Month: February 2009

Joseph Abboud – pic from Bridgeport dot E.D.U

I attended two meetings with two drilling companies in the vicinity of KLCC the other day, then finished the meeting an hour before lunch time. Then I took Wifey for a short meeting on branding before going to Pavillion for lunch. Rainmaker and Me And My Life joined us at Yo! Sushi! for a eat-’til-you-shit sushi lunch. LITERALLY! After that horrendous bingeing, Rainmaker and I felt the urge to go and dump crap. Unbeknownst to me, Rainmaker had gone to his office’s restroom to do his deed, while I, went from one floor to another, searching for an empty booth.

I found several, on the top-most floor. But at that moment, the maintenance people were there. Apparently they had some water pressure-related problem there, and they were frantically talking to people manning the valve controls somewhere, via walkie-talkies, asking them to turn the pressure up. A few flushes later, the booths were certified “fit for farts – and beyond.”

I got in, stripped down, and continued with my good deeds of making this month’s pay for the sewage treatment people at Indah Water worthy. If I had had to run to the other end of the mall to search for an empty booth, something runny would have ran down my legs.

My deed completed, I turned on the tap to wash.

KABOOM!

The tap just blew out from the wall, uncontrollable jet of water now hosing me from top to bottom. I struggled to put the tap back in but to no avail. The pressure was just too high. Well, if you can’t beat them, join them, or so they say. So, I proceeded to squat on the toilet seat and shove my arse towards the water jet. Painful! But it had to be done.

Soaked like a drowned rat, I put my pants back on, my right side totally drenched to my socks. I was contemplating to sue the mall management for exemplary damages, but thinking of the morale torture I would have to undergo, explaining to the court what I was doing prior to the pipe bursting, and having that splayed all over the print and electronic media…not worth the pain.

I sent a text to Wifey to explain to her of my predicament. She rushed up to meet me and suggested I buy a new pair of shirt. I had just paid for lunch, and was short of cash. I’d be dripping water all over the mall if I went down to the ATM – four levels down. Imagine the looks I would have gotten from shoppers, furthermore it was during lunchtime. So, Wifey agreed to buy me a new pair of shirt.

So, friends, that was how I got me another new pair of Joseph Abboud. 🙂

I started this draft 5 days ago but never got to actually writing the post. Anyway, for those who frequent Tioman, especially to Kampung Salang, would remember this light beacon:

It gives out two white flashes, followed by a 5-second interval, before flashing again. I’m just keeping my hopes high, because in 11 days time, barring death, war or any natural disaster, I’d be seeing this light beacon again.

Fl(2)W.5s

That’s what it says on the Admiralty Chart anyway.

This morning, a colleague lamented about his 5-year old daughter who refused to go to kindergarten on Friday because “the teacher say bad word like mommy always say to you”. He was upset and this morning went to confront the teacher. The teacher clarified the matter. Apparently, the teacher taught her to count properly in English, and my colleague’s daughter has trouble pronouncing words that begin with the letter “F” that a certain sexual act, if ever it is mentioned by her, would sound like something Ice Hockey players whack around the rink. The teacher was trying to teach her the proper way to say the number “FOUR”. She kept on saying it as “POUR” instead.

“Say FOUR!”

For a Cantonese-speaking child, that sounds almost like a curse commonly heard when someone is in deep sh**. “Die fire” or “Mati api”…which actually means “I’m (or you’re) dead meat” or something to that effect. Children nowadays are having problems communicating in English, and we find a group of people who are linguistically-xenophobic making police reports against the teaching of Science and Maths in English. Had I my way, I would have asked for Mandarin to be a compulsory subject in elementary schools.

I don’t know how long have I not read a newspaper from the frontpage through the last page. Everything sickens me: politics, nude photos, by-elections…it seems that our politicians have forgotten to do their work, and are more concerned about whether they can still earn taxpayers’ money by holding on to power. I would rather find out how the economy is faring amidst the current credit crunch.

We now have more than 11,000 Malaysians who have lost their job because of the global credit crunch. I was surprised the other day at KLCC when the Friday lunchtime crowd was a lot less than usual. Either

1. People are saving up
2. People have less money to spend
3. People would rather spend on what they need, than what they want, or,
4. There’s no SALE anywhere in KLCC.

