Phee, Meurai Ja Klab Ban?

While driving back from dinner with Yummy Baby, Spena, and Oja, we talked about Koh Lipe, Koh Adang, Thai radio, then suddenly I was singing the Thai National Anthem (Phleng Chart Thai).

15 years ago, every single door on my office block would have the name tags written in Thai, so much so that my Commanding Officer, Colonel Shahron Ibrahim (now Lieutenant-General Dato’ Hj Shahron Ibrahim, RMAF – Chief of Staff of the Malaysian Armed Forces HQ) would frequently have problems finding his way to my office. I mean, he didn’t know which door to enter. And my staff and I would be speaking in Thai. Every morning at 9am (8am Thai time) the radio, tuned to a Thai radio station, would pipe in the Thai National Anthem and we would be singing: Prathet Thai ruam leuad neua chart chuea thai, pen pracha rat pha-thai korng thai thook suan and so on.

Thai was very much my life, having to alternate between my base in Alor Setar and the office in Songkhla, where my staff there, Flight Sergeant Abd Karim Abd Aziz from Pengkalan Hulu in Perak (he served with me once before at the Air Training HQ where I was the Adjutant and before that as SO3 Programming), and my signalman, Corporal Ahmad bin Morad a.k.a Mat Spring from Pendang, Kedah, were based permanently. Joining me from Alor Setar would be my team members, Sergeant Uzaid Ahmad, Corporal Rozamin Daud, Leading Aircraftman Dahlan Dahaman, Corporal Ali (whom I still maintain contact until now and Yummy Baby‘s heard us conversing in Thai), Corporal Md Fodzi Taib, and Leading Aircraftman Abdull bin Me. Ali and Abdull are Thai descendants, while Mat Spring is married to a Thai citizen.

Those were the good old days – it was tensed nevertheless as Southern Thai was as volatile then as it is now and a simple bomb blast would see us being sent to the location almost immediately to verify the situation. But life was good then. After a 24-hour duty, I would drive my Proton Saga (we were not allowed to drive Malaysian military vehicles across the border) to the Samilla Beach, buy a plate of fried chilli crabs for 10 Baht, sit on a mat facing the sea, wallop the crabs and sleep before driving back to my quarters at the Tanah Merah camp near Jenan.

I missed Thailand when I was transferred back to sit in a Major’s post as the Head of the Special Investigations Branch of the RMAF Provost Marshall’s Office. Life was so hectic there with lots of investigations to conduct, and seriously understaffed; I was flying to almost all the airbases in Malaysia on a daily basis, so much so that I had to forgo my resettlement training prior t leaving the service. As a matter of fact, after leaving the Air Force, I was still attending courts-martial on cases I prosecuted because I was still subjected to the Armed Forces Act, 1972, for three months after my run-out-date.

But Thailand was always on my mind.

In 1996, after my first wife and I separated, I went back to Thailand with friends during fasting month just to be able to have that feel of brotherhood with the Thai muslims, breaking fast with them at a mosque somewhere in Amphoe Sadao.

In 1997, being single, I went completely Thai especially during the International Parachuting Competition at the Phra Ram 6 Camp in Cha-Am north of Hua Hin, when I represented Malaysia. For 12 days there I spoke Thai and virtually Thai only. That was fun.

And soon, my job took me back there, mainly in Bangkok, and I spent quite some time there. Even when I was stationed in Langkawi, I would just take the last ferry out, spend a night in Hat Yai, then take the first flight out to Bangkok and spend the weekend there before flying back to KL. Just so that I could sit by the banks of the Chao Phraya river watching boats and ships ply.

For those who do not know, the Thais have two anthems. One is the National Anthem mentioned above that they would play twice daily (8am and 6pm), then there is also the Royal Anthem (Phleng Sansasoen Phra Barami) that is played during state functions, or when a member of the royal family is present, or before a movie starts. The royal anthem is also played on TV at the beginning and ending of the daily transmission.

I remember I went to watch a movie at the Emporium on Sukhumvit soi 24 with Bee, my friend’s secretary. After the trailers and adverts, an announcement was made for all to stand in respect for the King, and the royal anthem was played. I started singing Kha wora phutta chao, ao mano lae si rakran and Bee just looked at me in disbelief. Here I am, a foreigner, singing the royal anthem that many yuppies don’t even remember the lyrics to. She never asked me anything until after the movie when we walked at the Benjasiri Park (The Queen’s Park) when all activities came to a halt at 6pm when the National Anthem was played, and I sang along.

