SeaDemon Says

It’s 3.21am, it’s been raining heavily outside for the past hour or so, and I am here typing away as I sit on the porcelain throne.

As I walked into this bathroom, and saw the reflection of my butt in the mirror, I thought to myself,

“How could man land on the surface of the moon 40 years ago, using only a 32k computer on board?”

You tell me.

Martin Luther King Jr once said:

“I have a dream!”

Of course, he was shot dead and his actual dream had died with him. Well, no one really knows what were those dreams that he had…the ones he never mentioned. And one witty sarcasm would sound something like:

“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”

If you look at the title closely, the first letter of each word resembles a familiar acronym to many people in Johor…or maybe not: IIB. And why not? Because I think that this whole idea of the Iskandar Malaysia region is a stupid one. Maybe not totally, but stupid nevertheless. I’m not going to do analysis after analysis etc etc when I read this because I am going to write this as how I see it, and as how I feel about it. One thing that you have to remember throughout this posting is that ISKANDAR MALAYSIA IS NOT MADE TO COMPETE WITH SINGAPORE, BUT TO COMPLEMENT IT IN THE WAY SHENZHEN COMPLEMENTS HONG KONG.

The core of the Iskandar Malaysia region right now is what is known as Nusajaya – a piece of land owned by UEM that has been developed into landed properties. That project began long before my father was part of UEM (this was like back in the mid 1990s), and made its first sales two decades after it started. I mean, who in the right mind would want to move to JB? Personally, I wouldn’t mind going there once in a while to eat – food’s good but getting more expensive nowadays (a glass of Teh O panas in DUNGU Bay costs RM2.00). But unless I have a real reason to move there, I wouldn’t give it a thought. My only reason for wanting to relocate there last year was because the company that Wifey worked for then, moved there from KL. They bought several shoplots at DUNGU Bay, moved everyone there, then maintained the KL office so they can have meetings with clients there. Therefore, they spend like 3-4 days in KL having meetings with clients and investors. They leave for KL on a Friday, spend the weekend in KL, then conduct meetings in KL on Mondays through Wednesdays, then work in their JB office on Thursdays, and the whole cycle starts again Fridays. So, imagine having to move your family to JB, then you spend more than half a week in KL having meetings. They should just shut down the KL office and get their potential investors to stay and have meetings in JB. After all, the products they plan to sell are in JB.

Apart from the announcement of Legoland wanting to operate in IM, nothing else have actually taken off. And why Legoland? Who on earth would want to go and play with Legos there? The new state administrative center located there is causing civil servants to complain. Previously, they didn’t have to travel far to work. Now not only do they have to leave home earlier, they even have to pay toll to get to work. Unlike Putrajaya, I don’t think there are any quarters there for the peasants working for the state government.

The whole idea of Iskandar Malaysia is to have one huge development project in an area of 2,217-sq km. Initially, there was to be a monorail system or something that would run from the eastern side of south Johor, to the west. That’s over 100km long. But of course, that, and the fact that there is a glut of office space, houses as well as abandoned housing projects, in that region, don’t seem to worry those people at IIB/IRDA at all. Back in 2007, they planned to have 13 million people housed in the IM by 2025. The whole of Malaya, in 1957, only had about 7.3 million people in it. 43 years later, it only had about 23.27 million people. That’s a growth of 15.97 million people over 43 years, or roughly an annual increase in population by 371,400 per annum. The whole state of Johor only had 2.7 million inhabitants in 2000. Even with that kind of proximity to Singapore, Johor still has problems getting people to move there for good – unless they come from Johor and have been working in KL, and would like to retire there. So, how on earth does IIB/IRDA plan to have an exodus of 13 million people (more than half the population of Malaysia now) to the IM region? Even KL with a population of more than a million cannot create enough volume for its mass rail transit systems to make money; what more having a rail system that runs more than a hundred kilometers within the IM?

