Month: October 2008

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I Khan’t Believe My Eyes That Ravichandran And David Niven Weren’t Made A ‘DATUK’

I tell you this. I was looking for an image of DATUK SHAH RUKH KHAN, and I clicked on a link only to find this image:

WTF is an UPGRADATION?
WTF is an ‘UPGRADATION’ anyhow???

I used to hear of the word when I worked in some company that believed it was the nation’s most-favoured multinational company. After more than two point five years of leaving that dunghole, I decided to search for the meaning of that word and got this:

Results

upgradation was not found in the Cambridge Advanced Learner’s Dictionary

Did you spell it correctly?

Anyway, Shah Rukh Khan was made a DATUK for making millions worldwide see the scenes shot in Melaka. And I went: WOW!

Eh, the late Ibrahim Pendek should be awarded a DATUKship by the Pahang state government for making people around the world to see what Tioman island was like back in 1958 where they shot the movie “Bali H’ai”.

Come to think of it, Mollywood film producer Ravichandran should also get a DATUKship from the Yang DiPertuan Agong for having KLCC and KLIA in the background of the song “Remo” for the movie “Anniyan.”

And of course, if the late Ibrahim Pendek is conferred a DATUKship, then Rock Hudson should get one as well.

Oh, don’t forget DATUK DAVID NIVEN for being part of the cast of a movie called “Paper Tiger” shot in KL in 1975 when there was still a BULATAN MERDEKA.

Man, we have so many local people who are deserving of those recognitions and yet the Melaka state government saw it fit to award Shah Rukh Khan who did not even attend the ceremony. That is snubbing on a global scale.

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12th October

A year ago today was the last day of Ramadhan – and I spent it alone. I remember finding some meat that was three days old in the fridge, and some Ribena to drink for berbuka puasa. I even blogged about it.

I was all alone.

The next day was Hari Raya. I went to the house of the Forlorn Soldier and had something other than raya food. I almost met with an accident due to the abnormally heavy rain that saw Sungai Damansara burst its banks near TTDI Jaya (yet again). That night, my friends who do not know how to celebrate Hari Raya, and I, left for the Perhentian Islands to dive – yes, on hari raya.

I don’t remember where I dived, but I remember diving at Tukun Laut, Sugar Wreck, and near Pasir Tani in a storm looking for seahorses.

Me at Sugar Wreck - taken by Deepblu
Me, at Sugar Wreck – taken by Deepblu

On the way back from Sugar Wreck
On the way back from Sugar Wreck with Jasmine, Marlene and Sharon

I hardly took any photos on that trip, and because my underwater housing was spoilt, I did not take any underwater ones at all, until a month later when I went to Sipadan.

Anyway, what a difference a year has made. Here I am now, blogging whilst listening to my lovely wife snoring away.

Life is so wonderful now – and I am no longer alone.

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Battle In The Booths

Beraya di tandas awam
Berhari-raya di tandas awam

VIOLENT CONTENT

If you are below the age of 40 and are not accompanied by both parents, please do not proceed to read this. You have been warned.

The toilet is where you tend do lots of productive things other than to dump crap. I tend to get lots of ideas to write on my blog, or write project papers, magazine articles and so on. But most certainly, toilets remind me of the political situation and of politicians of Malaysia, no matter which side of the fence they are on.

I have this habit of having to read something when I sit on the porcelain throne. The reading material ranges from a novel by Tom Clancy right down to the fine prints on a toothpaste tube; the latter comes in handy when I cannot find anything to read. But if I am on the move and have to use the public toilets, that is when my mobile phone comes in handy. I would say from 2003 I have this thing about taking photos in the toilet booth and sending the images as MMS attachments to be sent to good friends. Sharing is caring, they say. Worse come to worse I’d come up with a simple poem and send it as a SMS.

There was once I was busy sending and receiving SMS to and from a former colleague, only for us both to realise that we were in the adjacent booth. See how technology brings friends together.