“Are you sure you are not Thai?” she asked me in Thai, to which I just smiled.

Khidtheung meuang Thai…yark ja ronghai!

Chao Phraya and Temple - Arrakeen

Pemeriksaan Kebenaran

Aku pandang aje surat dari drebar van sekolah budak-budak ni. Disebabkan kenaikan harga minyak mendadak maka dia menaikkan tambang sebanyak €3.18 seorang. Ini bermakna 5 orang anak yang ke sekolah menjadikan jumlah kenaikan sebanyak RM80.00. Jadi duit van sekolah aje dah RM480. Yuran bulanan sekolah Farhan RM230.

Bil api dan air kebiasaannya sebanyak RM600 sebulan. Duit belanja budak-budak ni sebulan RM85. Barang dapur lebih kurang RM1000 sebulan. Budak-budak ni memang kaki pelahap, terutamanya si kenit Nisaa tu dengan kakak-kakaknya yang membalun Maggi tengah malam buta. Minyak aku sehari RM70 menjadikan RM2100 sebulan. Tol RM500 sebulan. Broadband, telefon, ASTRO lebih kurang RM780.

Semuanya berjumlah RM5775.00 sebulan. Ini tak termasuk benda-benda lain.

Dan aku tak tahu mana punya baghal yang menganjurkan tunjuk perasaan anti-kenaikan minyak semalam. Memang pukimak punya laknat dasar mak bapak main dengan babi. Menyusahkan orang. Dah lah harga minyak naik, buat orang ramai terperangkap dalam jam menghabiskan minyak.

Dasar pantat mak bernanah masa lahirkan diorang. Kecik-kecik tak nak mampus, dah besar menyusahkan orang.

Of Super Nacet And Gillette, And Fine Dining

I had one of those nothing-to-do-but-just-want-to-get-close-to-you talks with Yummy Baby recently when the topic changed to women who fleece men. The terminology used here is ketuk. In the old days, they were called pisau cukur (razor). Is fleece the correct term, Idlan? Yummy Baby thinks that the trips she’s been with me was a form of ketuking as it was all paid for; but I said no, as it was more like a hubby-wifey kind of trip. She then said that wives do ketuk husbands. I said only wives who do not love husbands do that. It is okay to want something. But to demand something beyond or just within the ability for the husband to pay is too much, in my not-very-humble opinion.

Anyway, I told Yummy Baby about the times I was fleeced (and almost fleeced) by women. When I was a Lieutenant, earning about RM800 (basic) + RM115 (allowance), I befriended this daughter of a Datuk. Although she was only a management trainee at a company in the Golden Triangle, her ego and status got the best of her. The first lunch date was at a fancy restaurant. After lunch, she dragged me to this department store where she had booked a bottle of D&G perfume, and asked me to pay. Bloody hell! That was more than a quarter of my basic pay. The second time I thought I’d get back at her by asking her to meet me at Sungei Wang Plaza for cheap KFC. She outsmarted me by booking a dress at a nearby boutique and asked me to pay for it. She purposely chose the route where we would have to pass in front of the boutique to get to KFC and she’d go, “Eh, that dress is beautiful!” and then walk in there and tell the shopowner that I’ve arrived to pay. The third time, she asked me for lunch at a off-the-beaten-path located restaurant. Fine by me. Then when she started to talk about a marble-top dining table for her new apartment near the polo club from a furniture center not too far away from the restaurant, I finally said, “Yes.” with the sweetest smile. Ten minutes after finishing my food, I excused myself to go to the gents, and never saw her again. Luckily this was during the pre-mobile phone period. I never saw her again, and nor did I get to see the bill for that expensive seafood lunch.

After my first divorce, I got to know this sweet looking executive from a public-listed transport company. Very demure, tudung-wearing, sweet thing, from Kamunting. Her place of origin should have been a warning to me, but I failed to see that. The first date was a shared cup of Jelly Ice Cream at KFC. It ended on a good note and I was allowed to drive her home. One day, she called me and asked me to meet her at a jeweller’s inside Sogo. I asked her why, and she replied that she dreamt that her ex-boyfriend was jealous of us seeing each other and would cast a black magic spell on her. The only way for that to be avoided is by my buying her a gold ring of her choice. I smelt something fishy and it had nothing to do with the underwater world, or a vagina laden with yeast. But since I was away in Johor to do a job, I told her to buy the ring first and I would mail her the cheque. She purchased the ring and told me the amount was around RM2K. That night, I e-mailed her a jpeg image of the cheque.

