SeaDemon Says

I am a non-conformist by nature, an anti-establishment when I was a lot younger. In the UK back in the 1980s, I was very much anti-Thatcher and initially supported the cause of the socialist Arthur Scargill and the National Union of Mineworkers during the Miners’ Strike of 1984-85. All that until one day, someone senior woke me up with these words:

A democratically-elected government will not do something unpopular without reasons that would benefit the people

Whether you want to believe in the above or not, is not for me to say, nor do I want you to debate over that particular quote. You either take it, or you leave it.

During my Officer Cadet days I was taught to question orders, not blindly, but by analyzing the logic of an order. I carry this with me until now, I question everything I find illogical. This has put me at odds with some people, especially when it comes to questions on religion.

I find the approach taken by Muslims towards Islam as rigid and totally unfriendly. The problem arises when people who do not fully understand the concept of the religion take it upon them to become the guardian of the religion, guardian of God, so on and so forth. They do things without full comprehension of the dalil (reason or argument) behind things, and what is the history behind the ayats (verses) inside the Quran. They hold books written by Imams and ‘Alims as God’s words inscribed in stone, rather than as mere interpretations by fellow mortals.

Most of all, they fail to use the one thing that God asked us to use which is the ‘Aqli (power of thinking):

And We gave him (back) his people and doubled their number― as a Grace from Ourselves, and a thing for commemoration, for all who have Understanding (al-Quran 38:43)

My approach to Islam is simple. God did not give us this religion and the Quran to trouble us, give us problems etc:

We have not sent down the Qur’an to thee to be (an occasion) for thy distress (al-Quran 20:2)

Therefore, there are lots of things which I deemed as bid’ah (inventions) that are unnecessary and confusing, especially to the non-Muslims. So, I go back to basics. I follow what is inside the Quran as my guide, and the aHadith as-Sahih (sayings and traditions of Muhammad) where the Quran is silent. What I do or don’t do of what is obliged of me is purely between God and I, and not for anyone else to judge – unless if I have plans to lead the country. And because of the above, I have, on occasions been labeled as a Wahabbi.

I’m sorry to disappoint those who label me; but I do not subscribe to one sect as the rest do. Each sect says theirs is the best: so whose Islam is the best? I would rather leave it up to God to deal with that. So, while I would hold on to Islam as my belief, do not expect me to run around burning Israeli flag or demonstrate against those who ridicule Allah because I am just a mortal and Allah is the Supreme Being. I doubt if He needs any help if He can wipe out this whole world just by “breathing.”

But I will continue to whack those who use religion to serve their self-interest; and those who continue to make Islam ridiculous in the eyes of non-believers.

So, I’ll create my own sect that reflects my pungent and fiery attacks towards ragheads: WASABBI

Pada suatu hari, ada seorang pakcik. Pakcik ni kerja berkebun. Tiap-tiap pagi, dia dengan anak dara dia akan bawak sayur-sayur ke pasar tani dan jual. Duit yang diorang dapat, diorang beli bahan untuk dapur, macam beras, kentang, bawang dan sebagainya. Duit baki pakcik ni akan serahkan kepada anak dara dia untuk disimpan.

Satu hari, lepas dah beli barang dapur, diorang pun berjalanlah balik ke rumah. Tak semena-mena ada 4 orang perompak yang bersenjatakan sepucuk shotgun dan kapak telah merompak mereka. Habis semua benda diorang ambik. Pakcik tu teramatlah sedih, lalu sambil menangis beliau berkata kepada anak dara beliau:

“Apalah nasib kita ni? Kenapa orang nak rompak orang miskin macam kita? Habis barang-barang dapur untuk mak kau masak dah tak ada. Duit kita pun tak ada.”

Anak dara pakcik ni pun pujuklah pakcik ni:

“Jangan risau, Pak. Duit kita ada lagi.”

Terkejut beruk pakcik tu, lantas bertanya:

“Kau simpan kat mana duit baki tadi?”

Anak dara pakcik tu pun membesarkan kangkangnya dan menyelukkan tangannya ke dalam cipapnya lalu mengeluarkan segenggam duit:

“Ni dia, Pak. Duit baki kita!”

Bila terlihat kesemua duit baki tadi terselamat, lagi kuatlah meraung pakcik kita ni tadi. Hairan anak dara pakcik tu melihat bapanya.

“Duit ada, Pak! Duit tak hilang! Kenapa bapak menangis lagi kuat?”

Sambil menghempas-hempaskan badannya ke atas tanah dan menumbuk-numbuk tanah sambil meraung, pakcik menjawab:

“Kalau aku tau aku bawak mak engkau! Boleh simpan guni beras sekali!”

And that makes me wonder where can that goddamned Omega wristwatch be…

Written by a senior engineer:

“Congrates!”

Written by a teacher:

“I’m stucked in traffic.”

Written by a manager:

“Come and joint us tonight!”

And last week, at the annual general meeting of the Ex-Air Force Commandos Association, I was told by a former subordinate that a recently-graduated officer briefed the US Marines during the annual Exercise Balance Mint:

“Good morning! All the US go to the left, and all the Americans go to right.”

