look over Man, so God decided to create Mother. Mr Devil also wanted someone of his choice to look over Man, so God created Wife. Is this true?” tanya aku.

“Hahahahaahah! Memang betholll!!! 10 markah kepada pasukan Gem Odorono Corleone!” jawab Iblis. “Kalau tidak, takkan Adam begitu banyak masalah dia sampai kena tendang keluar dari Jannah!”

“Kau biar betul, Iblis! Kau mengaku kau boleh buat manusia ke?” aku sergah.

“Eh, tak! Tak! Masa Firaun mengaku dia al-Malikul Mulk pun aku cakap kat Tuhan ini bukan kerja aku. Aku tak akan suruh orang syirik terhadap Allah!” jawab Iblis cemas.

“Jadi apa halnya dengan si Karl Jung ni?” tanya aku sambil cuba meneran semula taik yang terencat dan termasuk semula.

“Dia kata aku dan engkau ada semacam synchronicity.”

“Apakah yang kau maksudkan itu wahai Karl Jung?” tanya aku kepada Karl Jung.

Sambil menyalakan tembakau di paipnya, Karl Jung mula berkata, “Aku ingin menulis mengenai influence Iblis dalam analytical psychology, aku ternampak engkau. Bila aku berceramah mengenai analytical psychology, antara mereka yang menghadiri lecture aku ialah Iblis. Kemudian engkau muncul sebagai guest speaker. Bila aku berjumpa dengan engkau berdua, topicnya mesti berkisar mengenai analytical psychology.”

“Oi, Iblis. Orang tua ni dah mula merepek dan aku nak kena berak jugak. Kalau tidak aku yang psycho sebab anal retention. Kau bawak dia balik sebelum aku berak kat muka engkau.”

“Owh,” jawab Iblis, hampa. “Jadi kita tidak akan berdialog secara intelligent pada malam ini?”

Aku lepaskan satu das kentut yang berbau walaupun bukannya killer application yang dihasilkan oleh laxative yang dimakan oleh Yummy Baby yang hampir membuatku mati kelemasan dan jubin-jubin di dalam bilik mandi slide ke bawah.

“Okay, okay, I get the idea,” jawab Iblis cemas. “Jom Karl, kita sembang benda gila dengan Nietszche kat neraka. Mungkin akan ada topik baru dengan mamat tu.”

Karl Jung dengan segera padamkan api tembakaunya dan masuk semula ke dalam bakul sampah tadi.

PTUING…akhirnya…ledakan najis bermula dalam suasana aman.

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Senjakala

Cross at Sunset - Freefoto

Kimi: jom jogging
Kimi: buang itu 25kg anugerah terindah
SeaDemon: takpe…kirim aje
SeaDemon: dalam senja hidup ni biarlah kehidupan berlalu tanpa perlu bersakit-sakitan
Kimi: hahahaha
Kimi: biarlah senja berlalu dgn indah..dari dia dtg sekelip mata

Aku tidak lagi habituated kepada jogging maka aku lebih cenderung untuk mengalami sakit lutut, sakit pinggang, synovitis, arthritis dan sebagainya. Aku jogging aku sakit, aku tak jogging pun aku sakit.

Dan sihat macam mana pun satu hari nanti kita mampus jua…

Baik aku duduk diam-diam, makan ubat-ubatan, dan sokong industri perubatan negara.

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How This Blog Came About

I still remember that day, July 1st 2005. Getting away from the boredom and tension of being in the nation’s most-favoured multinational company, my colleagues Niels and Andy, and a friend of mine, Ismail Othman, boarded the first Malaysia Airlines flight to Kota Bharu for a four-day break in Perhentian. From Kota Bharu airport, we took a cab down to Kuala Besut, then straight to Perhentian by boat.

Seahorse back in 2005

Even though I was in Perhentian three and a half months before that for my daughters’ Open Water Diver course, it would be my first time diving with Seahorse Dive Center. On arrival, Ismail, Andy, Niels and I went to dive at Batu Nisan. Later that night, Kimi joined us and stayed with us at Seahorse’s dormitory (that very dorm has now made way for what is now the Seahorse Cafe – nice food there, people).