So, for you guys who keep getting fleeced by women who like fine things and fine dining, I suggest you take her to Uncle Ho’s Fine Foods located at the Midvalley Megamall. Each plate of mixed babi (taking Icecool’s words) cost RM200++. And it is good food.

Mixed Babi
Mixed Babi Plates

No points for presentation
No points for presentation. But the taste? HO SEK!

Icecool, we should do this again la. Lama dah. October was the last time.

The Day Nisaa Got Rich

Just before I left the house, I left some money on the dining table and Nisaa found the money:

I'm rich!
Yeehaa! I’m rich!

Let's count
Okay, let’s see how much I have here

Can buy a car
Yahoo! I can buy a car with this!

Let's go
Ayah, can we go to the toy store now?

Photo please
Oh, can I have a photo taken of us like the ones of you and your friend?

Father and daughter
Father and daughter

Petrol RM2.70 Satu Liter, Diesel RM2.58 Satu Liter? Aku Gumbira!

Aku gumbira!

Aku gumbira tetapi Zaide kata orang tua kalau bersanding memang cute. Aku kata orang tua-tua bersanding macam “Alip Mim Wau…Alip tendang Wau…SARKIS!”

Aku gumbira sebab rakan seperjuangan Kimi, iaitu Hazeem, berjaya pulang ke tanah air walaupun polisi imigresen di Syria berubah-ubah seperti nafsu orang-orang Arab…kejap nak pompuan, kejap nak kambing. Kalau tidak sudah tentu Hazeem akan sangkut di situ seperti dua orang rakan sekerjanya kini, dan terpaksa berjubor dengan unta yang bulu matanya lentik setelah 3 bulan ketandusan dan kegersangan syahwat.

Aku gumbira. Kimi juga kata aku gumbira dan kelihatan gumbira.

Cokotx: u lookin veliii different
SeaDemon: hhahahha…
Kimi: look
SeaDemon: how diffelent?
Kimi: very
Kimi: kalau dulu cam stress
Kimi: 401 muscles tarik ke bwh
Kimi: susah
Kimi: skrg ni..less than 100…naik ke atas
Kimi: dulu bro
Kimi: i leh ‘nampak’ 4 tan batu kat bahu
SeaDemon: memng pun
Kimi: skrg ni..dah jd angel
Kimi: floating
SeaDemon: hhahahaha
Kimi: nasib la berat 25kg than b4
Kimi: or else sure terbang (“Cipet!” kataku dalam hati. “Sempat lagi balun!”
Kimi: dulu nak ckp ngan u pon rasa seriau
SeaDemon: we shud go diving soon la bro
Kimi: dpt penampar kapten…mmg sesia

Ya, aku kini lebih gumbira berbanding dahulu.

Petrol naik hingga RM2.70?

Persetankan!

Aku kini lebih gumbira!

Gumbira-nya kami
Aku setuju, Kimi. Aku lebih gumbira kini

Tapi memang kimak la harga minyak naik. Lepas ni harga barang pulak naik macam cipet busuk.

For The Love Of My Life To Love My Life That I Love

Yummy Baby and I have always agreed that we will not force each other to take up the other’s interest, or to share the same interests. That would then make us unique, being able to do other things and pursue our own interests without having the other half constantly breathing down our neck. However, I have broken that cardinal rule by asking her to take up scuba diving. Well, I did not exactly ask her to, but I wanted her to.

Yummy Baby has never snorkeled before, until she followed to me to the island one day, and with her friends, went snorkeling for the first time, and became murid lawan cikgu when she went on a snorkeling bout everytime I was out diving. And for a person who before this was making millions of excuses NOT to enter sea water at all, she gave me some problems when she had taken the chalet key with her snorkeling and I had to psyche myself up not to poo in my wetsuit, losing about 4kgs of sweat in the process.

I am a scuba freak. There were times that I would do 8 dives a day; commencing my first dive at around 4am, ending the last dive past midnight. The most dives I have done in a day in waters deeper than 4 meters and staying longer than 21 minutes was 24 dives. Of course, I had like 2 bottles of O2 on the standby topside so I could breathe pure oxygen everytime I surfaced. Don’t ask me what I was doing then but that was last year in January. On average I would do a minimum of 3 dives per day; that comes to about 6 dives per weekend trip. But the last trip, I did only 4 dives. 2 each day. That was below average, even by my worst standard – that is, diving when I am ill. One of which was a shore dive, and everyone knows I never do shore dives on an island trip unless I have to. And why was that so? I felt guilty leaving Yummy Baby alone when it was supposed to be our trip, albeit with friends, we were supposed to spend more time together, cementing the already tough bond. But there we were…on a trip together…she was doing her thing, and I was doing mine, and the only times we got to do things together was when we finally shut our eyes at night.

