SeaDemon Says

I wanted to blog about this yesterday but I felt so burnt out after office that I just crashed myself onto the bed the moment I arrived home. It’s a compelling issue that has been playing on my mind for a few days now that I thought I should pen it down as soon as I can before it ends up as one of those countless drafts I have on this blog.

Anyway, Arnold Schwarzenegger is a lazy husband. He is so lazy he didn’t leave home to have an affair!

Lazy Husbands exist. My wife had a lazy husband for 7 years before deciding she;d had enough of being the sole breadwinner in the family; feeding not just the kids, but the husband too. Ontop of that, she had to fork out for the groceries, pay the car’s monthly installments, finance his “teh tarik” sessions with “potential clients“, working her butt off while he lazes at home busy on the Playstation.

Anyway, what prompted me to write on this topic is because of what happened to me a few days back. It concerns a “kakak” from a different subsidiary whom I have hardly spoken to, but suddenly approached me at my office asking to lend her some money. It wasn’t a small amount. When told I do not have that kind of money to spare, she left, looking for other “victims” to borrow from.

I didn’t know anything about her until some of my staff members saw her approach me. Apparently according to them, her husband doesn’t work. Not because he is disabled, but because he is just plain lazy. He would portray himself as a successful businessman, but in reality beats his wife up if she doesn’t give him money to spend. They have two children, staying in a double-storey terraced house near Rawang that she’s paying for. She commutes by train to work daily while he drives around Rawang and wherever else in the car that she pays for monthly. She has been borrowing here to cover for the previous loan there. I understand now why my boss’s secretary has been asking her to cater for our office’s small do’s – she can cook well. I think if she were to cook nasi lemak for the husband to sell on a daily basis, they would make at least RM100 per day; that would be more than enough to supplement her income to feed her family and the lazy husband as well.

Of course the husband would have none of that – he does not want to be seen doing odd jobs or jobs that look petty in his eyes.

Deeper probing have revealed that other managers have lend her money before, some up to three years ago, which she has yet to settle. And the amount runs into five-figures, almost triple my gross salary. The problem doesn’t just lie in him as the lazy husband, but in her with her denial syndrome as well. Any talk about asking her husband to look for a job would be met with the usual response, “My husband is a good businessman.”

I certainly feel nobody should lend her anymore money. If she does not want to help herself by either asking the husband to get a job, by her getting out of the marriage to save her future and that of her kids, then she does not deserve help.

As for this kakak, I just wish her well and hope one day her husband will knock some senses into her head – literally.

I am a non-conformist by nature, an anti-establishment when I was a lot younger. In the UK back in the 1980s, I was very much anti-Thatcher and initially supported the cause of the socialist Arthur Scargill and the National Union of Mineworkers during the Miners’ Strike of 1984-85. All that until one day, someone senior woke me up with these words:

A democratically-elected government will not do something unpopular without reasons that would benefit the people

Whether you want to believe in the above or not, is not for me to say, nor do I want you to debate over that particular quote. You either take it, or you leave it.

During my Officer Cadet days I was taught to question orders, not blindly, but by analyzing the logic of an order. I carry this with me until now, I question everything I find illogical. This has put me at odds with some people, especially when it comes to questions on religion.

I find the approach taken by Muslims towards Islam as rigid and totally unfriendly. The problem arises when people who do not fully understand the concept of the religion take it upon them to become the guardian of the religion, guardian of God, so on and so forth. They do things without full comprehension of the dalil (reason or argument) behind things, and what is the history behind the ayats (verses) inside the Quran. They hold books written by Imams and ‘Alims as God’s words inscribed in stone, rather than as mere interpretations by fellow mortals.

Most of all, they fail to use the one thing that God asked us to use which is the ‘Aqli (power of thinking):

And We gave him (back) his people and doubled their number― as a Grace from Ourselves, and a thing for commemoration, for all who have Understanding (al-Quran 38:43)

My approach to Islam is simple. God did not give us this religion and the Quran to trouble us, give us problems etc:

We have not sent down the Qur’an to thee to be (an occasion) for thy distress (al-Quran 20:2)

Therefore, there are lots of things which I deemed as bid’ah (inventions) that are unnecessary and confusing, especially to the non-Muslims. So, I go back to basics. I follow what is inside the Quran as my guide, and the aHadith as-Sahih (sayings and traditions of Muhammad) where the Quran is silent. What I do or don’t do of what is obliged of me is purely between God and I, and not for anyone else to judge – unless if I have plans to lead the country. And because of the above, I have, on occasions been labeled as a Wahabbi.

