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My Missing Childhood

I had trouble making my mind up on what to have for dinner last night. The kind of food that I had in mind included Satay, Roti Canai, Char Kuey Teow, and either a Big Mac from Son of Donald’s, or a Whopper. In the end, I settled for something that wasn’t on the list: KFC’s Snack Plate and Cheesy Wedges.

Sitting at the KFC outlet with Wifey, I mentioned to her that prior to going abroad to further my studies, I only had less than 5 visits to a KFC outlet (I left Malaysia in 1983, and McDonald’s only came to Malaysia in 1984).

If my memory serves me right, I only had my first roti canai when I was 10. And that was on one of the days the driver (arwah Pakcik Ramli – he passed away from a heart attack after my father’s retirement in 1994) picked me up from school, and we went to this restaurant called Yusof Restaurant along Jalan Masjid India – I think mainly because the waitresses were good looking, more than anything else. I was able to whack like 5 rotis canai in one sitting, something that would be a mammoth of a task for me these days. My personal record remains at 8 rotis canai – when I was in Form Two.

I can’t remember when, during my childhood years, did we ever go out for meals as a family. I mean, just us, as a family, without my father’s friends and their family. I remember when I was 7 or 8, we would frequent the Medan Selera in Section 14 PJ (where the Digital Mall and food court are now), but those trips were always made with family friends. It’s only after my father had retired from the police force, that all of us, go out for meals together…siblings, parents and all. By that time, I already have 2 kids while my elder sister, 3.

I had my first Japanese food when I was 16. And that was at the Federal Hotel. My favourites then were Tempura, Sashimi and Chawanmushi. Nowadays my Japanese menu is much more elaborate.

Well, at least I’m learning to eat lots of stuff I’ve never had, now that I’m married to Wifey.

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Star Whores: The Clone Whores and the Cloned

This world is filled with posers.

Millions of them.

They go around claiming that they are who they aren’t, and the effort they put into believing their own lie(s) is unbelievable.

I have met some. And they are funny. For the record, I went to the North Pole with 22 others (16 were skydivers, 4 were from TV3 while the other 3 were support staff such as a doctor, media relations, and an administrator) back in 1998. Obviously I would know who my team mates were. Then there were those who went to the media some years later with our pictures, running their story and giving those pictures as theirs, claiming they were part of the team. I had to issue letters to the respective editors denying that they were ever part of my team but those letters never got printed because it would mean the editors were stupid for not editing the story.

Then came the story of people who claim they went to the South Pole when they never did. One guy, happily interviewed by the press for being part of an expedition to Antarctica claimed to be the first Malaysian to ever reach the geographical South Pole. All he did was stood on the edge of Antarctica where South Africa had control over. Then a group of people claimed they were at the South Pole when they were some 1800 kilometers away, on the Antarctic continent. These people should be ashamed of themselves as they were from a group that are supposed to be the best at map reading.

Then there was a guy who claimed to be an ex-navy commando, when all he really is is a former signal apprentice at the Armed Forces Apprentice Training School. Another I met, claim that he teaches commandos how to dive rebreathers when he himself cannot explain the parts and mechanism of a Draeger Dolphin semi-closed rebreather, let alone a LAR-V CCOBA rebreather.

Another person I know, keeps claiming that he is doing millions of jobs for various government and private agencies, events and what-nots; but at the same time beg for a job at his/her former workplace. Then, when the job has been secured, tell people that going back there was of the last choice, and only because people begged the person to return to that office.

I also met a guy who claimed he knows me well. Sat with him for tea, and I asked him if he could help introduce me to myself so I could pass my gun license application form to the me he knows. So, he went on and on about how he and I have been close since before we were born and all that. You should have seen the look on his face when I told him who I am.

But this incident beats them all: I met the person who impersonated me.

This person, whose name differ slightly to mine, but with the same father’s name, went around conning people to buy pieces of land. Some people fell for the trick. So, one day, an old acquaintance I met asked me if I was into real estates. Me? Real estates? Apparently this guy knows of a victim personally. So, I demanded that I meet the victim. The victim, a Dato’, was surprised to see that the eldest son of my father looks so much different to the eldest son of my father who conned him.