So that is the logical explanation for my wanting her to take up scuba diving. And I want her to enjoy further what she has seen from the surface while snorkeling.

And what is more satisfying than to enjoy things that de-stresses you with the one you love, like the view below?

Underwater...my world

And Yummy Baby is upset because I did not respond directly to her posting on the same topic. I’d rather do an elaborate response here on my blog.

Let Me Whack You Back To Reality A Bit

Show this to your children who like to waste food, or not eat the things that have been served on the dining table.

In the last photo, a vulture is seen waiting for the child to die. The photographer, Kevin Carter, committed suicide 3 months after that photo was taken. He was chronically depressed because of what he saw.

Penat-Penat Charles Darwin Mengeluarkan Teorinya: Beruk Punya Monyet

Aku terjaga dari lena ku yang agak dalam.

4.20 pagi rupanya.

Selalunya time-time seperti ini hantu, setan dan jembalang melata di muka bumi. Patutlah aku terjaga dari tidur sebab aku sepatutnya melata juga di muka bumi ini seperti mereka-mereka yang sewaktu denganku.

Cipet. Setelah dua pinggan baryani power aku melantak lapan jam yang lepas, perut aku mula mendendangkan irama keroncong semula, Mungkin tiba masanya untuk aku melantak sebungkus dua Maggi perisa kari. Kalau aku dimarahin sekali pun oleh Yummy Baby namun aku tetap dengan pendirian aku untuk tidak makan lewat malam. Sekarang ini dah 4.23 pagi. Dah awal pagi. Masa untuk aku melantak pre-breakfast appetizer.

Di masa-masa yang sunyi disulami deruan lori-lori, bas ekspres dan kenderaan mereka yang membuat multilevel marketing yang memecah keheningan malam seperti inilah membuat aku alami flashback budak bertudung memberi blowjob, makcik bertudung mencaci orang, pakcik berkopiah mengata orang, serta cebisan-cebisan daging seorang mat rempit yang kehebatannya ditewaskan oleh sebuah lori treler di atas Federal Highway. Persamaannya agak ketara: ada otak tak nak fikir, dan fikiran yang ada biasanya jumud.

Kimak punya otak mula membebelkan arca benda yang bukan-bukan. Kenapa tidak membayangkan benda-benda indah seperti tonggengan Jessica Simpson, atau lekuk bontot Angelina Jolie? Aku mula membayangkan Kacang Pool yang aku makan untuk sarapan pagi tadi. 7 tahun dah aku tak makan benda tu. Punyalah sedap sampai berkali-kali aku masuk jamban. Setidak-tidaknya orang-oranng di Indah Water mendapat gaji halal dengan kerja yang aku berikan. Tidaklah lagi mereka membuat kerja bodoh seperti mengirim tuntutan khidmat pembetungan untuk tanah dusun bapak aku. Bongok ke apa? Ingat pokok durian tu berak ke?

Kalau engkorang baca sampai baris ni maknanya memang engkorang suka tulisan aku dan tak suka bekerja. Kemungkinan juga engkorang baca sampai sini sebab bos engkorang adalah seorang mamat yang mempunyai penyakit brainophobia tetapi masih hidup dalam denial.

Aku kini mengimbau kembali suatu hari selepas Thanksgiving di mana Benjamin Franklin memberitahu aku:

“There are two things that stinks after 3 days – fish and visitors.”

Mungkin Abang Ben patut bersembang hal tersebut dengan Glaucoma Monkey. Untuk pengetahuan umum, Glaucoma Monkey merupakan bekas suami Yummy Baby yang aku lepuk tidak lama dahulu. Pelakon drama lepasan SPM ini mempunyai IQ yang lebih rendah dari seekor amoeba. Beliau pernah bercita-cita untuk melanjutkan pelajaran ke satu tahap yang lebih tinggi, iaitu STPM. Tetapi apa kan daya, tak cukup syarat. Kewarasannya disyakki. Glaucoma Monkey adalah seorang yang mempunyai kulit yang lebih tebal dari kulit buaya, berbiji mata yang lebih besar dari otaknya, tetapi buta. Selepas bercerai dengan Yummy Baby beliau masih menganggap diri beliau berkuasa ke atas Yummy Baby< – dan perkara ini benar sehinggalah pada suatu malam yang syahdu, tumbukan aku dilepaskan terhadapnya setelah beliau cuba membunuh Yummy Baby.