I’m sorry to disappoint those who label me; but I do not subscribe to one sect as the rest do. Each sect says theirs is the best: so whose Islam is the best? I would rather leave it up to God to deal with that. So, while I would hold on to Islam as my belief, do not expect me to run around burning Israeli flag or demonstrate against those who ridicule Allah because I am just a mortal and Allah is the Supreme Being. I doubt if He needs any help if He can wipe out this whole world just by “breathing.”

But I will continue to whack those who use religion to serve their self-interest; and those who continue to make Islam ridiculous in the eyes of non-believers.

So, I’ll create my own sect that reflects my pungent and fiery attacks towards ragheads: WASABBI

Pada suatu hari, ada seorang pakcik. Pakcik ni kerja berkebun. Tiap-tiap pagi, dia dengan anak dara dia akan bawak sayur-sayur ke pasar tani dan jual. Duit yang diorang dapat, diorang beli bahan untuk dapur, macam beras, kentang, bawang dan sebagainya. Duit baki pakcik ni akan serahkan kepada anak dara dia untuk disimpan.

Satu hari, lepas dah beli barang dapur, diorang pun berjalanlah balik ke rumah. Tak semena-mena ada 4 orang perompak yang bersenjatakan sepucuk shotgun dan kapak telah merompak mereka. Habis semua benda diorang ambik. Pakcik tu teramatlah sedih, lalu sambil menangis beliau berkata kepada anak dara beliau:

“Apalah nasib kita ni? Kenapa orang nak rompak orang miskin macam kita? Habis barang-barang dapur untuk mak kau masak dah tak ada. Duit kita pun tak ada.”

Anak dara pakcik ni pun pujuklah pakcik ni:

“Jangan risau, Pak. Duit kita ada lagi.”

Terkejut beruk pakcik tu, lantas bertanya:

“Kau simpan kat mana duit baki tadi?”

Anak dara pakcik tu pun membesarkan kangkangnya dan menyelukkan tangannya ke dalam cipapnya lalu mengeluarkan segenggam duit:

“Ni dia, Pak. Duit baki kita!”

Bila terlihat kesemua duit baki tadi terselamat, lagi kuatlah meraung pakcik kita ni tadi. Hairan anak dara pakcik tu melihat bapanya.

“Duit ada, Pak! Duit tak hilang! Kenapa bapak menangis lagi kuat?”

Sambil menghempas-hempaskan badannya ke atas tanah dan menumbuk-numbuk tanah sambil meraung, pakcik menjawab:

“Kalau aku tau aku bawak mak engkau! Boleh simpan guni beras sekali!”

And that makes me wonder where can that goddamned Omega wristwatch be…

Written by a senior engineer:

“Congrates!”

Written by a teacher:

“I’m stucked in traffic.”

Written by a manager:

“Come and joint us tonight!”

And last week, at the annual general meeting of the Ex-Air Force Commandos Association, I was told by a former subordinate that a recently-graduated officer briefed the US Marines during the annual Exercise Balance Mint:

“Good morning! All the US go to the left, and all the Americans go to right.”

Improve on English or lose out in job market, undergrads told

If you remember Ustazah Corporal Z, she had a boss, Captain Ustaz R, a bachelor back then. Captain R was one of my fishing buddies. Others included Corporal Hashim (retired as a Warrant Officer), the late Corporal Lee Boon Cheng, the late Corporal Budin Lahom, Corporal Abdul Karim Aziz (retired a Flight Sergeant), Sergeant Zakaria Din (retired a Warrant Officer) and Sergeant Aziz “Thursday Night Friday” Din (retired as a Sergeant).

Anyway, Captain R had long suspected that the junior ranks had been watching porn videos inside their barracks during weekends and asked me, as the adjutant of the HQ, for my opinion. I told him to let them be since they couldn’t get a weekend pass to go home to their family. Being a man of religion and a bachelor, he was curious about porn videos.

So, I arranged with the boys for a special screening for Captain R the following weekend. He was like all so eager. We let him sit right in front of the TV and the boys switched on the video player. On the screen showed dancers from the Solid Gold Dancers do their routine, and Captain R asked:

“Eh, ni cerita apa?” (Eh, what story is this?)

Me: “Kejap je ni. Lepas ni start la.” (This scene is only for a while. Porn movie will start after this)

The dancers kept dancing for a good 15 minutes more before football started.

Captain R: “Eh, bola pulak? Kata cerita blue!” (Eh, football? I thought this is supposed to be a porn video?)

Corporal Karim: “Lepas ni tuan. Ini decoy takut orang jumpa tape.” (It’s after this, sir. This is a decoy in case someone finds this tape).

In the end, he sat there and watched until the tape finished playing, and no porn was shown, and we had the last laugh that night.