Why this shitty story today?

I was having lunch with Wifey when I felt the urge to go (yes, I am capable of going in the middle of a meal, to return and continue eating later). As I enter this public toilet, two out of four booths were already occupied. Two minutes or so after I had entered, the final booth adjacent to mine, found a tenant.

Suddenly, someone let out a fart. The ~PHFFFffffttTTttt~ type. Soon, another guy let out the flabby ~PFPRRFFPRRRPFffRRR~ type. I let loose the long windy semi-silent type with a little ~CRETTttTT~ at the end. Then the guy who came in last gave a loud ~BROOAAAAATTTTT~. And we all laughed out loud.

I quickly send an SMS to Wifey to relate that incident. She was still having her lunch.

That really made my day.

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Ko Cipet La Man Balik Kampung Cari Internet!

Everytime there is a major holiday in Malaysia, I would look forward to the PETRONAS TV adverts. I remember the ones with Rozie Rashid going back to her kampung, the Indian boy who went to the Stadium Merdeka to watch the proclamation of independence with his father, the “itu burung apa ayah?” raya advert of 2007 – tearjerkers all.

Looking at the raya ad for 2008, my lower jaw still has trouble moving upwards. I can see the message that PETRONAS was trying to put forward, in the raya spirit, but the storyline, dialogue, was, to put it in a subtle and polite manner – STUPID. Of course Maria Arshad would win hands-down as my friend, Gemgem’s favourite MILF (after his revelation last night over coffee).

Anyway, here is the advert that was shown on TV:

Now, what follows is my translation:

Sekkom mak!
Man: “Sekkom, mak!”

Peluk baek
Mak: “Man! Kau dah besar, nak! Dah nak raya ke ni yang engkau balik ni?”
Man: “Agaknya la mak. Man tengok semua orang balik, Man pun balik (dalam hati: bergetah lagi tetek minah ni…buat breast uplift ke?)

Wa dari Pahang, beb
Man: “Mak tau, Man dah kerja dekat 15 tahun, tak cukup-cukup lagi duit nak beli wireless broadband dari CELCOM atau MAXIS. Jadi Man nak pinjam tepon mak nak download porn malam raya nih. Dah lama Man dalam hutan kat Pahang membalun ungka betina je.”
Mak: “Mak tak ada internet, Man. Sini mak tepon orang guna tin susu kosong dengan benang aje.”

Anak buduh
Man: “Mak, bukan ke ini bilik mak? Takkan mak nak suruh Man tidur sini?”
Mak: “Kau dah besar, Man. Mak gersang sejak bapak kau lari dengan Mak Semah 5 tahun dulu dan putuskan wayar tepon rumah.”

Tak ada line tepon mana boleh connect, buduh!
Man: “Mak! Man bodoh la mak! Dah mak kata tepon rosak Man nak cari gak Internet!”
Mak: “Kau memang baghal macam bapak kau! Pergi la kat Rumah Tumpangan Ah Keong kat Lorong Haji Taib 4 tu. Kat situ mungkin dapat line.”

Memang baghal
Man: “Aku memang baghal macam mak aku kata. Dah tau tepon dia rosak aku nak tepon dia jugak.”

Man dah balik nak main, Mak
Man: “Mak, mak pergi mana? Man dah horny banget ni asyik tengok porn kat pekan! Mak okay ke?”
Mak: “Mak ingat Man main dengan arboq di Chow Kit. Mak pun pergi la main kat bawah pokok ganja dengan Pak Sani engkau tu. Orang tengah terawih, tak ada orang nak kacau. Mesti la mak okay.”

Mak jadi moreh
Mak: “Lepas tu, mak kena jadi moreh untuk orang-orang yang balik dari surau dekat rumah penghulu Ajis.”
Man: “Takpe la mak. Man pun tak jumpa orang jual lemang tadi, Jadi malam ni mak makan aje la lemang Man punya.”