Nak dijadikan cerita, anak-anak Yummy Baby telah pulang bercuti bersama-sama ninda mereka di kampung. Glaucoma Monkey juga turut sama. Selama seminggu Glaucoma Monkey berada di kampung dengan anak-anak. Masalahnya, itu kampung Yummy Baby, bukan kampungnya. SEMINGGU anak haram tu berkampung di kampung orang lain. Kalau duduk di hotel dan bawa anak-anak bermalam di situ tak apalah jugak. Ini dengan tidak malunya bangsat ni berkampung di rumah mak bapak Yummy Baby. Dah lah kau nak bunuh anak diorang, kau boleh berkampung pulak kat rumah diorang. Memang dasar mak dia puki bernanah main dengan anjing kurap…6 bulan lepas tu keluar dia dengan mata glaucoma dan terencat akal.

Ada hati pulak tu bila dengar aku nak ke sana, nak tumpang kereta aku balik ke KL. Tak malu punya bangsat. Lalu aku suruh Yummy Baby hantar SMS kepada pukimak tu:

“We are on our way and I don’t think SeaDemon wants to see you anywhere in that town. You better leave now before we arrive.”

Hampir dua jam kemudian, beliau membalas SMS tersebut:

“I’m leaving on the 2.30pm bus.”

Kimak. Aku mengharapkan beliau bebal dan tidak fahami maksud SMS pertama supaya aku ada entertainment – boleh aku practise balik aku punya roundhouse kick, slapping kick dan flying kick. Mungkin flying kick tu sukar sikit aku nak achieve memandangkan aku dah 25 kilo lebih berat dari masa aku belajar buat flying kick. Tapi takat nak cabut kuku guna plier, aku masih expert.

Kalau tidak pun, aku longgarkan lubang duburnya dengan baseball bat aku, lepas tu kasi pakai lipstick tebal-tebal dan ikat dia kat tiang lampu berhampiran sebuah taman tasik. Mungkin ada bangla atau indon kontrak yang mata dah kabur akan melepaskan nafsu serakah.

Berak senang beb!

Beruk punya monyet.

Sekiranya anda membaca posting ini dan ingin meluahkan rasa benci anda kepada Glaucoma Monkey, sila dial 019-3783048.

Dahlah! Aku lapar. Aku nak makan dan tidur lepas ini.

Kisah Sebuah Traffic Light

Traffic Light

Traffic light.

Lampu isyarat.

Di Afrika Selatan mereka menggelarkan benda ni Robot. Banyak sangat tengok Transformers kot.

Aku di sebuah traffic light tempoh hari bila aku mengucup pipi Yummy Baby. Kemudian aku pandang belakang aku nampak makcik bertudung labuh yang memandu sebuah Ford Econovan tercengang melihat kejadian dalam kereta kami. Aku cuma nampak sebelah tangannya sahaja di steering wheel.

Mesti dalam kepalanya dia menyebut, “Astaghfirullah!“…dia mintak ampun sebab dia nengok benda yang tak patut dia nengok.

Tangan yang missing tu hampir pasti mengerobek puki.

Foreplay baginya, beb. Watper lagi?

Salamat Sa Iyong Supporta

Thank you to those who were there last night lending their support: Spena, King Cobra, Liverpool Babe, Gombak4Life, Aiz, Pak Sudin, Neomesuff, Wan, Rainmaker, Abang Rina, Gemgem Odorono.

And since KY is petroleum-based, will its price go up?

Or maybe I should switch to using butter. As Countloon put it in a YM message:

COUNTLOON: that’s why guna butter
COUNTLOON: hahahahahhaa
COUNTLOON: licin bak KY, sedap pak pasta
SeaDemon: hhhhahahaha
COUNTLOON: butter + masin sikit = yogurty taste
COUNTLOON: siap ada some cream lagi
COUNTLOON: habis tutuh bawah…. beransur ke mulut pulak
COUNTLOON: memang sedap dijilat sehingga kering

Yup, butter would be cheaper. As long as I don’t screw both my girlfriend and my ex-wife, and then send my girlfriend for a paid holiday and take my ex-wife and children for holidays and still screw my ex.

How sick can that be?