SeaDemon Says

October 9, 2008

Battle In The Booths

Beraya di tandas awam
Berhari-raya di tandas awam

VIOLENT CONTENT

If you are below the age of 40 and are not accompanied by both parents, please do not proceed to read this. You have been warned.

The toilet is where you tend do lots of productive things other than to dump crap. I tend to get lots of ideas to write on my blog, or write project papers, magazine articles and so on. But most certainly, toilets remind me of the political situation and of politicians of Malaysia, no matter which side of the fence they are on.

I have this habit of having to read something when I sit on the porcelain throne. The reading material ranges from a novel by Tom Clancy right down to the fine prints on a toothpaste tube; the latter comes in handy when I cannot find anything to read. But if I am on the move and have to use the public toilets, that is when my mobile phone comes in handy. I would say from 2003 I have this thing about taking photos in the toilet booth and sending the images as MMS attachments to be sent to good friends. Sharing is caring, they say. Worse come to worse I’d come up with a simple poem and send it as a SMS.

There was once I was busy sending and receiving SMS to and from a former colleague, only for us both to realise that we were in the adjacent booth. See how technology brings friends together.

Why this shitty story today?

I was having lunch with Wifey when I felt the urge to go (yes, I am capable of going in the middle of a meal, to return and continue eating later). As I enter this public toilet, two out of four booths were already occupied. Two minutes or so after I had entered, the final booth adjacent to mine, found a tenant.

Suddenly, someone let out a fart. The ~PHFFFffffttTTttt~ type. Soon, another guy let out the flabby ~PFPRRFFPRRRPFffRRR~ type. I let loose the long windy semi-silent type with a little ~CRETTttTT~ at the end. Then the guy who came in last gave a loud ~BROOAAAAATTTTT~. And we all laughed out loud.

I quickly send an SMS to Wifey to relate that incident. She was still having her lunch.

That really made my day.

October 7, 2008October 7, 2008

Ko Cipet La Man Balik Kampung Cari Internet!

Everytime there is a major holiday in Malaysia, I would look forward to the PETRONAS TV adverts. I remember the ones with Rozie Rashid going back to her kampung, the Indian boy who went to the Stadium Merdeka to watch the proclamation of independence with his father, the “itu burung apa ayah?” raya advert of 2007 – tearjerkers all.

Looking at the raya ad for 2008, my lower jaw still has trouble moving upwards. I can see the message that PETRONAS was trying to put forward, in the raya spirit, but the storyline, dialogue, was, to put it in a subtle and polite manner – STUPID. Of course Maria Arshad would win hands-down as my friend, Gemgem’s favourite MILF (after his revelation last night over coffee).

Anyway, here is the advert that was shown on TV:

Now, what follows is my translation:

Sekkom mak!
Man: “Sekkom, mak!”

Peluk baek
Mak: “Man! Kau dah besar, nak! Dah nak raya ke ni yang engkau balik ni?”
Man: “Agaknya la mak. Man tengok semua orang balik, Man pun balik (dalam hati: bergetah lagi tetek minah ni…buat breast uplift ke?)

Wa dari Pahang, beb
Man: “Mak tau, Man dah kerja dekat 15 tahun, tak cukup-cukup lagi duit nak beli wireless broadband dari CELCOM atau MAXIS. Jadi Man nak pinjam tepon mak nak download porn malam raya nih. Dah lama Man dalam hutan kat Pahang membalun ungka betina je.”
Mak: “Mak tak ada internet, Man. Sini mak tepon orang guna tin susu kosong dengan benang aje.”

Anak buduh
Man: “Mak, bukan ke ini bilik mak? Takkan mak nak suruh Man tidur sini?”
Mak: “Kau dah besar, Man. Mak gersang sejak bapak kau lari dengan Mak Semah 5 tahun dulu dan putuskan wayar tepon rumah.”

Tak ada line tepon mana boleh connect, buduh!
Man: “Mak! Man bodoh la mak! Dah mak kata tepon rosak Man nak cari gak Internet!”
Mak: “Kau memang baghal macam bapak kau! Pergi la kat Rumah Tumpangan Ah Keong kat Lorong Haji Taib 4 tu. Kat situ mungkin dapat line.”

