SeaDemon Says

Joseph Abboud – pic from Bridgeport dot E.D.U

I attended two meetings with two drilling companies in the vicinity of KLCC the other day, then finished the meeting an hour before lunch time. Then I took Wifey for a short meeting on branding before going to Pavillion for lunch. Rainmaker and Me And My Life joined us at Yo! Sushi! for a eat-’til-you-shit sushi lunch. LITERALLY! After that horrendous bingeing, Rainmaker and I felt the urge to go and dump crap. Unbeknownst to me, Rainmaker had gone to his office’s restroom to do his deed, while I, went from one floor to another, searching for an empty booth.

I found several, on the top-most floor. But at that moment, the maintenance people were there. Apparently they had some water pressure-related problem there, and they were frantically talking to people manning the valve controls somewhere, via walkie-talkies, asking them to turn the pressure up. A few flushes later, the booths were certified “fit for farts – and beyond.”

I got in, stripped down, and continued with my good deeds of making this month’s pay for the sewage treatment people at Indah Water worthy. If I had had to run to the other end of the mall to search for an empty booth, something runny would have ran down my legs.

My deed completed, I turned on the tap to wash.

KABOOM!

The tap just blew out from the wall, uncontrollable jet of water now hosing me from top to bottom. I struggled to put the tap back in but to no avail. The pressure was just too high. Well, if you can’t beat them, join them, or so they say. So, I proceeded to squat on the toilet seat and shove my arse towards the water jet. Painful! But it had to be done.

Soaked like a drowned rat, I put my pants back on, my right side totally drenched to my socks. I was contemplating to sue the mall management for exemplary damages, but thinking of the morale torture I would have to undergo, explaining to the court what I was doing prior to the pipe bursting, and having that splayed all over the print and electronic media…not worth the pain.

I sent a text to Wifey to explain to her of my predicament. She rushed up to meet me and suggested I buy a new pair of shirt. I had just paid for lunch, and was short of cash. I’d be dripping water all over the mall if I went down to the ATM – four levels down. Imagine the looks I would have gotten from shoppers, furthermore it was during lunchtime. So, Wifey agreed to buy me a new pair of shirt.

So, friends, that was how I got me another new pair of Joseph Abboud. 🙂

6.30 pagi tadi aku bangun sebab terasa nak melepas. Bagus jugak awal-awal melepas. Senang jiwa aku lepas tu nak baring bergolek-golek, peluk siapa yang patut dan lain-lain kawasan yang sewaktu dengannya.

Lepas aku drop Wifey kat opis dia, aku pun terus ke opis aku. Traffic jam, macam biasa…macam SIAL! Sorry, aku tarik balik. Sial pun lagi elok agaknya. Dah parking kereta, aku pun naik la tangga car park nak ke lift lobby. Aku tekan la butang lift tu. Terasa pulak nak kentut, tapi jenis kentut terencat yang nak kena effort sikit nak kasi keluar. Jadi, aku pun teran nak kasi dia keluar dengan sempurna. Tak semena-mena, aku terasa bahan cecair yang dengan cepat nak mengikut angin tadi keluar. SHIT! Tak sempat aku nak kemut in time untuk menghalang cecair permulaan untuk keluar.

“DAMN!”

Aku pun raba belakang seluar aku. Lepas tu aku cium tangan aku kot-kot ada bau. Tak ada pun. Aku raba lagi, tak ada jugak bau. Sekali aku terperasan ada CCTV camera kat atas tu tengah menghala kat aku. Mesti Pak Guard tu pelik tengok perangai aku.

Bila aku keluar lift, aku terpaksa lalu security punya control center. Pak Guard tu tengok aku sambil senyum. Kimax punya Pak Guard. Nasib baik aku tengah nak berkejar naik lift ke office aku.

Aku sampai tingkat aku, terus aku lambai aje kat receptionist sambil menghala ke tandas. Aku pun masuk dan londehkan seluar aku. Lepas aku sangkut seluar tu, aku pun inspect la seluar dalam aku. Memang terdapat Najis Mutawasitah kat situ. Zatnya kurang, tapi baunya ada. Sangat cipet, okay? Takkan aku nak buang aje underwear aku dan berjalan merata-rata ala commando?

Dalam keadaan tak berseluar, aku pun keluar dari booth aku dan bergegas ke tempat sabun tangan, picit sikit sabun, dan lari balik masuk dalam booth aku. Cepat-cepat aku sental sabun tu dengan tissue lembab, dan lap pula dengan tissue kering. Aku cium lagi…masih ada. Rupanya aku tersalah sental sabun. Aku sental ke bahagian depan underwear tu, bukannya belakang.

Lantas sekali lagi tanpa berseluar aku lari ke tempat sabun tangan, picit sikit sabun dan lari balik ke dalam sebelum ada insan-insan yang terkejut beruk tengok keadaan aku. Kena pulak itu time lepas breakfast. Dah sure ada mamat-mamat yang nak terberak masa tu.

