Category: What da f***!!

And yet another scare tactic has been prescribed for infanticide and baby-dumping. If the Women, Family and Community Development Ministry has its way, the cases would be classified as murder and attempted murder respectively. This comes in light of yet another baby discovered dead floating inside a sewage tank in Jeli, Kelantan. While I am for sterner actions against those who dump and allow their baby to die, I still think this has to be a multi-pronged approach.

Condemning these young ladies to death, in my opinion, is not the answer. It is true that what they do is horrendous and unthinkable, but why are we stereotyping them as if what they do is purely out of fun with little regard for values? Meting out such punishments may pose as a deterrent for would-be reluctant mothers, but to blame them alone, having them to face the music for something that is the result of a shared communal responsibility.

If you drive around late at night, you will see that the roads are being roamed mostly by the underaged. At mamak shops, you see school-aged children happily puffing away on cigarettes or its unfiltered equivalent – the Shisha (Hookah to some) and this goes on until the wee hours of the morning. You see boys and girls riding motorbikes in housing estates at these hours without helmets and so on. My question is, where are the parents? Parents often leave their children to wander around at night aimlessly thinking “If I don’t see them do anything bad in front of me, then they must be well-behaved” only to cry foul when their kids get arrested or shot dead in the middle of the night. Then they’ll go, “I know my child well! They are not criminals!” If you know them well, why didn’t you know that they’ve been loitering around at night when they should be at home sleeping or studying?

The lack of supervision and guidance at home is one of the reasons children grow up experimenting things they should not. And in this case, only the parents have themselves to blame.

Many young mothers also come from government housing scheme flats – two-bedroomed flats that could hardly fit in more than 4 people at any one time, to cater for a family of at least six. There is little privacy at home and there are no facilities for the youths built anywhere near. The most they would usually have is a playground that is strewn with rubbish, broken slides, swings and see-saws; but nothing else for those above the age of 12. So, where do they go for entertainment? Hang around with kids their age, and soon one will bring a packet of cigarettes to be shared amongst them. This bad habit will soon progress into something else with gangsterism and drug-addiction at the apex of this evil pyramid. Being naturally anti-establishment, these youths will soon have their own territory and the girls, wanting to be part of the gang, become the gang’s ‘assets.’ You think this is a far-fetched theory? Back in 1991 I personally had to help a friend who was also my subordinate to look for his missing 14-year old daughter, who joined one of these gangs at one of the Bandar Tun Razak flats. He was stationed with me in Penang while his wife worked night-shifts in Balakong to supplement the family’s income. With the help of other members of my squadron, we rescued her from a budget hotel along Jalan Alor in Bukit Bintang after four months of tracking her down. Was she thankful? No. She went missing again a month later.

A screwed-up approach in religion is also another culprit to be blamed. We are so bent on punishing people for the bad things they do that we tell them that God does the same, too. How often do we hear warnings such as, “God will cut off your hands if you steal” or “Cut off your tongue if you lie” or “He will hang you by your hair and burn you in hell for not wearing the tudung”? God is always portrayed as being God the Merciless. Whatever happened to God the Merciful? Can’t they instead say that God loves those who abide by His books and live the way of life that has been prescribed? Heaven and Hell are intangible. No one gives a damn about Heaven and Hell because they cannot see it. Before telling them about God’s love, show them love and guidance instead. We never show love to youngsters, that when they get pregnant, we shun them. If they get out of jail we shun them. We are more sensitive about what people would say about our family than placing importance on keeping the family unit together as one. Where are these people to go if they are not allowed to return to their own home?

How many of their children actually roam around stateless? It is so difficult to get a birth certificate because these children were being born out of wedlock and would be even more difficult for them to be registered in clinics, hospitals and schools. Why can’t the government think about this? A birth is a birth be it illegitimate or otherwise. Everyone is entitled to his/her birth certificate to show that they exist on this earth.

I cannot imagine when one of these mothers who have been living life unguided and is confused, is being condemned to death. I don’t think the first thing they wanted to do was to kill their child, but what other choices do they have other than to abandon them or kill them to stifle their cries? Have we ever given them a way out?

For every dead or abandoned baby that is discovered, for every young reluctant mothers we condemn, we destroy ourselves bit by bit.

I sit here in my room, my mind numb as it suffers from having to read a plethora of stupid political issues day in, day out. The ignominy fence-sitters like I have to experience, reading about immature power-crazy politicians, and the comments made by their equally imbecile supporters on online social networks crying foul over every single thing the government of the day does. Every single excruciating whimsical cry pierces through my sanity that I wish I could just bitch slap each and every one of them on a daily basis for tormenting my soul.