Ismail and Niels at Batu Nisan

I was initially worried because Niels, coming from Germany, may have had a different perspective of what or how an accommodation should be like, so I was a bit apprehensive about the condition of the dorm. But he was cool about staying in a dorm that had only one window, wooden double-deckers, thin mattresses, one attached bathroom and one table fan, with only a 12-hour daily electricity supply. But I guess it was the company that mattered most, as it did during my trip with Yummy Baby, Gem Odorono Corleone, Herbivore Girl, Abang Rina, Betch President, Gombak4Life and Liverpool Babe.

Niels is a legal person. To me, he is funny and good fun, although some found him to be pushy. I can’t blame him because being a German, the motto macht mit einer großen Kanone Qualität counts. Andy is an avid topside photographer, meticulous and very detailed (redundant repetition?). He is very quiet at times, especially when he is engrossed with his work, but can deliver a mean joke from time to time. Ismail and Kimi were my daughters’ open water diver coursemates, but Kimi became my buddy when we went to Redang two months before the Perhentian trip.

I went for a night dive at Batu Nisan after which we had dinner at Abdul’s and it was fun. We slept fine that night as it rained heavily.

Me ascending from Secret Reef

I woke up the next morning at 7am. Birgit Weber, the resident instructor and my Facebook friend was busy sweeping the floor with the statuesquely beautiful Divemaster, Larissa. Both Larissa and Birgit are Niels’s compatriots. We did the deepest dive first that morning at the Secret Reef, followed by another dive at Tukun Laut. In the afternoon, a member of the Singapore Marine Police, Jessie Tan, who was doing her Master Scuba Diver course did a dive with us at Tanjung Basi.

Kimi and Birgit on the way back from Secret Reef

That night again we had dinner at Abdul before retiring.

The next morning, Larissa DMed us to Sugar Wreck. Niels buddied with Andy, Kimi and I, while Ismail, with the least number of dives, buddied with Larissa. During a simple penetration of the wreck’s cargo holds, Ismail was lost and had followed another group of divers. Then when we went to the top of the wreck to do our safety stop, Larissa panicked when she could not find Ismail. She was wide-eyed. I signalled for her to calm down. I then signalled to the rest to continue with their safety stop and surface when they were done. I then guided Larissa back to the wreck to search for Ismail. With our air running low, we had to surface – and there was Ismail, already in the dive boat, and he had followed his “lost buddy procedure” as briefed by the DM. The final dive of the trip was done at Sea Belle Rock…it is one of the places I hardly dive at, but is a very good dive site.

Andy underwater

After the dive, I thought I’d play a prank and tell people I saw a Hammerhead underwater and took a picture of it.

Hammerhead in Perhentian

I did see a Hammerhead; I just did not say it was a Hammerhead shark. It was after this that Andy quipped that I was a Nitrogen narcosis addict, and Kimi said maybe we ought to start a blog or website to write about our dive adventures. That was how Narcaholic was born.

It was a good trip with great friends – and because of that trip, I got to make lots of new friends through this blog, and meet my Yummy Baby

Birgit is no longer there. She is now with a dive center in Perhentian Kecil. Larissa last I heard broke-off with her boyfriend, James, and is now an instructor in the Maldives. Andy is now on his own doing photography and talks; Niels has also left the company and is now working elsewhere in KL; Ismail is missing in action; Kimi still comments on this blog, although I have not dived with him since March 2006.

Seahorse is now a double-storey dive center, and is still as busy as it was back then, and is still my favourite dive center in the Perhentians.

Seahorse Dive Center in 2008

The life...

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Phee, Meurai Ja Klab Ban?

While driving back from dinner with Yummy Baby, Spena, and Oja, we talked about Koh Lipe, Koh Adang, Thai radio, then suddenly I was singing the Thai National Anthem (Phleng Chart Thai).

15 years ago, every single door on my office block would have the name tags written in Thai, so much so that my Commanding Officer, Colonel Shahron Ibrahim (now Lieutenant-General Dato’ Hj Shahron Ibrahim, RMAF – Chief of Staff of the Malaysian Armed Forces HQ) would frequently have problems finding his way to my office. I mean, he didn’t know which door to enter. And my staff and I would be speaking in Thai. Every morning at 9am (8am Thai time) the radio, tuned to a Thai radio station, would pipe in the Thai National Anthem and we would be singing: Prathet Thai ruam leuad neua chart chuea thai, pen pracha rat pha-thai korng thai thook suan and so on.