Man: “Aku memang baghal macam mak aku kata. Dah tau tepon dia rosak aku nak tepon dia jugak.”

Man dah balik nak main, Mak
Man: “Mak, mak pergi mana? Man dah horny banget ni asyik tengok porn kat pekan! Mak okay ke?”
Mak: “Mak ingat Man main dengan arboq di Chow Kit. Mak pun pergi la main kat bawah pokok ganja dengan Pak Sani engkau tu. Orang tengah terawih, tak ada orang nak kacau. Mesti la mak okay.”

Mak jadi moreh
Mak: “Lepas tu, mak kena jadi moreh untuk orang-orang yang balik dari surau dekat rumah penghulu Ajis.”
Man: “Takpe la mak. Man pun tak jumpa orang jual lemang tadi, Jadi malam ni mak makan aje la lemang Man punya.”

I cannot understand why can’t a son forget the Internet for just one bleedin’ night when obviously he hasn’t been back to his hometown in years as evident in the dialogue, he doesn’t even know if it was his mother’s room.

This is the advert that has the most “OKAY” in its dialogue, and most certainly have been a Telekom Malaysia-bashing advert.

Whoever’s the corporate branding person – he/she deserves to be shot.

October 6, 2008

A Romantic Post

Gambar romantik yang mencetuskan nafsu untuk menulis pada malam ini

Kepada Kekasihku Munah,

Aku masih ingat tatkala aku menatap wajah jelitamu di dalam sebuah majalah hiburan. Mukamu yang bulat bak tayar Goodyear dan celak yang menjadikan mata Gothic mu lebih mirip seekor Panda yang spastik telah menambat hatiku.

Pertemuan pertama kita membangkit berahi. Aku sedang duduk di kedai kopi Pak Mat tatkala kau masuk ke dalam kedai. Papan-papan lantai menjerit kesakitan dengan setiap langkah yang kau ambil. Bergegarnya dinding kayu kedai tersebut bertaut jarum di 8.9 di skala Richter.

Aku berpaling ke belakang. Dan aku terlihat wajahmu – putih bak tepung gomak, dengan gincu merah menyala seolah-olah kau baru sahaja mengucup tin cat kereta bomba Jalan Hang Tuah. Kaulah ratu di hatiku. Kaulah wanita paling jelita di dalam dunia ini. Kau secantik Angelina Jolie yang berumur 75 tahun dan 52 kilo lebih berat.

Setiap langkahmu…kulit-kulit dan lemak berlebihan di dalam tubuh mungilmu itu bergegar mengikut suatu sequence yang membangkitkan syahwatku.

Begitulah kau menghiasi pemandanganku…sepenuh-penuh frame, jelita, ayu…

…sehinggalah aku memakai cermin mata tebalku…

Notakaki: posting ini tidak ada hubungan dengan yang masih hidup, yang akan mati, dan yang telah mati.

October 2, 2008October 3, 2008

How To Spend Hari Raya And Get Bored In Two Days

Hari Raya…Hari Raya…Hari Raya.

It’s for kids only. Seriously. I am only happy this Hari Raya because I get to spend it my way, with at least one daughter, and with beloved Wifey. The latter two have made this Hari Raya extremely meaningful.

But what’s with the title?

On the second day of Hari Raya, Wifey and I are already feeling bored to death and long to go back to KL or JB…wherever we can be together without having to think about people visiting or visiting people.

Anyway, back to Hari Raya. We kicked off Hari Raya day by hanging out at the Old Town White Coffee outlet at Taman Banang on the way to Bukit Pasir with Wifey’s brothers, Uda and Shah. We had lots of stuff including Ipoh Hor Fun Noodles.

Wifey and youngest brother, Shah

Uda and I

Hana playing mobile phone games

The next morning was for visiting relatives, sending Raya goodies to uncles and aunts and so on. Tiring first day because it was a long one.

Hana and Wifey

Wifey and I

Wifey in raya mode at her uncle’s place

At her uncle’s place

Hana and Medina at Wifey’s aunt’s place

I whacked more ketupat and rendang later that night while everyone else was asleep. I just had to eat things until I got sick of raya foodies so I can go back to normal.