I cannot understand why can’t a son forget the Internet for just one bleedin’ night when obviously he hasn’t been back to his hometown in years as evident in the dialogue, he doesn’t even know if it was his mother’s room.

This is the advert that has the most “OKAY” in its dialogue, and most certainly have been a Telekom Malaysia-bashing advert.

Whoever’s the corporate branding person – he/she deserves to be shot.

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A Romantic Post

Romantic sunset
Gambar romantik yang mencetuskan nafsu untuk menulis pada malam ini

Kepada Kekasihku Munah,

Aku masih ingat tatkala aku menatap wajah jelitamu di dalam sebuah majalah hiburan. Mukamu yang bulat bak tayar Goodyear dan celak yang menjadikan mata Gothic mu lebih mirip seekor Panda yang spastik telah menambat hatiku.

Pertemuan pertama kita membangkit berahi. Aku sedang duduk di kedai kopi Pak Mat tatkala kau masuk ke dalam kedai. Papan-papan lantai menjerit kesakitan dengan setiap langkah yang kau ambil. Bergegarnya dinding kayu kedai tersebut bertaut jarum di 8.9 di skala Richter.

Aku berpaling ke belakang. Dan aku terlihat wajahmu – putih bak tepung gomak, dengan gincu merah menyala seolah-olah kau baru sahaja mengucup tin cat kereta bomba Jalan Hang Tuah. Kaulah ratu di hatiku. Kaulah wanita paling jelita di dalam dunia ini. Kau secantik Angelina Jolie yang berumur 75 tahun dan 52 kilo lebih berat.

Setiap langkahmu…kulit-kulit dan lemak berlebihan di dalam tubuh mungilmu itu bergegar mengikut suatu sequence yang membangkitkan syahwatku.

Begitulah kau menghiasi pemandanganku…sepenuh-penuh frame, jelita, ayu…

…sehinggalah aku memakai cermin mata tebalku…

Notakaki: posting ini tidak ada hubungan dengan yang masih hidup, yang akan mati, dan yang telah mati.

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How To Spend Hari Raya And Get Bored In Two Days

Hari Raya…Hari Raya…Hari Raya.

It’s for kids only. Seriously. I am only happy this Hari Raya because I get to spend it my way, with at least one daughter, and with beloved Wifey. The latter two have made this Hari Raya extremely meaningful.

But what’s with the title?

On the second day of Hari Raya, Wifey and I are already feeling bored to death and long to go back to KL or JB…wherever we can be together without having to think about people visiting or visiting people.

Anyway, back to Hari Raya. We kicked off Hari Raya day by hanging out at the Old Town White Coffee outlet at Taman Banang on the way to Bukit Pasir with Wifey’s brothers, Uda and Shah. We had lots of stuff including Ipoh Hor Fun Noodles.

Wifey and Shah
Wifey and youngest brother, Shah

Uda and I
Uda and I

Hana playing mobile phone games
Hana playing mobile phone games

The next morning was for visiting relatives, sending Raya goodies to uncles and aunts and so on. Tiring first day because it was a long one.

Hana and Wifey
Hana and Wifey

Wifey and I
Wifey and I

Wifey at her aunt's place
Wifey in raya mode at her uncle’s place

At her uncle's place
At her uncle’s place

Hana and Medina
Hana and Medina at Wifey’s aunt’s place

I whacked more ketupat and rendang later that night while everyone else was asleep. I just had to eat things until I got sick of raya foodies so I can go back to normal.

And today, the second day, Wifey, Hana and I, went to look for normal food. We had lunch at the Landmark Hotel.

Happy to have lunch
Happy to have lunch

Wifey at the Landmark Hotel
Wifey at the Landmark Hotel

Hana and her milk shake
Hana and her milk shake

So, that was how we spent our Hari Raya in a day, and bored ourselves to death with the usual Hari Raya fun.

Can’t wait to get home.