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An Old One Just To Amuse You Women

This is an old one:

Two strangers were seated next to each other on the plane when the guy turned to the beautiful blonde and made his move by saying, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly, and said to the guy, “What would you like to discuss?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the player. “How about nuclear power?”

“OK,” said the blonde. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

“Oh brother,” said the guy. “I have no idea.”

“Well, then,” said the blond, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”

Courtesy of pinx dot dk

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Daging Goreng Kunyit (Beef Stir-Fried in Turmeric)

No, I’m not a cook, but there are times that I feel like cooking – a trait I noticed when I was in high school. I do not have a recipe for things, but when I eat something, I imagine the ingredients through the taste and conjure a recipe for it. And I have had several requests for the above recipe, so for those who would like to try it out, do so at your own risk. And although oozing profanities is what we have in common, don’t expect me to write a recipe like Gordon Ramsay would:

Beef Stir-Fried in Turmeric

INGREDIENTS (SERVES 4)

500 grams of beef (I use rump steak)
Turmeric Powder
Salt
Sugar (as a stand-by in case you put too much salt in it 😛 )
One big Yellow Onion
3-4 Cloves of Garlic
Capsicum (for the colour)
Long Beans
Cauliflower or Leek (your preference, really)

THE PROCESS

Slice beef into pieces
Cut Yellow Onion as if you’re making Onion Rings
How you want to cut the rest is up to you

Put 3-4 tablespoonful of Turmeric powder into a bowl
Sprinkle some salt
Paste beef with this mixture
Add 2 cups of water into a wok
Put beef into wok and let it boil ’til dry
As it is drying up, taste the water to see if it gets saltier. If you find it a tinge saltier than you would prefer, add some sugar

Once it is dry, put some oil into the wok and stir-fry the beef until it is nice and brown (don’t overcook it because you’ll make the meat tough)
Then put all the vegetables inside and cover for about half a minute.

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Let Me Ask You This…

Who is the stupid one? I shall give three scenarios based on actual people and let you decide.

FIRST SCENARIO – TRUST

Girl wearing tudung with a well-paying job meets a 40-year old single father who has no fixed income. The latter had probably won her by spending the money he had inherited from his late father, but is now as skint as the Sahara on a summer’s day. They live together in a rented apartment. He gets jobs here and there but either never delivers, or will always deliver after the due date, but since talk is cheap and so is he, he keeps telling her to hold on as the BIG ONE will be coming in soon! So, all plans for marriage is on hold until the BIG ONE comes.

In order to get the BIG ONE, he will have to have an assistant, and tells her to leave her job. Three months later her car is repossessed by the bank, and the BIG ONE is still nowhere in sight. Yet, she continues to harbour her hope that the BIG ONE will soon come their way, while he spends his time playing PS2 hoping that the BIG ONE will soon fall from the sky.

SECOND SCENARIO – LOYALTY

Husband is a 30-something job-hopper. His longest stay in a company is only for a year and a half. In 9 years, he has worked in 6 different companies. None of his colleagues, current or former, can stand him. Yet, he thinks that all the crap at work is caused by his colleagues, no matter where he goes. The wife works in the private sector with a steady income. The husband spends his time in entertainment establishments on the pretext of entertaining clients, and charges back to the company. Then one day, tells the wife that the BIG ONE will be coming soon, therefore he plans to retire and start a business in HER hometown. So, he tells her to ask for a transfer to a branch at her hometown. Being the loyal wife, she does so. The BIG ONE never came, and she is still waiting there while he never goes back during weekends to see her citing tight schedules.

He courts a 20-something woman and for the past 4 years they have been staying together. He also promised to marry her latest by the first quarter of 2010 but has yet to fulfill his promise. Not a breath on it, in fact. Being the loyal girlfriend, thinking that her boyfriend will soon get the BIG ONE, stays with him.

THIRD SCENARIO – THE ECCENTRIC

A 30-something woman meets a guy whom she likes and the guy reciprocates. To show her seriousness in this relationship, she adds his siblings as her social-network website friends. Both she and the boyfriend work in the same line, so both should know how hectic working life can be. This also means that she should know that he would have to spend time with clients and travel to meet them. And every time that he’s busy, she would throw tantrum even threatening him with break-up after break-up, and at one point, even declared to her friends that she had broken up with the boyfriend because he chose to do his work than spend time with her. Not long after, she declared that she was back with him again.

Then came the second crunch – during a long weekend, both wanted to visit their respective relatives. And she gave him another ultimatum to him: choose between visiting her relatives and his, and went male-bashing at the same time drumming up support for her cause. Remember, the boyfriend’s family members are her online friends as well.