And today, the second day, Wifey, Hana and I, went to look for normal food. We had lunch at the Landmark Hotel.

Happy to have lunch

Wifey at the Landmark Hotel

Hana and her milk shake

So, that was how we spent our Hari Raya in a day, and bored ourselves to death with the usual Hari Raya fun.

Can’t wait to get home.

September 30, 2008

Last Day Of Ramadhan – Balik Kampung..Oh Oh Oh..Balik Kampung

As of last night, Wifey was still contemplating whether to go back to Johor or not. She almost decided not to go back and that would have meant the three of us (including my eldest daughter, Hana) to hole ourselves up here in the KL Crib. Fazira is back in Kedah with her mom, Nisaa and Farhan are in Klang at their maternal grandma’s place, Ali has gone back to Kedah with his father. Medina and Yunus are already in Batu Pahat.

Just the three of us left.

This morning, it was decided that we are going to spend our Hari Raya in Johor. So in less than an hour, we’ll be making our way back South. Last year, I made my way Northeastwards to the Perhentians. I somehow wish I could spend this Raya on an island somewhere…diving.

Anyway, for the past two nights, Wifey, Hana, Ali (for the first night only), and I have been breaking our fast outside. The first night was at The Curve after failing to find a F&B outlet that wasn’t full at the Subang Parade.

Wifey’s Phad Thai Thalay

My Black Pepper Soft Shell Crab

Later that night, together with Liverpool Babe, Neomesuff and her husband, we went out shopping at the Ramadhan Bazaar along Jalan Tuanku Abdul Rahman.

Wifey and Liverpool Babe checking the authenticity of the original imitation clothes

Neomesuff: “Yang, make sure you buy for me these things one lorry load!”
Wan: “Hait!”

Finally…4am was when we all headed back home…and my vision went blur

After sahur, Wifey and I woke up late, rushed to do some work, then went to pick up Hana. I spent some time with Nisaa and Farhan before we left for Ampang Park because Wifey had to shop for some clothes for Medina and Yunus. Then I though I’d give Wifey and Hana a treat, berbuka puasa outside for the final time this year, by taking them to al-Rawsha. The queue was extremely long, and the food sucked big time. They should stick to ala carte.

If these had alcohol, they would have been labelled as Barbarian

Food at al-Rawsha

That night, Hana and Wifey made Hazelnut Suji for Hari Raya at another Hana’s place. I had to rush off to the Havana Club for a business meeting with Orang Kaya Besar Laxamana Gempita Gemgem al-Qohol, and the Forlorn Soldier.

Watching TV or making suji?

What’s cooking, Honey? And I don’t mean what’s in the oven!”

Hazelnut Suji – my favourite

Meeting location

Gemgem and the Forlorn Soldier in serious discussion

And today, we left KL for Batu Pahat at 3.45pm. Woke up at 10.45am and Wifey quickly made some rendang to take back with us. We got caught in the crawl just before the Sungai Besi toll, then between Nilai and Seremban. After that I was whacking between 140 to 150 on the highway. We made a quick stop at the Ayer Keroh R&R to buy some KFC chicken and to refuel.

We made it as far as Parit Yaani, or half an hour from Batu Pahat, when it was time to break fast, and we broke fast inside the car for the last time this year.

This has been a remarkable and wonderful Ramadhan for me – the first Ramadhan that I’ve been truly happy.

Hana SMSing with Fazira who was in Kedah

The usual crawl

Finally, almost there

Wifey having her KFC Zinger for berbuka puasa

So, my friends, Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir dan Batin. Drive carefully to and from wherever your destination may be. With that, I leave you with P Ramlee’s original version of the all-time Hari raya favourite: DENDANG PERANTAU.

Dendang Perantau – P.Ramlee

September 28, 2008

Hari Raya Mood

Today is the third last day of fasting. Soon, Muslims in Malaysia especially, will be celebrating Aidil Fitri. Other than having Wifey with me, Hari Raya doesn’t mean much to me anymore.