Improve on English or lose out in job market, undergrads told

If you remember Ustazah Corporal Z, she had a boss, Captain Ustaz R, a bachelor back then. Captain R was one of my fishing buddies. Others included Corporal Hashim (retired as a Warrant Officer), the late Corporal Lee Boon Cheng, the late Corporal Budin Lahom, Corporal Abdul Karim Aziz (retired a Flight Sergeant), Sergeant Zakaria Din (retired a Warrant Officer) and Sergeant Aziz “Thursday Night Friday” Din (retired as a Sergeant).

Anyway, Captain R had long suspected that the junior ranks had been watching porn videos inside their barracks during weekends and asked me, as the adjutant of the HQ, for my opinion. I told him to let them be since they couldn’t get a weekend pass to go home to their family. Being a man of religion and a bachelor, he was curious about porn videos.

So, I arranged with the boys for a special screening for Captain R the following weekend. He was like all so eager. We let him sit right in front of the TV and the boys switched on the video player. On the screen showed dancers from the Solid Gold Dancers do their routine, and Captain R asked:

“Eh, ni cerita apa?” (Eh, what story is this?)

Me: “Kejap je ni. Lepas ni start la.” (This scene is only for a while. Porn movie will start after this)

The dancers kept dancing for a good 15 minutes more before football started.

Captain R: “Eh, bola pulak? Kata cerita blue!” (Eh, football? I thought this is supposed to be a porn video?)

Corporal Karim: “Lepas ni tuan. Ini decoy takut orang jumpa tape.” (It’s after this, sir. This is a decoy in case someone finds this tape).

In the end, he sat there and watched until the tape finished playing, and no porn was shown, and we had the last laugh that night.

There are times when it is so difficult to figure out why people do the things they do, and the things they do are beyond dumb. One of them would be my Bibik OR-CARE who would be the epitome of dumbness.

Since my second daughter now lives with us, I do the school-bus run to send her to school early in the morning, exposing me to a new phenomenon in that dumb universe she lives in. Bibik OR-CARE would wear tudung inconsistently. She would sometimes wear a tudung, sometimes she’d just put on the anak tudung, sometimes she’d walk to the park without any tudung at all. Now, in the morning, I would get to see her wear tudung, but she’d be in shorts while most other times she would be covering everything but her hair. Or, she would even have that tudung put over her scalp like a piece of cloth, untied. Just like putting a handkerchief on top of the head.

So, I now have a sphygmomanometer on standby inside my room in case I need to know why do I have an acute headache after seeing her weird behaviour.
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Now, why do I remember why I should write this posting?

Just the other night, Wifey, my brother-in-law and I were discussing about some dumb things that people do. 22 years ago, I was the Adjutant of the Air Force’s Air Training Command, located in Tanjung Bungah on the island of Penang (now called the Sekolah Ikhtisas Tentera Udara). There I met a female Corporal from the Armed Forces Religious Corps. Let’s call her Ustazah Z. Ustazah Z hails from Gulau, a kampung in the district of Sik, on the way to Gubir. I bet you wouldn’t even know there is a place called SOK there.

Anyway, Ustazah Z joined the Territorial Army but was absorbed into the Religious Corps because she graduated from a religious school. She had never traveled outside of Southern Kedah, not even to Alor Setar, the state capital. Therefore, reporting to our headquarters was like going abroad for her.

I received a “signal” (the equivalent to a telegram message) from the Religious Corps HQ informing us that she would be reporting on one Monday morning, and had requested that she be picked up at the ferry terminal on the island-side between 6am to 6.30am. I in turn ordered the duty driver, Leading Aircraftman Roslan (a Leading Aircraftman is the equivalent of a Lance Corporal) to wait for her at the jetty. When asked how would he recognise her, I told him to look out for a woman in green baju kurung uniform.

Three hours later, I received a call from Roslan telling me that Ustazah Z hadn’t turned up. He told me that he could not see anyone wearing the Religious Corps’ uniform. At that, I told him to return to the HQ.

An hour later, I received a call from Ustazah Z:

Ustazah Z: “Assalamualaikum, Tuan. Ini saya Kopral Z. Patutnya saya lapor kat unit pagi tak sat (tadi) tapi saya lewat la Tuan. Feri tak dak!”

Me: “Kamu ni betul ke ada di jeti feri?”

Ustazah Z: “Betui, Tuan. Takkan la saya nak muhung (bohong)!”

Me: “Takkan tak ada feri? Feri punya banyak!”

Ustazah Z: “Betui, Tuan. Feri pi Pulau Pinang tak dak. Saya dok tengok kat feri semua dok pi tempat lain. Semua tulih Pulau Undan, Pulau Kapas, Pulau Rimau. Hak pi Pulau Pinang tak dak!”

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Ustazah Z is not as dumb as Bibik OR-CARE is, just that she was never exposed to life outside her village, or at most, minimal. As a bachelor then, I used to spend most of my weekends in KL – I’d board the 2pm train to KL, and return to Penang by the only express bus service then that would go all the way to the island – SILVER EXPRESS. By the time I get into office, it would be past 8am, and I would have missed the morning parade.

One fine morning, the bus arrived early, and I made it to the parade. After the parade, Ustazah Z approached me:

Ustazah Z: “Awai Tuan hari ni! Tuan tak balik KL ka?”

Me: “Balik.”

Ustazah Z: “Habih, awai Tuan sampai hari ni. Tuan naik apa?”

Me: “Jalan kaki.”

To this, she paused for the longest time before looking at me with the most puzzled look and asked:

“Jauh tu! Bila Tuan start jalan?”