So, I set a trap. I went to meet my clone. And at that meeting, he gave me his name card – his middle name was RAHIM. Went on and on about this piece of land that I should buy. Again, you should have seen the look on his face when I showed him my driver’s license.

And don’t ask me if this guy is still alive or otherwise.

The morale of this story is: we should all expose these clone whores before they turn into stars.

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Kampung Punya Anak Haram

Aku ada habit, turun-temurun dari zaman askar dulu:

BERAK AT LEAST DUA KALI SEHARI.

Jadinya, on my second passing of the motion, aku pun bergegas la ke toilet yang kitorang share dengan office seberang lift lobby dari office kitorang. Kena pulak banyak betul cili padi aku bantai dengan wantan noodle soup masa lunch…dibantu-cerna oleh sepotong betik yang aku dapat free sebagai sebahagian dari lunch package aku.

Aku masuk aje restroom tu, ada sorang mamat ni, staff baru dari office seberang tu baru selesai buat apa yang patut. Aku tengok kasut dia basah. Aku pandang dia sekali imbas aje sebab kepala taik dah nak keluar. Ada 4 booths kesemuanya. Dua ada paip air, dua lagi hanya sekadar berbekalkan tisu bergulung-gulung untuk mereka-mereka yang gemar beristinja’ walaupun tidak beragama Islam. Yang ada paip satu lagi tu ada orang.

Lantas aku pun bergegas masuk yang satu lagi yang ada paip ni. Aku terbau sesuatu yang kurang menyenangkan. Aku tengok seat toilet, penuh dengan bekas kasut. Lepas tu dalam tu ada la satu ketul taik besar lengan sepanjang hampir 2 kaki, berlingkar dalam toilet bowl tersebut. Atas lantai simen tu basah dan ada cebisan khazanah-khazanah yang boleh digunakan di kebun-kebun sayur-sayuran untuk menambahkan hasil tuaian.

“Pukinenek mamat ni!

Menyirap darah aku. Aku pusing kat mamat tadi tu yang tengah menyikat rambut.

“Kau berak sini ke tadi???” tanya aku dalam nada berang di enhance pula oleh penahanan-keluar kepala taik tadi.

“A’ah,” jawab mamat kampung ni tadi.

“Lain kali berak duduk la! Kau ingat ni kat sungai belakang rumah kau kat kampung ke, bangang!” tempik aku kat mamat ni tadi.

Dengan menundukkan kepala, beliau bergegas untuk keluar dari restroom; tetapi sempat aku tempik lagi

“Haram jadah punya bahalol!”

Lantas budak tadi pun menghilangkan diri dengan kadar segera sambil berkali-kali berkata, “Sorry, bang! Sorry, bang!”.

Maka terpaksalah aku beristinja’ jua jawabnya.

Khazanah Nasional

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In God’s Grace

A junior of Wifey’s, Siti Marlina binti Zainal (STF 89-93), returned to God’s grace on Monday 6th July 2009, after a 5-year battle with breast cancer. I left a comment on her final posting to inform her readers that she is no longer with us.

For all you ladies, and husbands, do read her blog, and an article she wrote on her earlier battle.

The Sky Is Red

Radiology Malaysia – I Lost My Breast But Not Everything Else!

And do say prayers for her, and for the family she’s left behind.

The late Siti Marlina - pic courtesy of Radiology Malaysia

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As I Turn 43

Here I am, in Miri.

It is 1.07am on my 43rd birthday. I fell asleep for a while just now but woke up when I remembered I had not taken my medicines. In a little over 7 hours, I will be going to the yard to give a speech on behalf of the company and launch our latest vessel.

And I feel contented.

I feel contented because I feel I’ve done it right this time around; I feel contented because I now have someone very special in my life; someone who is truly a wife.

I feel contented because I have four lovely children, and in addition to that, I have three lovely step-children.

I now have one great sister-in-law (plus her crazy but fun hubby), two great brothers-in-law.

I also have very close friends who are also part of my ‘other’ family.

And I have a great brother, and cousins.

And I have me…a new me…whose total cholesterol, blood glucose and blood pressure levels are within good range.