Thai was very much my life, having to alternate between my base in Alor Setar and the office in Songkhla, where my staff there, Flight Sergeant Abd Karim Abd Aziz from Pengkalan Hulu in Perak (he served with me once before at the Air Training HQ where I was the Adjutant and before that as SO3 Programming), and my signalman, Corporal Ahmad bin Morad a.k.a Mat Spring from Pendang, Kedah, were based permanently. Joining me from Alor Setar would be my team members, Sergeant Uzaid Ahmad, Corporal Rozamin Daud, Leading Aircraftman Dahlan Dahaman, Corporal Ali (whom I still maintain contact until now and Yummy Baby‘s heard us conversing in Thai), Corporal Md Fodzi Taib, and Leading Aircraftman Abdull bin Me. Ali and Abdull are Thai descendants, while Mat Spring is married to a Thai citizen.

Those were the good old days – it was tensed nevertheless as Southern Thai was as volatile then as it is now and a simple bomb blast would see us being sent to the location almost immediately to verify the situation. But life was good then. After a 24-hour duty, I would drive my Proton Saga (we were not allowed to drive Malaysian military vehicles across the border) to the Samilla Beach, buy a plate of fried chilli crabs for 10 Baht, sit on a mat facing the sea, wallop the crabs and sleep before driving back to my quarters at the Tanah Merah camp near Jenan.

I missed Thailand when I was transferred back to sit in a Major’s post as the Head of the Special Investigations Branch of the RMAF Provost Marshall’s Office. Life was so hectic there with lots of investigations to conduct, and seriously understaffed; I was flying to almost all the airbases in Malaysia on a daily basis, so much so that I had to forgo my resettlement training prior t leaving the service. As a matter of fact, after leaving the Air Force, I was still attending courts-martial on cases I prosecuted because I was still subjected to the Armed Forces Act, 1972, for three months after my run-out-date.

But Thailand was always on my mind.

In 1996, after my first wife and I separated, I went back to Thailand with friends during fasting month just to be able to have that feel of brotherhood with the Thai muslims, breaking fast with them at a mosque somewhere in Amphoe Sadao.

In 1997, being single, I went completely Thai especially during the International Parachuting Competition at the Phra Ram 6 Camp in Cha-Am north of Hua Hin, when I represented Malaysia. For 12 days there I spoke Thai and virtually Thai only. That was fun.

And soon, my job took me back there, mainly in Bangkok, and I spent quite some time there. Even when I was stationed in Langkawi, I would just take the last ferry out, spend a night in Hat Yai, then take the first flight out to Bangkok and spend the weekend there before flying back to KL. Just so that I could sit by the banks of the Chao Phraya river watching boats and ships ply.

For those who do not know, the Thais have two anthems. One is the National Anthem mentioned above that they would play twice daily (8am and 6pm), then there is also the Royal Anthem (Phleng Sansasoen Phra Barami) that is played during state functions, or when a member of the royal family is present, or before a movie starts. The royal anthem is also played on TV at the beginning and ending of the daily transmission.

I remember I went to watch a movie at the Emporium on Sukhumvit soi 24 with Bee, my friend’s secretary. After the trailers and adverts, an announcement was made for all to stand in respect for the King, and the royal anthem was played. I started singing Kha wora phutta chao, ao mano lae si rakran and Bee just looked at me in disbelief. Here I am, a foreigner, singing the royal anthem that many yuppies don’t even remember the lyrics to. She never asked me anything until after the movie when we walked at the Benjasiri Park (The Queen’s Park) when all activities came to a halt at 6pm when the National Anthem was played, and I sang along.

“Are you sure you are not Thai?” she asked me in Thai, to which I just smiled.

Khidtheung meuang Thai…yark ja ronghai!

Chao Phraya and Temple - Arrakeen

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Pemeriksaan Kebenaran

Aku pandang aje surat dari drebar van sekolah budak-budak ni. Disebabkan kenaikan harga minyak mendadak maka dia menaikkan tambang sebanyak €3.18 seorang. Ini bermakna 5 orang anak yang ke sekolah menjadikan jumlah kenaikan sebanyak RM80.00. Jadi duit van sekolah aje dah RM480. Yuran bulanan sekolah Farhan RM230.