Then there’s Ramadhan…

Then somehow virtually everyone becomes religious, starts talking about religious stuff; previous profile pics of clubbing scenes were immediately replaced by pics of the blond hair being fully-covered. I guess we love that – being seasonally-religious.

I guess it’s human to want to hope for something, up to the point of sucking up to other people’s ass and so on, as long as we can get some form of reward. And given a choice between two beneficial deeds, we would perform the one that benefits us most. Virtually every Muslim I know planned on what nights to attend the Tarawih prayers simply because there is a Hadith of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) that lines up every single night’s reward for performing the prayer, even when it has been proven that the mentioned Hadith is false (Maudhu’).

A couple of weeks ago, Facebook status from users glorified the night of the middle of Syaaban (Lailatun Nisf min Shaaban). Everyone started fasting and suddenly everyone turned religious on that one day only, prayed as if that was THE night to pray and so on. Then they would quote Hadiths stating how special that day and night is, and that the revelation of the Quran was on that night; but when asked what is Nuz al-Quran if it’s not the night the Quran was revealed, the most they could answer was, “Oh, you are not a learned. Therefore, you should not ask these things.”

I may not be a learned but I know that God gave me a set of brain so I could weigh pros and cons, good and bad, logic and stupidity. Why the hell would God want you to pray five times a day when praying on a certain day equals to 10,000 prayers? All I need to do is pray on eight of this Syaaban day, year after year for eight years and I would have prayed the equivalent to my current lifetime! It’s a shortcut! And it is only human to love shortcuts! So, is that logical that there ought to be one special day to do a lifetime’s prayers? You have your brain, so use it. I am not going to answer that for you.

The Quran is there for you. But you should not just read it at face value. I do not see the point in memorizing the whole Book of God in its original language when I know jack what every verse is about, what the history behind the revelation of that verse was. For that reason too, I do not know why is Arabic made compulsory in schools for Malay/Muslims when I would rather have my children learn Mandarin and Tamil so they can grow up to learn about their Chinese and Indian brothers. What is this talk about being a Hafiz? About creating schools to churn out Huffaz? (Hafiz means ‘Guardian’ and Huffaz is its plural form). I doubt that every single Hafiz could memorize each word by how it was spelt in Arabic. But wouldn’t I be a Hafiz too, if I PDF the Quran onto a DVD and make thousands of copies? Children need to grow up as children; you can’t have them go to school in the morning, then have them attend religious studies in the afternoon, only to have them to be able to study and do their homework after all that! Even we adults feel exhausted after a day at the office. We are only better off because we do not have homeworks and exams like they do. After all, they already have religious studies class in school.

The problem with us is that all of us think we are better than God. When I was 16, I used to go out of my dormitory at night, especially on Thursday nights, hunting for house lizards, just because there was this tale that a lizard’s sound almost gave Muhammad away to the Quraisy who were after him. So, there I was with my friends all geared up for war against one of God’s supposed most-hated animal. The problem with that was, I once told myself,

“Wait! If God hates this creature so much, why is He being such a wimp, asking mortals like me to wipe out the world’s lizard population when He can wipe out the whole existence of what He created faster than I can blink?”

See, I have a brain to think with, to rationalize. Unlike some stupid cow-shit-for-brain Soldiers of God who went around petrol-bombing churches, decapitate non-Muslims, blow up innocent people be they Jews, Buddhists, Christians or fellow Muslims alike – ALL in the name of God, because to them God is such a penis-less being that cannot take care of His own divinity. These are people who say they are the learned ones but learnt nothing of the Quran.

So, that’s it. My first posting for this month of Ramadhan that until now has yet to have a title. Therefore, whatever title I decide to give it may or may not reflect the content of this posting at all.

To all Muslims, fast as you are told to, not because you seek divine rewards, but because you love to fast and not because you were told to, or because if you don’t then the person in the cubicle next to you is going to tell everyone at the office including the tea lady that you don’t fast.

You have a brain, use it.

I spotted this photo on Facebook of a banner endorsed by the Ministry of Tourism, the Terengganu State Government, and a non-governmental organisation:

My wife sent me a message asking me to buy some cream cheese for dinner tonight. I responded by asking her how does the package look like.

“I’m sure you’ve never bought cream cheese before,” she wrote on her message to me.

“Nope,” I replied.

“I’m sure your ex’s have never made you a cheese cake,” she asked.

“Cheese Cake? Never,” I replied. “One makes CORN CAKE with other people while the other makes cheese in her mouth and down there.”