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Blame It On The A..A..A..A..A..Ass

Okay. I’m at the Pavilion now and Wifey’s out there somewhere browsing through women’s stuff while I do the D here inside Parkson’s toilet booth. It’s nice in here. It smells nice unlike the ones out there that a million people would be shittin’ in everyday. Despite my crap being runny due to last night’s dinner sambal, I can hardly smell anything funny.

So, if you’re here in the future and suddenly have the urge to poo, I’d expect you’d already know what to do.

Parkson – a great department store with nice smelling toilets.

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Ben – My MJ Experience

Ben, the two of us need look no more
We both found what we were looking for
With a friend to call my own
I’ll never be alone
And you, my friend, will see
You’ve got a friend in me

I grew up listening to that song, Ben, that was released when I was 6 years old. I never really understood the meaning of that song, and had never bothered to find out either.

I was never a fan of Michael Jackson’s. But along my life’s timeline, there was always an MJ influence here and there. The album Off The Wall (released 1979) had some memorable tunes in there that I still listen to up ’til now, and especially Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough. That was the song I listened to when our family took a drive up to Penang during one of the school holidays in early 1980. That year, a single of a song that is still one of my MJ favourites was released – Heartbreak Hotel. I listen to it still as I drive to work. Then, of course there was the all time hit album Thriller (released in 1982), and the songs in there were like on the charts even when I went off to England to further my studies in 1983. The ever-so-famous Moonwalk inspired lots of youngsters in my Bletchley neighbourhood to imitate MJ’s every move. Bad was released in 1987 when I was in the Air Force, Dangerous in 1991 when Air Force colleagues and I would frequent a pub called Traffic Lights in Damansara Utama, and then the Life Center in Kuala Lumpur to follow a band called Cash Band that had Black or White in their repertoire. After HIStory, I stopped listening to MJ except for his old songs because I thought that the album was more personal than anything else. Nevertheless, I enjoyed You Are Not Alone.

Then of course there were the scandals that plagued him. I regarded those as opportunists taking advantage of his wealth, trying to make quick bucks. However, although he was acquitted, I don’t think he ever recovered from those vicious attacks, his victories were very Pyrrhic in nature. He became the subject of bad jokes and scathing attacks from various quarters. And no matter that his looks and character fluctuated between the sublime and the ridiculous, MJ had always been Ben to millions of his supporters.

And yesterday, 26th June 2009 at approximately 4.00am Malaysian time (25th June 2009 in LA), Ben left the world, where half its population regarded him as a freak, and the other half that have always loved him, for good. It is easy to ridicule a person because it is far easier to forget the good deeds he had done for the world, the hopes he had brought to many in despair. It is always easier to make fun of others because it is only human to feel great when stepping on others.

And now Ben is gone. And as mentioned, I was never a fan of his, he will always be that Ben, to me, and to million others.

Ben, most people would turn you away
I don’t listen to a word they say
They don’t see you as I do
I wish they would try to
I’m sure they’d think again
If they had a friend like Ben
(a friend) Like Ben
(like Ben) Like Ben

There will never be another friend to the world like Ben.

Rest In Peace, finally, Michael Joseph Jackson.

Ben - from Jensenbrazil's site

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The Pau That Almost Killed Me

I don’t remember which month of 1978 it was, or why had we all gone back to my dad’s hometown in Teluk Intan. All I remember about that trip was that night, I anxiously waited for my grand-uncle, Tok Ali, who really is a lot younger than my father is, to take me on his motorbike to tour the town and the banks of the Perak River. I remember asking him about the lights on the other side of the wide river.

“Sitiawan.”

Little did I know some 8 years later I would be riding a motorbike myself through the oil palm trees of that area to discover that Sitiawan would be some 40 kilometers to the north, and I was smack bang in a place called Ulu Dedap. It was really ulu then.

The next day, we left for home, but not before telling the driver of the craving for Tanjung Malim’s famous pau; therefore, a pit stop at Tanjung Malim became mandatory for that trip.

However, just after we passed Behrang, the front and rear tyres on the right exploded and the car careened. I remember the driver, the late Pakcik Ramli, push me down to the backrest (I was seated in front), and my elder sister and the maids were screaming in the backseat. Pakcik Ramli swerved the car towards an embankment in an attempt to stop the car from going into a ravine ahead of us. The car hit the embankment at around 110km/h, rolled up the embankment on its side twice, before rolling back down, landing on its tyres.