Bil api dan air kebiasaannya sebanyak RM600 sebulan. Duit belanja budak-budak ni sebulan RM85. Barang dapur lebih kurang RM1000 sebulan. Budak-budak ni memang kaki pelahap, terutamanya si kenit Nisaa tu dengan kakak-kakaknya yang membalun Maggi tengah malam buta. Minyak aku sehari RM70 menjadikan RM2100 sebulan. Tol RM500 sebulan. Broadband, telefon, ASTRO lebih kurang RM780.

Semuanya berjumlah RM5775.00 sebulan. Ini tak termasuk benda-benda lain.

Dan aku tak tahu mana punya baghal yang menganjurkan tunjuk perasaan anti-kenaikan minyak semalam. Memang pukimak punya laknat dasar mak bapak main dengan babi. Menyusahkan orang. Dah lah harga minyak naik, buat orang ramai terperangkap dalam jam menghabiskan minyak.

Dasar pantat mak bernanah masa lahirkan diorang. Kecik-kecik tak nak mampus, dah besar menyusahkan orang.

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Of Super Nacet And Gillette, And Fine Dining

I had one of those nothing-to-do-but-just-want-to-get-close-to-you talks with Yummy Baby recently when the topic changed to women who fleece men. The terminology used here is ketuk. In the old days, they were called pisau cukur (razor). Is fleece the correct term, Idlan? Yummy Baby thinks that the trips she’s been with me was a form of ketuking as it was all paid for; but I said no, as it was more like a hubby-wifey kind of trip. She then said that wives do ketuk husbands. I said only wives who do not love husbands do that. It is okay to want something. But to demand something beyond or just within the ability for the husband to pay is too much, in my not-very-humble opinion.

Anyway, I told Yummy Baby about the times I was fleeced (and almost fleeced) by women. When I was a Lieutenant, earning about RM800 (basic) + RM115 (allowance), I befriended this daughter of a Datuk. Although she was only a management trainee at a company in the Golden Triangle, her ego and status got the best of her. The first lunch date was at a fancy restaurant. After lunch, she dragged me to this department store where she had booked a bottle of D&G perfume, and asked me to pay. Bloody hell! That was more than a quarter of my basic pay. The second time I thought I’d get back at her by asking her to meet me at Sungei Wang Plaza for cheap KFC. She outsmarted me by booking a dress at a nearby boutique and asked me to pay for it. She purposely chose the route where we would have to pass in front of the boutique to get to KFC and she’d go, “Eh, that dress is beautiful!” and then walk in there and tell the shopowner that I’ve arrived to pay. The third time, she asked me for lunch at a off-the-beaten-path located restaurant. Fine by me. Then when she started to talk about a marble-top dining table for her new apartment near the polo club from a furniture center not too far away from the restaurant, I finally said, “Yes.” with the sweetest smile. Ten minutes after finishing my food, I excused myself to go to the gents, and never saw her again. Luckily this was during the pre-mobile phone period. I never saw her again, and nor did I get to see the bill for that expensive seafood lunch.

After my first divorce, I got to know this sweet looking executive from a public-listed transport company. Very demure, tudung-wearing, sweet thing, from Kamunting. Her place of origin should have been a warning to me, but I failed to see that. The first date was a shared cup of Jelly Ice Cream at KFC. It ended on a good note and I was allowed to drive her home. One day, she called me and asked me to meet her at a jeweller’s inside Sogo. I asked her why, and she replied that she dreamt that her ex-boyfriend was jealous of us seeing each other and would cast a black magic spell on her. The only way for that to be avoided is by my buying her a gold ring of her choice. I smelt something fishy and it had nothing to do with the underwater world, or a vagina laden with yeast. But since I was away in Johor to do a job, I told her to buy the ring first and I would mail her the cheque. She purchased the ring and told me the amount was around RM2K. That night, I e-mailed her a jpeg image of the cheque.

So, for you guys who keep getting fleeced by women who like fine things and fine dining, I suggest you take her to Uncle Ho’s Fine Foods located at the Midvalley Megamall. Each plate of mixed babi (taking Icecool’s words) cost RM200++. And it is good food.

Mixed Babi
Mixed Babi Plates

No points for presentation
No points for presentation. But the taste? HO SEK!

Icecool, we should do this again la. Lama dah. October was the last time.