Akhirnya, proses sental-menyental berjaya dilaksanakan jua. Maka boleh dikatatakan underwear aku lembab bersempadankan basah. Ditambah pula dengan cebisan-cebisan tissue yang enggan meninggalkan underwear aku.

Aku pun ambik dalam 1 meter punya tissue dan lapik bahagian dalam underwear aku sebelum aku pakai semula.

Hingga sekarang aku berjalan merata dengan telur yang lembab dan aku gerenti ada banyak cebisan tissue di bontot aku sekarang ni.

Demikianlah tragedi di bulan Februari di office aku hari ini.

You know it’s still too early for you and for some people when you drive into a shopping mall’s carpark and the security guards are still frantically trying to remove the barriers they had put up the previous night. You walk up the escalator (it was still inoperational) to find your dry-cleaners outlet dark. You walk into a Starbucks and ask for Chamomile Mee. When the cashier asks you “Chamomile Mee?”, you go, “Yes, Grande, hot.”

I don’t know what’s wrong with me but that was what I did just now. Then as I bent forward to plug my notebook charger into the socket, I inadvertently let loose a silent but killer fart. Hey, how was I suppose to know it was going to be a killer one? I blame this horrible smell on the new diet I am on. I rarely get this problem. The worse part was, the smell just lingered and refused to go. And here I was sitting in front of the notebook looking at its screen pretending it wasn’t me but was probably the guy seated in front of me, while the guy at the next table could be seen flaring his nostrils to capture untainted air.

Yesterday, I did the same thing to this couple who were behind me on an escalator in Ampang Park. You should see their face when I farted. It was a lot funnier scene than the funny look they gave me at the top of the escalator later.

What is even funnier was when I read an excerpt from this book called Contemporary Medical Issues In Islamic Jurisprudence by one Qazi Mujahidul Islam Qasmi something like:

1. It is okay for the goat’s upper front teeth to be used in the case of lost front teeth in a human being.

2. Man should use his own organs to be transplanted in his own self. This is to avoid giving the donor sin should the recepient commit one.

3. It is alright to eat the flesh of a dead prophet if there is nothing left to eat.

First and foremost, goats DO NOT HAVE UPPER FRONT TEETH! It is just one big hard gum! Secondly, if both my kidneys fail, which kidney should I use to transplant? And, thirdly, I’ll die from starvation because the last prophet was around 1500 years ago.

And they call themselves the Ulama’ (learned/knowledgeable ones) and have the cheek to write things on medical issues. If I were to ridicule this guy openly, people would brand me blasphemous as if this guy is a god.

This is, indeed, a funny world.

(image from Best Desi dot com)

I don’t know. I woke up this morning with a deep thought.

“If I die, will I get reincarnated? What will I become in my next life, if there is any at all?”

It’s just a thought. But as I sat on the porcelain throne before having a shower, I thought of exploring this thought. Yes, call it philosophical or hypothetical or whatever-have-you.

We have the vegetarians and the meat eaters amongst us. I can be both. Whether I am one or the other depends solely on my mood for the day. I have my no-chicken day and my vegetarian day sometimes. Nothing religious about it. Some vegetarians are so because of health reasons, others because of their beliefs. Some vegetarians believe that the meat we consume is from a vessel that once probably contained the soul of our departed kin, or friend; therefore it is not good to kill animals so that we can consume them.

Reincarnation does not necessarily mean that you and I will be reborn into the body (vessel) of a human being. You could be a cow’s calf where the grass is green and you have nipples to choose from to suckle – in a way, where you are as a calf describes heaven.

As in the movie Little Buddha, a good philosophical movie that is one of my favourites, the soul is like tea in a cup. The cup represents your body (vessel). If the cup breaks (the human body dies), the tea is spilt onto the floor and table where the broken cup lay. The tea that is on the table is your soul, the tea that is spilt onto the floor is your soul, and the tea collected in the sponge when you wipe the tea off the floor and table..is still tea; therefore it is still your soul in that form (tea).

Confusing?

So you may be born either as a human being, or a cow, or a tiger, or a germ, or an amoeba somewhere on this face of this earth. Several questions remain:

1) Since trees etc., are living things as well, won’t we get reincarnated as a tree, or vegetable?

2) So it is okay if I am born again as a tiger and eat you, a cow.

3) It is okay for me to kill insects that could be my grandfathers, using insecticides, to protect the vegetables and fruits.

4) When we achieved Independence, we had only 5 million people in Malaya. We now have 26 million. Since yesterday does not have enough souls to fill up so many vessels created today, do animals get reborn too? If yes, that probably explains why there’s so many crime now, and stupid drivers on the roads.

5) Wait a minute! Aren’t animals supposed to have human souls as well for them to run around in the wild? So the ones that do not have souls, are they the ones that appear dumb?

Okay, now I am confused as well.

6) Should my body stop producing antibodies since my grandma could be one of the harmful bacterium that is inside my tummy right now? (incidentally, I have been to the toilet 4 times this morning).

Okay, I am going to eat meat again today.