Category: What da f***!!

Malam tadi di sekitar sebuah kawasan yang dahulunya dikenali sebagai Jalan Hicks, aku berdating dengan Iblis yang ingin aku mencuba beberapa jenama air kencingnya yang agak famous di sekitar nusantara dan kawasan-kawasan yang sewaktu dengannya, sehingga aku terlupa hendak menanyakan soalan yang diajukan oleh Gemgem Odorono Corleone tidak lama dahulu mengenai jenama-jenama tersebut. Namun begitu, aku dapat merasa bagaimana pantasnya bumi berputar mengelilingi matahari sehinggakan aku membawa kereta dengan begitu perlahan agar tidak terbang ke angkasa melampaui tarikan graviti.

Tempat Jembalang dan Iblis bertandang tadi malam

Kini, aku diajak pula pergi berdating oleh Yummy Baby. Katanya, dia nak membawa aku keluar bak first date. Aku sendiri pun tak ingat macam mana first date aku, tapi aku rasa ianya berlaku di pasaraya Jaya sekitar 26 tahun yang lampau. Tapi kalau first date dengan Yummy Baby, settingnya lebih kurang cerita Jiwa Remaja atau Hapuslah Air Matamu lakonan Hail Amir dan Uji Rashid, dan Broery Sudahmatika dan Sharifah Aini respectively. Tepi pool dengan fresh orange tapi pukul 11 malam.

Terkejut beruk gak aku tiba-tiba diajak dating. Tapi aku rasa last kami dating adalah 5 hari yang lalu masa tu pergi makan ikan mentah. Senang betul kerja tukang masak. Bukan tukang masak pun, tukang siang ikan. Mana ada masak-masak!

Yummy Baby: can i ask you out on a date tonight?
Yummy Baby: no answer?
SeaDemon: can…hope i don’t sneeze or anything like that
Yummy Baby: oh yeah you better not
Yummy Baby: not on your first date

Aku tengah demam selesema..jadi mood aku lagi teruk dari Golda Meir kena PMS. Aku sendiri tak faham kenapa dia menggelar date malam ini sebagai first date. Mungkin sebab aku dah sekian lama menjadi virgin. Semenjak dua menjak Yummy Baby memulakan kerja di tempat baru, dia membuat kerja menggunakan Blackberrynya sehingga sebelum memejamkan mata di waktu malam. Sungguh aku benci akan teknologi yang tidak berguna itu. Telefon bimbit 3G Nokia N95 aku pun aku tak activate 3G. Malas. Melecehkan. Macam tengahari semalam semasa aku sibuk memandang kelopak mata aku dari dalam, anak aku, Iqa, masuk ke bilik katanya maknya nak bercakap dengan aku menggunakan telefon 3Gnya (telefon si Iqa la!). Aku pun jawablah panggilan tu…kimek cipan tanah betul…bersepah orang di sekelilingnya memandang aku yang tidak berbaju dan muka bangun tidur. Lantas aku baling sahaja telefon bimbit Iqa, ending the phone call. Teknologi burit yang menyusahkan orang dan menghilangkan personal space, time and privacy insani masa kini. Aku pun tak faham kenapa majikan-majikan sekarang gemar menyusahkan pekerja dengan Blackberry. Gaji dibayar hanya untuk 9-5, tapi sampai tengah malam buta dan hujung minggu pun masih nak berkomunikasi. Memang benar apa mereka kata mengenai telefon bimbit berteknologi tinggi: Mendekatkan yang jauh dan menjauhkan yang dekat. Kepala butoh mak diorang.

Perempuan Yang Pernah Berkahwin Dengan Aku pun dulu telephone addict. Masa kat meja makan masa itulah kawan-kawan dia nak bersembang. Saban hari itu sajalah yang kena aku tanggung. Bukannya nak makan atau bersembang dengan aku hal-hal suami-isteri atau anak-anak, sibuk kisah politik dan gossip-gossip terkini. Beberapa kali juga aku menegurnya dengan cara baik supaya tumpukan masa untuk keluarga terutamanya semasa makan. Tak makan saman. Satu hari aku berikannya final warning dalam nada suara yang baik. Aku kata aku tidak akan menegurnya lagi. Akhirnya, aku celupkan telefon bimbitnya itu ke dalam jag air sirap.

Dan Yummy Baby kini aku nampak dah ada ciri-ciri nak kena sindrom CRACKBERRY sebab dah mula asyik-asyik menggentel bijik benda alah tu apabila terdengar imaginary buzzing. Bak kata Kimi, “Biar butt sahaja yang ada crack, jangan kepala pun ada crack!”

Teknologi burit yang aku benci

Yummy Baby: so what kind of food do you like to eat
SeaDemon: i don’t eat only 5 things (batu, kayu, besi, sabun dan kepala keretapi)
Yummy Baby: hmm..
Yummy Baby: i think i’ve heard that before
Yummy Baby: somewhere…
Yummy Baby: but anyway
Yummy Baby: is there a place that you’d like to go to
Yummy Baby: or do you want to ikut my tekak
SeaDemon: i do not hv a place that i want to go to…but if u really want to know, it will have to be a proper english fish and chips joint in england somewhere

Aku bukan demanding, tetapi memang itu yang aku masih teringin nak makan. Good old English cod and chips, with 5 cakes of fried cod roe, and soggy with malt vinegar. Aku harap Idlan akan membawa balik sebungkus dua untuk aku bila dia balik raya nanti. Itu sahaja yang aku kempunan nak makan takut mati terbeliak mata seraya meleleh air liur basi. Vinegar tak payah letak la. Aku goreng balik dan letak di sini sahaja.