Now, isn’t that title eye-catching? Whether this posting is going to be another controversial one or otherwise will be seen as it unfolds – and it also depends on my mood at the time of writing this.

This topic came about after my wife kept getting that question:

“Does your husband pay for the food your children eat? Does he pay bills associated with your children?”

I married a single mother. So, what’s the fuss? As any other husband, the moment I marry someone I assume the responsibility of housing her, feeding her, clothing her (this third category is still a subject of contention, being a no-frills person that I am she’d never agree to where I would want to buy her clothes). That is the purpose of the akad in the akad nikah ceremony – taking over the responsibility of feeding and housing her (see, I purposely omitted that shopping-inducing statement) from her wali.

Of course, her being a single mother, I also took in her baggage. She has three lovely children. While trying not to seem to be replacing their biological father (that is all their father is to them – strictly biological. IQ-wise I think they have gotten the superior genes from their mother), I assume the role of the one who feed and house them as well. And knowing that their father would rather play PS2 than look for money to buy fuel power his stupid bike, I know that when these kids get married, I will fork out money for their wedding as well, as any father (less theirs) would. That means, I will have to pay for the weddings of seven kids. Maybe I’ll ask my eldest to wait until she’s 38 before getting married so I can marry all of them together and save cost.

Housing them means I provide them with a roof above the head, I pay the utility bills as well. As with most modern family, my wife and I share the cost of our groceries while I pay for her monthly dives on top of everything else associated with the dive trips (Sipadan however, is an exception to this rule but I bought her a complete dive equipment set). I do wish that I earn double of what I do now so that she wouldn’t have to fork out a single cent for the upkeep of the family.

See, marrying a single mother isn’t all that difficult. As long as you know that when you marry her, you’ll be marrying her children as well. So, you feed her, you feed her children as well. That’s a no-brainer, unless you actually have no brain, are sick, and think you only have to marry their mother – not them. I do know of men who marry single mothers but prefer not to share the cost of bringing up her children and I think that that’s downright cruel. They may not be your own flesh and blood, but they are still your wife’s children. And if you want them to respect you, you will have to earn that respect by respecting their needs too. Only then can you command that respect.

So, you want to marry a single mother especially one that has baggage? You better make sure you are man enough to face the challenges, just as you should be man enough to marry a single woman and raise your child later.

This is an old one:

Two strangers were seated next to each other on the plane when the guy turned to the beautiful blonde and made his move by saying, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly, and said to the guy, “What would you like to discuss?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the player. “How about nuclear power?”

“OK,” said the blonde. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

“Oh brother,” said the guy. “I have no idea.”

“Well, then,” said the blond, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”

Who is the stupid one? I shall give three scenarios based on actual people and let you decide.

FIRST SCENARIO – TRUST

Girl wearing tudung with a well-paying job meets a 40-year old single father who has no fixed income. The latter had probably won her by spending the money he had inherited from his late father, but is now as skint as the Sahara on a summer’s day. They live together in a rented apartment. He gets jobs here and there but either never delivers, or will always deliver after the due date, but since talk is cheap and so is he, he keeps telling her to hold on as the BIG ONE will be coming in soon! So, all plans for marriage is on hold until the BIG ONE comes.

In order to get the BIG ONE, he will have to have an assistant, and tells her to leave her job. Three months later her car is repossessed by the bank, and the BIG ONE is still nowhere in sight. Yet, she continues to harbour her hope that the BIG ONE will soon come their way, while he spends his time playing PS2 hoping that the BIG ONE will soon fall from the sky.

SECOND SCENARIO – LOYALTY

Husband is a 30-something job-hopper. His longest stay in a company is only for a year and a half. In 9 years, he has worked in 6 different companies. None of his colleagues, current or former, can stand him. Yet, he thinks that all the crap at work is caused by his colleagues, no matter where he goes. The wife works in the private sector with a steady income. The husband spends his time in entertainment establishments on the pretext of entertaining clients, and charges back to the company. Then one day, tells the wife that the BIG ONE will be coming soon, therefore he plans to retire and start a business in HER hometown. So, he tells her to ask for a transfer to a branch at her hometown. Being the loyal wife, she does so. The BIG ONE never came, and she is still waiting there while he never goes back during weekends to see her citing tight schedules.

He courts a 20-something woman and for the past 4 years they have been staying together. He also promised to marry her latest by the first quarter of 2010 but has yet to fulfill his promise. Not a breath on it, in fact. Being the loyal girlfriend, thinking that her boyfriend will soon get the BIG ONE, stays with him.