Then there was this idea to turn IM into a medical hub, more for recovering and recuperating surgery patients etc from Singapore to rest and get proper medical care. So I’m in Singapore, they cut up. Then, instead of pushing me into the recovery room, they put me into this luxurious ambulance and transfer me across the Gelang Patah-Tuas link (Second Link), into a hospital located within the IM. How absurd is that? Here I am just stapled back into one piece (just), and I’m being wheeled here and there, and having to go through the (probably better than the normal) Immigration and Customs processes, from one country to another, to recover from the surgery. The only thing I may have to declare by the time I get to the Malaysian Customs complex is that I died during the transfer. Imagine also the hassle for my family members to go and visit me everyday. Toll, Immigration, Customs, traffic jam etc. Well, I don’t suppose they would build hospitals in IM to compete with Singapore as competing with Singapore was never the idea for having IM in the first place.

Then, there is this rebranding exercise of JB. IIB bought over DUNGU City Mall that was left empty for quite a long while, and plans to buy the Kotaraya Complex and turn it into an upmarket shopping mall, catering for high-end products probably like what The Gardens is to MidValley in KL. The Kotaraya complex has always been THE center for el-cheapo stuff, mainly for the malay population of both Johor and Singapore. On the other end would be Plaza Angsana due to its proximity to the Second Link. I suppose IIB has not learnt the lessons of the JB Waterfront City project that was abandoned in 2003. Some smart alec thought that having a floating city in front of JB would be a good idea, and the JB Waterfront City was to be its precursor. What they didn’t realise was that JB people needed a floating city as much as they would like to have a hole through their head. Now all that remains of this floating city are dozens of piles that were driven into the seabed that remain to this day as another blight on the JB seafront.

They should also learn that Singaporeans throng JB to buy cheap goods at Giant, Tesco, Carrefour, Extra etc. And if they want to buy stuff like Gucci, Coach and what-nots, they’ll go to Holiday Plaza. Now, that is one shopping mall that does not need rebranding to stay alive. It has been there since 1985, and probably named so because it was built next to what was the Holiday Inn Johor Bahru. That hotel has since changed its management and name, but Holiday Plaza is a brand in itself. If you look at its neon signage, it has old school disco font. Ask any el-cheapo shoppers almost anywhere from the central to southern part of Malaysia (and even Singapore) and the name Holiday Plaza would be the first thing on their mind. Reputation builds brands. Therefore, Kotaraya, Angsana and Holiday Plaza, all have their own brand and brand name. Efforts to re-brand them into something else would, in my opinion, end up disastrously.

I can go on and on about IM, there’s almost no end to it. Development is all about explosion. It explodes outwards, grow in strength, where one development creates satellite developments, much like KL, PJ, Shah Alam. It expands when it is saturated. You do not implode and call that development. There is no sense creating infrastructure when you cannot have the kind of saturation and volume you need to sustain that development. I don’t have to be an urban planner or an economist to know that. That is why it is called DEVELOPment.

Oh, and of IM complementing Singapore much like Shenzhen complementing Hong Kong, remember, in the end, Shenzhen and Hong Kong are in one country. Two different countries never complement each other. They always compete.

This world is filled with posers.

Millions of them.

They go around claiming that they are who they aren’t, and the effort they put into believing their own lie(s) is unbelievable.

I have met some. And they are funny. For the record, I went to the North Pole with 22 others (16 were skydivers, 4 were from TV3 while the other 3 were support staff such as a doctor, media relations, and an administrator) back in 1998. Obviously I would know who my team mates were. Then there were those who went to the media some years later with our pictures, running their story and giving those pictures as theirs, claiming they were part of the team. I had to issue letters to the respective editors denying that they were ever part of my team but those letters never got printed because it would mean the editors were stupid for not editing the story.

Then came the story of people who claim they went to the South Pole when they never did. One guy, happily interviewed by the press for being part of an expedition to Antarctica claimed to be the first Malaysian to ever reach the geographical South Pole. All he did was stood on the edge of Antarctica where South Africa had control over. Then a group of people claimed they were at the South Pole when they were some 1800 kilometers away, on the Antarctic continent. These people should be ashamed of themselves as they were from a group that are supposed to be the best at map reading.

Then there was a guy who claimed to be an ex-navy commando, when all he really is is a former signal apprentice at the Armed Forces Apprentice Training School. Another I met, claim that he teaches commandos how to dive rebreathers when he himself cannot explain the parts and mechanism of a Draeger Dolphin semi-closed rebreather, let alone a LAR-V CCOBA rebreather.