They probably are still going out, but as with the two previous cases, who’s the stupid one in this particular case?

This woman probably could not update her Facebook status often enough

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Broadsides on Backsides

This morning we interviewed an applicant for one of our departments in this office. Her lack of knowledge in the job that she has applied for irked us, but her poor command of English irritated me even more. I would have easily forgiven her had she come from the country’s rural backyard, but coming from a reputable school in Kuala Lumpur, with great looking degree from a reputable University (and I mean UNIVERSITY, not one of those institutes that were upgraded so Malaysia could have more universities) I found that nauseating. So, when I purposely provoked her just to see what makes her tick, her English turned into something horrible:

“Why you make me hard, man? This is hard, man! I doesn’t know everything. How I’m going to look for day-to-day chow? Please, man!”

A hard-on on a Friday morning.

Talking about Malaysia’s backyard, we found a page on Facebook that was (and probably still is) being run by a BACKSIDE.

Backside writing

This is an airline’s Facebook page announcing that it had won an award for the best advertisement for the year 2009. Facebook is becoming a very important social networking tool, and as such, many companies are using Facebook as a marketing tool to disseminate information on offers, achievements etc. Mind you, what you post will make a global-level impact. Therefore, the way you write things for the company will tell people worldwide if the company’s employees are professional or otherwise. At first, the writer posted an image of the said advertisement in his/her attempt to make the page have a somewhat daedal layout but the posting is riddled with grammatical errors and repetitions such as the word ‘INITIAL’ which can be found on the first two paragraphs. That, coupled with the inappropriate use of the word ‘DISTURBING’ shows how this person has very limited comprehension of the language, possibly through lack of reading.

There were some comments that touched on the issue but the writer never seemed to understand the implication of bad advertorials. What is more DISTURBING is the fact that it never went through a proof-reading process prior to being published. Maybe the Editor just INITIALed the thing and let it through…which makes two BACKSIDES at least that are working in the Corporate Communications department of that airline.

UTHM's advertorial

I’m sure some of you would remember the above advertorial by one of those colleges that were upgraded to the status of a university. This was posted in this blog some two years ago (SeaDemon’s This The Language English). It is the kind of language that makes you wonder the standard of English that is being taught to our children nowadays. I am not saying that my command of the English language is good, let alone that it’s excellent, but I would think that I have better command than most of the English language teachers that we have here in this country. I have seen the kind of language used by English teachers in Malaysia on their Facebook page, and I find it far from being amusing. Even they think that STUCKED is the past-tense of STUCK, and that some intangible things cannot be quantified – which concept, in my opinion, can be easily grasped had the teacher(s) read more.

Well, I’m sure the odium resulting from this post will come sooner or later from those who think that they fall into the category of BACKSIDES mentioned above, but at least it will keep me amused being STUCKED in this office on a Friday morning.

If only they know what the word ODIUM means…

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16/92

I woke up this morning before 6am to read a text message from one of my former recruits, Sgt Ridzuan (formerly known as Lambirtus bin Hendrikus) from RMAFB Kuantan on the passing of a squadmate of his, Jamiah binti Sardan, in Madinah, Saudi Arabia. She died of complications arising from an advanced stage breast cancer. I don’t remember much of Jamiah because she was among the quieter ones, always minding her own business, but I think I do remember what she looked like 18 years ago. I Googled her name just now and found out that she had sought for advice from other breast-cancer victims; her entry dated 22nd April 2010.

Recruit intake 16/92 was the only recruit intake that I had manage to train from day one until the day they graduated, which is why I can remember most of them, and vice-versa. Wifey witnessed how several approached me, even after more than 15 years of not seeing them. I did not get to witness the graduation of intake 17/93 as I was posted out to take command of the No.107 Squadron in Alor Setar. I was on short attachments to Ipoh for intakes 13/90 and 14/91.

Of course there are those whom I would really remember, either because they were the Block Leaders, or because they were helpful, or because there was something unique about them. For example, Ridzuan’s former name was Lambirtus bin Hendrikus. He hails from Sabah. What was unique about him is the fact that while his whole family were Muslims, he was a Christian, until he converted to Islam in the mid 1990s. His block leader, Kurniawan, was a tall guy from Sipitang. These two were in Alor Setar to do their OJT and with them and a few other airmen, we formed a band until they were posted out. Ridzuan was also a former logger (or lumberjack, if you’re from the States or Canada). And because he was used to retrieving the bodies of other loggers, I roped him in to assist my squadron in the search and recovery of the body of a pilot and of the aircraft wreckage in 1993.