Back in the early to mid-70s through the early 80s, Hari Raya is about going back to my maternal grandparents’ house in Kampung Jeransang. It is located along the Benta to Jerantut road – Mukim Tanjung Besar in Benta District. Those were the days when my cousin Harry and I would get chased by water buffalos after we pelt them with rocks, shoot bamboo cannons, get our fingers snapped by rat traps or bitten by Weaver Ants when we climb fruit trees. Then starting on the penultimate day of fasting, all of us, aunts and uncles included, would be cooking lemang, rendang, dodol and making cookies for the big day. At night, we’d be eating still while playing sparklers and firecrackers. The air would be filled with Hari Raya songs by the late Saloma and P Ramlee like “Selamat Hari Raya” (what else) and “Dendang Perantau.”

Nowadays, Hari Raya is much like any other festivities, and is far too commercialised for my liking. I don’t know what monster could eat up RM100++ worth of food for berbuka when I can whack the same amount in JB for less than 20% of that price. Hari Raya songs are being played in department stores a week before the commencement of fasting, and the fasting month is all about shopping, shopping, and shopping. Then comes the last minute bargaining for cookies and cakes along Jalan Tuanku Abdul Rahman and these cookies will be on the coffee table of a home until almost the next Hari Raya.

And as for my maternal grandparents’ home, my grandparents have left us all 10 years ago. My cousins are all married and some even have their grandchildren visiting them this Hari Raya. No more bamboo cannons and firecrackers. No more water buffalos as this generation does not want to work the rice fields anymore.

The romance of Hari Raya is all but gone forever.

And with that goes my mood too.

September 27, 2008

Hari Raya Weather

This weather forecast is for dates commencing first Hari Raya (Wednesday 1st October 2008) through third Hari Raya (3rd October 2008) only:

Kangar: Day 1 – 3 morning and afternoon thunderstorms. Night no rain.

Alor Setar: Day 1 – 3 morning and afternoon thunderstorms. Night no rain.

Georgetown: Day 1 – 3 morning and afternoon thunderstorms. Night no rain.

Ipoh: Day 1 – 3 morning and afternoon thunderstorms. Night no rain.

Kuala Lumpur: Day 1 – 3: sunny.

Petaling Jaya: Day 1 – 3: sunny.

Shah Alam: Day 1 – 3: sunny.

Seremban: Day 1 – 3: sunny.

Melaka: Day 1 – 3: sunny.

Johor Bahru: Day 1 – 3: sunny.

Kuantan: Day 1 – 3: rain in the afternoon.

Kuala Terengganu: Day 1 – 3: sunny.

Kota Bharu: Day 1 – 3: sunny.

Kota Kinabalu: Day 1 – 3 afternoon thunderstorms. Morning and night no rain.

Kudat: Day 1 – 3 morning cloudy and afternoon thunderstorms. Night no rain.

Sandakan: Day 1: rain in the afternoon. Morning and night no rain. Days 2 & 3: sunny.

Tawau: Day 1 – 3: sunny.

Miri: Day 1 – 3: sunny.

Kuching: Day 1 – 3 morning and afternoon thunderstorms. Night no rain.

SELAMAT MENYAMBUT HARI RAYA AIDIL FITRI

September 27, 2008

31 Ways To Not Drive Me Wild

Angels in Stockings, UK

It is no secret that I love to read when I am on the porcelain throne. I’d normally grab a magazine or a newspaper, and my session would be just fine; failing which, I will just grab a toothpaste tube, or a bottle of shampoo or shower gel and read every single fine print available just to make my toilet session an easy one.

Recently, I read a woman’s magazine belonging to Wifey, and almost spoiled the session because I laughed out loud. In the magazine is an article listing 31 ways to drive a man totally wild. The tagline said “Little tips for every day of the month that will make your husband a very happy man!” Let me list them down and tell you what I think of some of the items.

Place a silk scarf inside his briefcase with a little note that says, “You will need this later tonight in bed.”

And for what? Tell me, please.

Wear a daringly low-cut top, and during dinner “innocently” reach over for the salt.

We don’t have salt bottle on the table. Would sambal belacan do?

Sit on his lap during a party or an outdoor barbeque…and align your private parts with his.”