THIRD SCENARIO – THE ECCENTRIC

A 30-something woman meets a guy whom she likes and the guy reciprocates. To show her seriousness in this relationship, she adds his siblings as her social-network website friends. Both she and the boyfriend work in the same line, so both should know how hectic working life can be. This also means that she should know that he would have to spend time with clients and travel to meet them. And every time that he’s busy, she would throw tantrum even threatening him with break-up after break-up, and at one point, even declared to her friends that she had broken up with the boyfriend because he chose to do his work than spend time with her. Not long after, she declared that she was back with him again.

Then came the second crunch – during a long weekend, both wanted to visit their respective relatives. And she gave him another ultimatum to him: choose between visiting her relatives and his, and went male-bashing at the same time drumming up support for her cause. Remember, the boyfriend’s family members are her online friends as well.

They probably are still going out, but as with the two previous cases, who’s the stupid one in this particular case?

This morning we interviewed an applicant for one of our departments in this office. Her lack of knowledge in the job that she has applied for irked us, but her poor command of English irritated me even more. I would have easily forgiven her had she come from the country’s rural backyard, but coming from a reputable school in Kuala Lumpur, with great looking degree from a reputable University (and I mean UNIVERSITY, not one of those institutes that were upgraded so Malaysia could have more universities) I found that nauseating. So, when I purposely provoked her just to see what makes her tick, her English turned into something horrible:

“Why you make me hard, man? This is hard, man! I doesn’t know everything. How I’m going to look for day-to-day chow? Please, man!”

A hard-on on a Friday morning.

Talking about Malaysia’s backyard, we found a page on Facebook that was (and probably still is) being run by a BACKSIDE.

This is an airline’s Facebook page announcing that it had won an award for the best advertisement for the year 2009. Facebook is becoming a very important social networking tool, and as such, many companies are using Facebook as a marketing tool to disseminate information on offers, achievements etc. Mind you, what you post will make a global-level impact. Therefore, the way you write things for the company will tell people worldwide if the company’s employees are professional or otherwise. At first, the writer posted an image of the said advertisement in his/her attempt to make the page have a somewhat daedal layout but the posting is riddled with grammatical errors and repetitions such as the word ‘INITIAL’ which can be found on the first two paragraphs. That, coupled with the inappropriate use of the word ‘DISTURBING’ shows how this person has very limited comprehension of the language, possibly through lack of reading.

There were some comments that touched on the issue but the writer never seemed to understand the implication of bad advertorials. What is more DISTURBING is the fact that it never went through a proof-reading process prior to being published. Maybe the Editor just INITIALed the thing and let it through…which makes two BACKSIDES at least that are working in the Corporate Communications department of that airline.

I’m sure some of you would remember the above advertorial by one of those colleges that were upgraded to the status of a university. This was posted in this blog some two years ago (SeaDemon’s This The Language English). It is the kind of language that makes you wonder the standard of English that is being taught to our children nowadays. I am not saying that my command of the English language is good, let alone that it’s excellent, but I would think that I have better command than most of the English language teachers that we have here in this country. I have seen the kind of language used by English teachers in Malaysia on their Facebook page, and I find it far from being amusing. Even they think that STUCKED is the past-tense of STUCK, and that some intangible things cannot be quantified – which concept, in my opinion, can be easily grasped had the teacher(s) read more.

Well, I’m sure the odium resulting from this post will come sooner or later from those who think that they fall into the category of BACKSIDES mentioned above, but at least it will keep me amused being STUCKED in this office on a Friday morning.

If only they know what the word ODIUM means…

Do you get annoyed when you hear people who have bad command of the English language attempt to speak English with an accent that’s neither English nor American? I cringe every time I hear someone utters the words ‘VEGETABLE‘ (pronounced VARE-GEE-TAY-BUHL) and ‘ELEPHANT‘ (pronounced ALLEY-F-ANT (as in SEMUT), and any other mispronounced simple word.

Yesterday evening as I drove to pick up my wife from the office, I was tuned in to this radio station that offered the Album of the Week to the person who could spell certain words correctly. Then there was this caller who spoke with an accent that no mat sallehs would use, and it annoyed me like hell. When the DJ asked her to spell the word ANTAGONIST her reaction was:

“WAT?”

Did you notice the absent ‘H’ above? Yes, suddenly, she spoke perfect Manglish. And the DJ repeated the word ANTAGONIST again.

“Oh no! Errr…U-N-T-O-G-A-N-I-S-T”

Not wanting to self-flagellate any further, I quickly changed the station…