Then, everything was quiet for a while.

I came to a while later and realised I was in the rear section of the car. Everyone else were still. There was blood trickling down my face. I wiped it off and realised it wasn’t mine. I also heard the engine was hissing (or could that have been my hearing due to the loud bang). The first thing I did was to escape but I couldn’t open any of the doors. I didn’t even realise I was barefooted when I kicked the already cracked windscreen and escaped through it. I stood outside the front of the car and looked at it.

Plantation workers rushed to the scene, and some cars that were passing-by did too. Moments later, the police escorts that were escorting at the rear of my father’s car also turned back to help. One plantation worker stopped to ask me,

“Adik nampak tak accident tu? Apa jadi?”

WTF? I had blood on my head and he could ask me if I had witnessed the accident.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, all those inside the car were taken to the Tanjung Malim District Hospital before they were transferred to the Kuala Lumpur General Hospital.

As for me, the police escorts took me to have my Yik Mun pau before rushing me to the KLGH on my father’s orders. I escaped only with a few bruises, although I remember how my body ached the next day.

Four days ago, I took Wifey to Yik Mun for some pau and Hailam noodles. Oh, the car I was in when the accident happened? It was a Volvo. That’s probably why we all survived the crash.

They now have a website

Inside the Beef Curry pau

Hailam Noodles - love the taste

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I Cannot Write Funny Stuff

But I would like to have Schrödinger’s cat. Or something similar.

Maybe a Schrödinger’s 250-gram-Medium-Well-Tenderloin-Steak. As in the case of the Schrödinger’s cat this would be an imaginary steak that I would put onto a plate for my dinner. If I feel full after doing that, then the steak would have been eaten. If I still feel hungry, then it would mean that the steak is still on the plate, untouched. Okay, let’s stop talking about quantum mechanics for a while. I actually feel hungry right now and I blame it on El Nino. It has caused the weather to be very hot that I have been drinking a lot and without the mood to eat anything. Now, at almost midnight, I feel very hungry.

Wifey tagged me early today after she was tagged by her friend, DNAS. The rules of this tag is as follows:

o Write five (5) interesting facts about the person who gave you this award.
o Jot down ten (10) interesting facts about yourself or your hobbies.
o Pick your ten (10 or less) most deserving recipients and describe them.
o Leave a comment on the recipients’ blog to tell them they’ve been tagged.
o Paste the award badge in your sidebar. (This I cannot do. I am NOT on Blogspot.)
o Have fun

This was what Wifey wrote about me:

The Diver – aka John F Seademon, aka The Demon, aka my beloved hubby. Fresh out of my divorce, I bumped into his blog, and it was the first time that I actually CRIED reading some guy’s blog. Cheh. He’s an excellent writer, funny and witty and ridiculously smart. I envy him. And he has a memory of an elephant.

Part One – The 5 Interesting Things About Wifey

1. She’s a superb cook. Cooking is a therapy for her. A disaster for me. I will always find it difficult to resist eating her cooking because of two reasons: a) they are always good, 2) she’d sulk if I didn’t touch her cooking.

2. She writes very well. I always tell her that she writes better than I do, but she would always insist that it is the other way round. Her writings are much more articulated than mine are. I may have lots of ideas to pen, but when it comes to actually writing them, Wifey beats me hands down.

3. She’s a “brand” person…besides being a “branding” person. She knows her brands. I only know Brand’s Essence of Chicken.

4. When I first dated her, she was known as an anti-outdoorsey. You will never catch her doing stuff outside. When we first planned to go to an island back in May 2008, she would whine about the fact that she hated the sea, and that the sea would spoil her hair. When I came back from my first dive of the trip, she was missing, and there was no way I could go back to the room.

Guess where she went?

Snorkeling.

10 months later she did her first scuba dive.

5. Whenever the alarm goes off in the morning, she put it on snooze, turn to face me, and hug me in her sleep. We’d always be late for work.

Part Two – 10 Interesting Facts About Me

How can anything be interesting about me?

1. I started this blog so that it could be a journal for my dive trips. I write more on other things than I actually do on diving.