There’s also Rahman Nasir, another block leader, who is a Captain now based in Labuan. He was an athlete and always had this drive for excellence. Upon attaining a degree, he applied to join the Officers Corps and made it to where he is now.

There’s also Ghani, who is still a Corporal for some weird reason. He had unique features, much like the Wayang Kulit character Wak Long So, the instructors under me nicknamed him Phra Kedelik a/l Bah Dol.

Wak Long

I would say Ghani is the most bumped-into of my former recruits, the last was during last year’s Ramadhan when I browsed through the stalls at the Ramadhan Bazaar near my place. I also bumped into several more there – those whose name I cannot remember but they were familiar faces, and they all greeted me first.

Among the female recruits, I had two block leaders: Aida and Azizah. Aida I last saw her when I was still flying in 2000, and she was a technician at the No.10 Squadron, while Azizah I last met at the Strategic Communications Regiment camp in Sungai Buloh, already a Flight Sergeant in 2004. Aida was a silat exponent at national level and I can still remember the sight of her holding one of the male recruits up against the wall by the throat after the latter harassed her.

Then there were the three stooges: Haminah (now a Warrant Officer at the Air Force HQ), Faridah (also a Warrant Officer based in Kuching), and Hasnah (last I heard was in Butterworth). Haminah was the oldest; Faridah’s nickname was (and apparently still is, SENGET), while petite Hasnah’s nickname was KETOT or PENDEK. The former two are Air Quartermasters (stewardesses) while Hasnah became an Air Force cook. And to think that all of them are older than my wife is makes me feel real old.

There’s Fahimah, who is closely associated with the three stooges above. Fahimah’s son goes to the same school as my stepson, Ali. I found out that she saw Wifey and I standing outside the school to see if Ali board’s his school van when school reopened this year. Her husband, also an Air Force personnel, greeted Wifey and I one Sunday morning as we walked towards one of our favourite Mamak joints near our house.

Zilawati (nickname Kupang) was among the youngest and the baby amongst all. I last met her when I was in Alor Setar and did a demonstration freefall jump at the POLIMAS in Jitra, where she was doing her Diploma back in 1994. She had to quit service when she was in Kuantan because she married an officer. Her husband is now posted to Butterworth while she works for a defence-related company there.

There were a lot of non-Malays, be they from Sabah and Sarawak, or from the other races in the Peninsula. Among the female recruits are Jessena Anthony (not sure where she is now although she is in touch with her squadmates), and Chong Sig San (nickname, Ah Moi, for obvious reason) who was also an Air Quartermaster (stewardess) in the No.10 Squadron, but has since left the service. She is now working in the private sector in my former place of residence in Sungai Buloh.

There’s also Latifah Abdul Wahab, whom I think is a Flight Sergeant now, and is now at the Jugra base. What is unique about her is her love for cooking. So during her intake’s final jungle exercise, I assigned her to our Tactical HQ as our cook. And cook she did. She made about 5 types of dishes using the same ingredients 5 times a day throughout the week-long exercise, so I recommended her to become a cook. She also did her OJT in Alor Setar when I was there, and then she went to ITM (now University ITM) to do her Diploma in Hotel and Catering.

18 years ago they graduated from the Recruit Training Center – the same week that I got promoted and my daughter, Farhanah, was born, and in 3 years time they will all leave the service, except for those whom are now commissioned officers. And I am glad I am still friends and in touch with most of them. Of course there have been some that have left the service, but most of them are still there.

Intake 16/92 had their first impromptu reunion recently, and although I was invited to attend, I could not as I was warded at the National Heart Institute for a recurring old problem. I hope to attend their next reunion. Ridzuan updates me frequently on their status, so I have no problems keeping track of them.

Oh, Ridzuan had a nickname too!

BULAT.

Recruits Intake 16/92 with their Instructors and I
Recruits Intake 16/92 with the instructors and I (seated second row 9th from left)

Intake 16/92's Reunion 8th May 2010
Intake 16/92’s Recent Union on 8th May 2010. Haminah is seated left most, seated right most is Zilawati and next to her in blue is Chong Sig San

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Mad Sailor

Do you get annoyed when you hear people who have bad command of the English language attempt to speak English with an accent that’s neither English nor American? I cringe every time I hear someone utters the words ‘VEGETABLE‘ (pronounced VARE-GEE-TAY-BUHL) and ‘ELEPHANT‘ (pronounced ALLEY-F-ANT (as in SEMUT), and any other mispronounced simple word.