Depending on how mine is parked, it can be painful for me, and whenever Wifey sits on my lap, she’d jump roff right away because there’s always something hard poking at her butt – my wallet.

Give him a sensual chest massage.

I’ve got bad back. So I prefer a backrub to a chest massage. And if it’s good, I’d fall asleep right away. If it’s bad, I’ll just push it away.

Seduce him in the kitchen!

Hello, with so many things burning on the stove, not a good idea.

Tell him you need the car keys, then dip your hand in his front pocket and fish around for them.

I normally leave the car keys where it should be. I have a wallet, a hanky, two mobile phones, my Vicks inhaler and a dental floss in my pockets. Why would I want to add more deadweight?

Have a romp in a tight space.

My waistline is 42, for God’s sake!

Go for a morning jog together then pounce on him while you’re both still sweaty and breathing heavily.

Eeeeewww!

Admire him blatantly when he gets out of his morning shower. Whistle when he walks by you in the bedroom.

And I will go, “What a pervert!”

Write this on a notecard: I’M LUSTING FOR YOUR_________________ I WANT YOU TO TAKE MY ____________________ AND _____________________ WITH YOUR __________________. Pass it to him and ask him to fill in the blanks any way he wants.

I’M LUSTING FOR YOUR poems I WANT YOU TO TAKE MY notebook AND write WITH YOUR pen.

Call him slightly scandalous new nickname: Cowboy, Stallion, Lover.

I’ll holler back CHEE SIN.

Pinch his butt when he walks by.

Pervert.

Keep the door open while you shower…

And I’ll go, “Are you wearing a leather jacket in the shower, Honey?”

Gosh…what’s happened to spontaneity?

September 25, 2008

Hari Raya Memories

Balik Kampung - credit to Aljawhar at WordPress Hari Raya cards hanging on a Christmas tree that mostly said “Season Greetings” than “Selamat Hari Raya”. I was 5 years old. And that was in Bukit Peringgit, Melaka. The year – 1971.

That’s as far as I can recall of my first memories of Hari Raya. As a child, Hari Raya was always being eagerly waited by me, and thousands of other kids in Malaysia (at least). That very year we moved to our house in Section 16, PJ. That neighbourhood was fun; I had neighbours, friends and what-nots. When my father became the IGP in 1974, that was when he first hosted an open house. The food was good, courtesy of his entertainment allowance. We played sparklers, and when I was 9, my baju melayu’s sleeve caught fire, but the guard quickly acted and put the flame out. We moved to our quarters just before Tun Razak died, and from 1976 through 1994 (when my father retired, virtually all haris raya were celebrated there – save for 1984 through 1986, and 1991 (when I first got married).

I also loved the haris raya spent at my maternal grandparents place in Kampung Jeransang, Benta district, in Pahang. It was the only time all of us get to converge and meet each other.

After my divorce in 1996, I lost all passion for Hari Raya. It no longer had any meaning for me. Hari Raya for me would end with the end of the morning prayer. After that I would just head home, eat a bit, and spend the day sleeping. And last year’s was the saddest – I celebrated alone. My elder kids went back to Kedah, while my younger ones celebrated with their mother in Klang. I remember that image of Nisaa entering the room in her baju kurung, walked up to me, salam me, and gave me a good long hug. I just kissed her head with her Maggi hair in my face.

It was a sad day.

I ate leftovers that raya morning, with Ribena. Only friends wished me Hari Raya. None from my family members, none from that person who claimed to love me with all her heart. Not a single wish from her, even as I was making my way to the Perhentian Islands that night.

Never spend Hari Raya alone. And if you have to, make sure your TV set is not tuned to any of the local terrestrial channels that would have the occassional takbir to remind you of how miserable it is to spend hari raya alone.

Never spend hari raya alone…never…ever again.

September 25, 2008

And Soon It Is Hari Raya Again

My son, Farhan, and my daughter, Nisaa, will be celebrating Hari Raya at their maternal grandmother’s home in Klang. My second daughter, Fazira, will be going back to Kedah to be with her mother for Hari Raya. My eldest, Hana, is unsure. She might join me, or she might join Farhan and Nisaa.

Hari Raya is never for me.