2. I was trained to kill, but I can cry watching America’s Got Talent. Crap!

3. I write better when I am sitting on the porcelain throne. As crap gets dumped, more crap gets churned out inside my head.

4. Since I started working, I have worked in an airline, the air force, the security industry, the telecommunications sector, underwater, and as at present, the oil and gas industry.

5. I like to read anything that has to do with history, current affairs, space exploration…basically anything non-fiction that has to do with those mentioned topics.

6. I have been to the North Pole back in 1998.

7. I was the first person to organise and perform a BASE-jump in Malaysia.

8. I still cannot believe I am married to Wifey. She had the hots for my father when I got to know of her.

9. I have a nickname for each of my children given based on some weird thing or event.

10. I love to drive fast. Period.

Part 3 – And The Award Goes To:

1. Wifey – the rule did not say that I cannot tag the person who tagged me. But I love this woman very much. (Kena bodek…malam-malam nak pakai, bhai!)

2. Aiz – I met her the first time during Burger Night. She may be the ultimate drama queen (aren’t all Srikandis are?) but I love hr blog.

3. DNAS – Minah yang seemingly garang except when she’s baking cupcakes. It’s hard to believe that she is actually in the IT-sector.

4. Mat Gebu – this mysterious person, whom I . through deductive reasoning, think lives somewhere in Johor, and lives to cook. He seems to be a very good cook, a very creative person, and is the source of my midnight hunger pangs. I would love to meet this guy.

5. Mocha – a dive buddy of mine who is now on his final leg of his tour in the army.

So guys, please copy this image and put it on your side bar.

award

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Six Months Into The Year

Do you know that porn websites are the biggest culprits in spreading viruses to your computer? Imagine watching Pamela Anderson blow Tommy Lee and suddenly your computer has the cyberspace version of an STD.

Seriously, I don’t know what to write about. I sometimes think that I have lost my ability to write freely since having to write things structurally…like project papers, or briefs, or management reports and so on. Ever since my return from Tioman last Wednesday, I have been asked by my boss to prepare a management report for the Board of Directors meeting due in over a week, I have to prepare an organisational chart, as well as basis for posts, and job descriptions for the senior managements and executives of a subsidiary; I have been given this 3-inch thick Invitation To Bid, to study the technical specifications of the vessels required by this bid, and HUNT for the vessels required; I have been asked to coordinate with other departments and subsidiaries, as well as sister companies for the upcoming Oil & Gas Asia 2009 exhibition come Wednesday. On top of that, I have to identify the courses I have to attend that are relevant to what I am doing; I have to negotiate with shipyards, shipbuilders, as well as ships’ brokers; and do my day to day job of managing the operations of the company and its assets.

I seriously wish I could clone myself.

Ever since coming back from my BOSIET-course, my boss has made plans for me: to not only be the Operations Manager as what I now am, but also THE Corporate HSE Manager (BOSIET stands for Basic Offshore Safety Induction and Emergency Training). And all this because when applying for my BOSIET course, I insisted on going for the OPITO and OLF-approved one (OPITO is the Offshore Petroleum Industry Training Organization based in the UK while OLF is Oljearbeidernes Fellessammenslutning, or the Norwegian Oil Industry Association), simply because I want whatever I do to be recognised globally, and not just by the national oil company. Soon, I’ll be doing courses like NEBOSH, Major Emergencies Assessment for Offshore Installation Managers, HSE Auditor and, last but not least, Accidents Investigations. No, I am not positioning myself as a Rig Manager-to-be, but just so that it would add value to the company, and our blue-eyed-blond-haired drilling partners would not have any holes to squirm through just so that they can dismiss their brown-skinned partners as inferior beings. Most importantly, the qualifications would enable me to do my job better whenever I am required to “visit” any of our rigs or vessels.

I will still find time to do what I love most – being underwater; and apart from the occasional visits to the rigs and vessels, I will still not be required to stay back late in the office.

I may have more than tons to do now compared to what it was like half a year ago; but receiving my bonus after only a month and a half of being with the company, and my recent 25 33 percent pay hike, probably means the company, or at least my boss, recognises me for my abilities and capabilities.

And best of all, I still get to spend time with my family daily…and go diving during my free time.