Yesterday evening as I drove to pick up my wife from the office, I was tuned in to this radio station that offered the Album of the Week to the person who could spell certain words correctly. Then there was this caller who spoke with an accent that no mat sallehs would use, and it annoyed me like hell. When the DJ asked her to spell the word ANTAGONIST her reaction was:

“WAT?”

Did you notice the absent ‘H’ above? Yes, suddenly, she spoke perfect Manglish. And the DJ repeated the word ANTAGONIST again.

“Oh no! Errr…U-N-T-O-G-A-N-I-S-T”

Not wanting to self-flagellate any further, I quickly changed the station…

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One

Just the other day as I was having dinner with Wifey at a mall near our place, in walked a couple whom I presumed to be lecturers at a nearby college. One is Caucasian man, the other a local woman of Indian descent. The Caucasian man asked about Malaysia and its people, and the Malaysian lady tried her best to explain the “melting pot concept of the people of Malaysia and especially so, its gastronomical delights. The man later remarked how well-blended everything and everyone is here in Malaysia whereas in the United States, for you to see the African-Americans in the Bronx, and Asian-Americans, you’d probably have to go to Queens; the Jews in Manhattan, and the Whites probably on Staten Island.

I smiled to myself, half-proud being a Malaysian to hear such a remark. Half-proud because while what was mentioned is true, we Malaysians still behave as if we all come from different countries. In KL at least, we all eat by the respective ethnic groups, we only mingle in the office but after that I’m a Malay and you’re a Chinese while he is an Indian, and that blur one who keeps getting lost on the roads just came from either Sabah or Sarawak. As I have written before, the nation and its people were so much cohesive just two years after the race riots of 1969 and this continued to hold true until the early 1980s. After that, race relations seem to be under a malediction.

I put the blame on the politicians (from all political parties) who continue to sow seeds of hatred and racism amongst the population, and the religious zealots and bigots who are Puritan in nature and are always unhappy when others are. And believe what you want and support what you may, all right-wing organisations should be abolished and never allowed to exist – and PERKASA has to be the first one to go.

I, who was brought up to consider other Malaysians as brothers, can only continue to wonder if the brother who is not a Malay would consider me as his brother too, or other Malays would consider others as his Malaysian brother, or would those monsters called hatred and racism rear their head somewhere when the time is right?

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Is It Good Now That Everyone Can Fly?

My first commercial flight I think was from KUL (now SZB) – MKZ and then onto JHB. That was in 1974. Yes, they used to fly to Melaka (Batu Berendam) too those days. Going on a plane used to be a big thing that some people would even go to the tailor to make a suit just for the purpose of going on a flight to somewhere, even a short haul one. And I remember Malaysia Airlines System (now Malaysia Airlines) used to give away blue sling bags with the old red WAU logo – ones you could fit in a nightstop kit plus some clothes. I used to use them as my schoolbag and my classmates would look at the bag with awe. Those days too you could take away the in-flight meal. I don’t remember what they used to serve back then but I know it was something delicious. Even back in the 1980s people would still dress up to get on a flight, and I wore a three-piece suit when I went off to England after the SPM exams.

Then came Richard Branson and Virgin Airlines. And it was so much cheaper to cross the Atlantic. Soon, the dress code was done away with and everyone could fly. And with the advent of Air Asia, everyone truly could fly…albeit virtually everyone.

Air Asia at a point of time did not have seat numbering and you could sit anywhere you liked. But with security issues becoming more serious, and to ensure passengers queued in a more orderly manner, they introduced the seat-numbering system, and with that, introduced hot seats where they could charge passengers for those seats for a fairly bit more.

Wifey and I were on an Air Asia flight very recently, flying back to KL. When the announcement came on air that the plane that was to take us back to KL had just landed, the passengers rushed to queue. For the life of me I have no frigging idea why. The plane was still going to take-off whenever it was ready, and each passenger is assigned a seat. So, why the rush? I guess since everyone could fly, it also means that every idiot with enough money to book a seat could get on board too! Or, is it just a Malaysian thing to rush?

Once we were seated, these passengers seated across the aisle were like first timers on a plane. When the purser announced that it was a no-smoking flight and that the use of mobile phones is prohibited, the man got his phone out and made a call. Then, both of them (they were husband and wife, apparently travelling in a family group) got up to change seats once the safety demonstration was completed. First, the husband got up and found an empty seat in the forward section. The wife looked worried being left behind, rushed to the rear section to find an empty seat nearer to her kinsfolk. As the aircraft taxied to the runway, she rushed to her husband to pass him his bottle of mineral water. The husband never wore his seat belt because as the engine was powered up for takeoff, I saw him got up half way to signal something to his wife, or to one of his relatives behind us.