Another person I know, keeps claiming that he is doing millions of jobs for various government and private agencies, events and what-nots; but at the same time beg for a job at his/her former workplace. Then, when the job has been secured, tell people that going back there was of the last choice, and only because people begged the person to return to that office.

I also met a guy who claimed he knows me well. Sat with him for tea, and I asked him if he could help introduce me to myself so I could pass my gun license application form to the me he knows. So, he went on and on about how he and I have been close since before we were born and all that. You should have seen the look on his face when I told him who I am.

But this incident beats them all: I met the person who impersonated me.

This person, whose name differ slightly to mine, but with the same father’s name, went around conning people to buy pieces of land. Some people fell for the trick. So, one day, an old acquaintance I met asked me if I was into real estates. Me? Real estates? Apparently this guy knows of a victim personally. So, I demanded that I meet the victim. The victim, a Dato’, was surprised to see that the eldest son of my father looks so much different to the eldest son of my father who conned him.

So, I set a trap. I went to meet my clone. And at that meeting, he gave me his name card – his middle name was RAHIM. Went on and on about this piece of land that I should buy. Again, you should have seen the look on his face when I showed him my driver’s license.

And don’t ask me if this guy is still alive or otherwise.

The morale of this story is: we should all expose these clone whores before they turn into stars.

Aku ada habit, turun-temurun dari zaman askar dulu:

BERAK AT LEAST DUA KALI SEHARI.

Jadinya, on my second passing of the motion, aku pun bergegas la ke toilet yang kitorang share dengan office seberang lift lobby dari office kitorang. Kena pulak banyak betul cili padi aku bantai dengan wantan noodle soup masa lunch…dibantu-cerna oleh sepotong betik yang aku dapat free sebagai sebahagian dari lunch package aku.

Aku masuk aje restroom tu, ada sorang mamat ni, staff baru dari office seberang tu baru selesai buat apa yang patut. Aku tengok kasut dia basah. Aku pandang dia sekali imbas aje sebab kepala taik dah nak keluar. Ada 4 booths kesemuanya. Dua ada paip air, dua lagi hanya sekadar berbekalkan tisu bergulung-gulung untuk mereka-mereka yang gemar beristinja’ walaupun tidak beragama Islam. Yang ada paip satu lagi tu ada orang.

Lantas aku pun bergegas masuk yang satu lagi yang ada paip ni. Aku terbau sesuatu yang kurang menyenangkan. Aku tengok seat toilet, penuh dengan bekas kasut. Lepas tu dalam tu ada la satu ketul taik besar lengan sepanjang hampir 2 kaki, berlingkar dalam toilet bowl tersebut. Atas lantai simen tu basah dan ada cebisan khazanah-khazanah yang boleh digunakan di kebun-kebun sayur-sayuran untuk menambahkan hasil tuaian.

“Pukinenek mamat ni!

Menyirap darah aku. Aku pusing kat mamat tadi tu yang tengah menyikat rambut.

“Kau berak sini ke tadi???” tanya aku dalam nada berang di enhance pula oleh penahanan-keluar kepala taik tadi.

“A’ah,” jawab mamat kampung ni tadi.

“Lain kali berak duduk la! Kau ingat ni kat sungai belakang rumah kau kat kampung ke, bangang!” tempik aku kat mamat ni tadi.

Dengan menundukkan kepala, beliau bergegas untuk keluar dari restroom; tetapi sempat aku tempik lagi

“Haram jadah punya bahalol!”

Lantas budak tadi pun menghilangkan diri dengan kadar segera sambil berkali-kali berkata, “Sorry, bang! Sorry, bang!”.

Maka terpaksalah aku beristinja’ jua jawabnya.

Okay. I’m at the Pavilion now and Wifey’s out there somewhere browsing through women’s stuff while I do the D here inside Parkson’s toilet booth. It’s nice in here. It smells nice unlike the ones out there that a million people would be shittin’ in everyday. Despite my crap being runny due to last night’s dinner sambal, I can hardly smell anything funny.

So, if you’re here in the future and suddenly have the urge to poo, I’d expect you’d already know what to do.

Parkson – a great department store with nice smelling toilets.