But point #4 was proven wrong as most outlets were doing a SALE or something. But, two days later at the Megamall, parking was quite a problem because there were many people there. However, a closer look would reveal the purchase pattern – I couldn’t see anyone carrying carrier bags that carry world-renowned brand names. What I saw were people buying groceries at the Cold Storage, or some cheap stuff from one of the cheaper outlets selling daily stuff.

I guess, the terms VENI, VIDI, VISA (I came, I saw, I went shopping) no longer applies to the working class in Malaysia…

…well, at least for now.

But as usual, when things get better much later, Malaysians will once again display their forgetfulness.

I can’t think anymore. Maybe it’s time I go exclaim:

VENI, VIDI, VINO!

6.30 pagi tadi aku bangun sebab terasa nak melepas. Bagus jugak awal-awal melepas. Senang jiwa aku lepas tu nak baring bergolek-golek, peluk siapa yang patut dan lain-lain kawasan yang sewaktu dengannya.

Lepas aku drop Wifey kat opis dia, aku pun terus ke opis aku. Traffic jam, macam biasa…macam SIAL! Sorry, aku tarik balik. Sial pun lagi elok agaknya. Dah parking kereta, aku pun naik la tangga car park nak ke lift lobby. Aku tekan la butang lift tu. Terasa pulak nak kentut, tapi jenis kentut terencat yang nak kena effort sikit nak kasi keluar. Jadi, aku pun teran nak kasi dia keluar dengan sempurna. Tak semena-mena, aku terasa bahan cecair yang dengan cepat nak mengikut angin tadi keluar. SHIT! Tak sempat aku nak kemut in time untuk menghalang cecair permulaan untuk keluar.

“DAMN!”

Aku pun raba belakang seluar aku. Lepas tu aku cium tangan aku kot-kot ada bau. Tak ada pun. Aku raba lagi, tak ada jugak bau. Sekali aku terperasan ada CCTV camera kat atas tu tengah menghala kat aku. Mesti Pak Guard tu pelik tengok perangai aku.

Bila aku keluar lift, aku terpaksa lalu security punya control center. Pak Guard tu tengok aku sambil senyum. Kimax punya Pak Guard. Nasib baik aku tengah nak berkejar naik lift ke office aku.

Aku sampai tingkat aku, terus aku lambai aje kat receptionist sambil menghala ke tandas. Aku pun masuk dan londehkan seluar aku. Lepas aku sangkut seluar tu, aku pun inspect la seluar dalam aku. Memang terdapat Najis Mutawasitah kat situ. Zatnya kurang, tapi baunya ada. Sangat cipet, okay? Takkan aku nak buang aje underwear aku dan berjalan merata-rata ala commando?

Dalam keadaan tak berseluar, aku pun keluar dari booth aku dan bergegas ke tempat sabun tangan, picit sikit sabun, dan lari balik masuk dalam booth aku. Cepat-cepat aku sental sabun tu dengan tissue lembab, dan lap pula dengan tissue kering. Aku cium lagi…masih ada. Rupanya aku tersalah sental sabun. Aku sental ke bahagian depan underwear tu, bukannya belakang.

Lantas sekali lagi tanpa berseluar aku lari ke tempat sabun tangan, picit sikit sabun dan lari balik ke dalam sebelum ada insan-insan yang terkejut beruk tengok keadaan aku. Kena pulak itu time lepas breakfast. Dah sure ada mamat-mamat yang nak terberak masa tu.

Akhirnya, proses sental-menyental berjaya dilaksanakan jua. Maka boleh dikatatakan underwear aku lembab bersempadankan basah. Ditambah pula dengan cebisan-cebisan tissue yang enggan meninggalkan underwear aku.

Aku pun ambik dalam 1 meter punya tissue dan lapik bahagian dalam underwear aku sebelum aku pakai semula.

Hingga sekarang aku berjalan merata dengan telur yang lembab dan aku gerenti ada banyak cebisan tissue di bontot aku sekarang ni.

Demikianlah tragedi di bulan Februari di office aku hari ini.