Once the aircraft was in the air, and even before the seat-belt sign was switched off, one of them rushed to the washroom forward.

Then when we were already at cruising altitude, another man got up from his seat, and sat in the seat where the couple originally sat. He put up all the arm rests, and lie down to sleep. But sleep he did not. A little later, he got up and opened the overhead compartment to get his carry-on luggage, took out a book, got back to the seat and started reading.

Then, there was the sound of a bird chirping. Apparently, three rows in front of me, a guy was playing with his PSP. I’m sure he could have used an earphone, or turned down the volume, but he did neither. Dinner was soon served, and once that was over, everyone of us was in the mood to catch a nap as we were still two hours away from our destination.

Soon, the man who was reading the book got up again and went for his carry-on luggage. This time he took out this little bristle so he could brush his teeth while reading the frigging book. The act of brushing and flossing was coupled with the hissing sound of him trying to suck out food fragments from between his teeth or inside his cavities.

I fell asleep, but not for long, when one of the kinsfolk of the couple mentioned started to talk and joked in the most annoying and coarse voice that reverberated inside the cabin. This went on for almost another minute more when a very annoyed Wifey, whose sleep was disturbed, did the loudest

“SHHHHHHHHH!”

Then the cabin fell quiet again.

And that chirping sound came on again. Bloody annoying, but I was already too tired by then to pay any attention.

Somehow, one can never be in a deep sleep as one could when not everyone could fly. The guy who brushed his teeth while reading his book got up again, kicked my foot in the process, went for his carry-on luggage again and got something else out. I shut my eyes again.

Did I get to sleep? No! Soon, I heard the sound of someone shuffling on his seat. Apparently, the guy, whose ass was on seat ‘C’, was leaning against the window next to seat ‘A’ and was pulling a piece of cloth from his ear! He looked at the already yellow tip of the cloth, and stuffed it into his shirt’s pocket. And he took out the bristle from the same pocket and brushed his teeth again. I thought only Mr Bean would be capable of something like that.

Soon, it was time for us to land. In preparation, the purser told all passengers to put their seat upright, tray tables secured, and to turn off all electronic equipment. Then, the cabin lights were dimmed for landing.

Then, that chirping came on again. I saw a faint glow emitted from the seat three rows in front of me. I suppose while everyone could fly, not everyone understood either English or Malay, even though they are Malaysians.

The plane continued to dive on finals, and at the last moment, the engines were throttled back, and the aircraft flared, bringing it into the nose-up position. Everything fell silent while we waited for the undercarriages to touchdown onto the runway.

Then, the undercarriages touched down. Simultaneously, a woman’ exclaimed, breaking the deafening silence:

“MA HAI CHEE BYE!”

I remember how hard I tried to control myself from bursting out laughing. Wifey was already in tears controlling herself from laughing out loud.

The plane soon slowed down and taxied to the parking apron.

And the idiotic chirping never stopped…

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The Sister I Thought I Never Had

I’ve been wanting to write this…since more than a year now.

Coming from a family of four (originally it was five until my elder sister, second in the family, passed away), one would think that we siblings talk to and confide in each other. Well, no. The only sibling I am in contact with is my brother, who is more or less in the same boat with me as far as family matters are concerned.

There were several moments in life when the only other sibling I would talk to is my deceased sister, whose grave is located behind my current office building. Therefore, she is close by in a weird way. If I needed to let things off my chest, or even cry for no reason, I would go to her grave because she would be the only sister whom I could talk to and not get any negative response in return.

I have another sister – long before Wifey and I got married. I only saw her commenting on Wifey’s blog three years ago, and as my relationship with Wifey grew, so did my relationship with her. And when I finally got to meet her at the airport last year a week before our wedding, it was like meeting a sister whom I have not met for a long, long time. She’s fun, she’s crazy, and quite a character – and I’d say the same about her husband. And in the short two weeks that she was back here last year, all I know is that I absolutely love these two crazy characters…fluorescent lime green phone skins, equally fluorescent luggage.

And I miss this sister of mine. I would love to be able to fly them back here at least twice in a year, but I don’t know how possible that would be.

I just want her (and her husband) to know how much Wifey and I miss them. It is always fun to be crazy.

Take good care of yourself, sis.

My sister-in-law, Nazra, with Milo on her head