Amende baju aku nak pakai malam ni pun aku tak tahu…

I was at the car workshop near my place just now minding my own business when out of the blue someone greeted me with a big slap on my back. Lucky for him I was surfing Gmail on my phone when he did that; usually instinct would tell me to quickly take one side-step, quick cuff applied to the Adam’s Apple, and knuckles to hit the nose bone so it would slide all the way back into the brain, maiming him instantly, killing him a few seconds later. I turned to look at him, half-pissed, and said, “Oh, hi!” I said. “I thought it was you. You were looking good from afar. Here you’re looking far from good.””

He laughed. “Isn’t it a bit early for sarcasms?” he asked.

Oh, WOW! He actually knows what SARCASM is. I thought that such a big word would be beyond his comprehension. Somehow, it hits me that although he knows the definition of the word, he’s just too thick to recognise that it was directed at him. Seriously, I do not know anyone who hasn’t yet made a sarcastic remark or gesture towards him. If you feel pain in the butt, look behind you and you might just find him there. He is the type that during the Residents Association meetings, would interject at every single opportunity he gets. If you talk about security companies, he knows the best; if you talk about R.A-organised dinners; he would come out with the concept and how to go about it; when the BN local councillors didn’t do their job properly, the Opposition was good to him, Now he says that they are as bad as the ones in the BN. But when asked to be a committee member he would go, “It’s okay. You guys are doing a good job. Just carry on.” If you stand and chat in a group, he would butt in and take over the conversation. You want to change your oil filter, he would suggest something out-of-the-ordinary for your car. You talk about the problems your car has, he would tell you about his Beemer that is problem-free.

He is just a pain in the butt.

So there he was yakking away like a crazed Yak, going on about politics and so on, and how this Datuk and that Tan Sri had related to him the most confidential of all confidential details of the local political scene, while I ignored him completely, checking all e-mail accounts…repeatedly. The best part is, he kept on yakking away even when the foreman came to tell me to pick the car up at noon.

Suddenly he stopped. “I see you have been ignoring me,” he said. “Why do you people always ignore me like there is nothing I can give?”

I put my phone into my pocket, held his shoulder and said, “There is something that only you can give that we all would like very much from you.”

His eyes glittered as if he had just gotten the best news in life ever. “Really?” he smiled wide. “What’s that?”

“Your absence,” I replied and walked away leaving him dumbfounded.

I’m sure he has just found out that he is dumb.

For those who do not wish to scroll further down, please go HERE.

I cannot believe how pathetic drivers can be on the Malaysian roads. I had 2 cars in front of me last night with a ‘P’ for ‘Prick’ stickers stuck on their screens. One swerved from the left-most lane, cutting across the ‘Touch n Go’ and ‘SmartTag’ lanes just to get to the reload lane without turning on his indicator, then cut the queue right in front me. I was like, “WTF!” But I decided to keep my cool. It was the eve of my 42nd birthday and I was determined to stay happy and take Yummy Baby shopping. After queueing that long, his turn came. He got his wallet out, touched it against the scanner and, VOILA!…he had RM82++ credit in his stupid card! What an idiot! All the Touch n Go lanes were empty and he had to beat the queue, being a prick with a ‘P’ sticker by cutting across lanes, just to get through the toll gate?

Since I was already late, I hammered down at 170km/h down the NKVE, only to be slowed down by, yet another prick with a ‘P’ sticker, who decided to overtake the small lorry in front of him at 60km/h. Not that the lorry was doing 60km/h, but this prick was. Didn’t their stupid instructors teach them that if they turn into another person’s lane, they should be at, or attempt to be at, or faster than the speed of the person behind them who was already in the lane? What do idiot driving instructors teach here? Or is this another case of Black Coffee License? And this prick maintained that speed whilst the lorry also maintained 60km/h. Finally, it dawned upon him that his banged up Kancil could not sustain such high speeds, decided to put his foot on the brake pedal, causing me to do the same in turn, and the car behind me honked at me. After the idiot went back into the center lane and decided to turn on his indicator AFTER he had turn into that lane, I hammered down the highway at 170km/h again, then 160km/h down the SPRINT, past Semantan at 110km/h, and 140km/h down Lebuhraya Mahameru past PWTC.

Anyway, Yummy Baby made some corned beef filling for DYO sandwiches, while I made some corned beef fried rice, especially for Spena who’s never tasted my fried rice. I make meaner fried rice than Nik Nozrul Thani, okay, Sayang? It was supposed to be a supper somewhere outside as requested by Spena, but somehow, it turned into a small gathering with good friends like Rainmaker, Liverpool Babe, Spena and Rina Madonna Ciccone. Fellow Sicilian mafia like Gemgem Odorono Corleone was a no-show, while Gomba was busy keeping his Lu See Balls entertained somewhere in the north.

Rainmaker and I contemplating on what to eat next

Anyway, I woke up this morning because I was dreaming about the current political situation; and it made me rush to the toilet, not to puke, but to do big business. My shit reminds me of my feelings about politicians in this country, be they from the BN or from the PR. After 100 days, none of them are doing any work. So here is how I feel about them and their supporters who support them blindly: