The Silent Killer Strikes Again

Last night was great.  Gemgem held his closed open-house do (co-sponsored by Da Ma Cai) at Lobsterman in SS2 for us.

Event backdrop

Anyway, one of the things we had was the Shelter’s Garlic Lobster that had so much fried cili padi (Capsicum frutescens…what is its name in English?) and garlic laced on it. By the time we headed back for home, Wifey and I were trading burps and farts inside the car itself. We would trade salvos against each other and I could imagine how those soldiers on the Somme during World War One must have felt being exposed to the mustard gas released by the German army.

Well, true to my character, I never hold crap for long. The moment we arrived home, I just rushed for the porcelain throne and dumped all that potent stuff – clean!

Shelter's Garlic Lobster

Now, Wifey at that time had been constipated for two days. She’s so famous for that, that at times, enema had to be administered. And who will always have to go to the pharmacy to get her supply of enema and KY? ME! M-E, ME! I get funny looks everytime I buy enema and KY. I don’t mind so much if I were to put on my MCOBA t-shirt (MCOBA stands for Malay Champions of Buggering Asses), but in plain t-shirts, they look at me as though I am a pervert.

Not that I am not, though.

Now back to Wifey, she’s blogged once about her ability to dispense killer farts. And I shit you not. Excuse my pun, if you must. You can read all about it HERE. But this time around, her previous killer fart would have been whipped up by Christian Dior or something for being the sweetest discovery of the year. She kept running into the bathroom everytime she had the urge to fart. And somehow, the smell would seep out through the bottom of the bathroom door, into this bedroom. I cannot imagine how the tiles on the wall of the bathroom could stand all that torture without sliding down onto the floor!

To cut a long story short, in the end, we fell asleep at around 3am after she had taken some laxatives. I was slipping into Lalaland, and occassionally gave that involuntary muscle spasm jerks, when I heard that familiar, silently-loving sound that went ~PUuuuUUussSSSssSSssss~. Klaxons shrilled, the tannoys blared ‘Battle Stations‘! This was the real thing. This was no drill!

I hurriedly got up to try to make airtight the comforter that was covering her sleeping body. The gaps in the fibres couldn’t have been more than 0.1 microns in size, but somehow this killer gas managed to seep out. I cannot imagine the discolouration that was taking place on my sarong nearest to her rear orifice. OH, THE SMELL!!!

THIS WAS WHAT KILLED THE DINOSAURS!!!

And lingered in the room it did. Wifey never reacted to the smell except that little “UUhhhHH!” that escaped her mouth – almost silent. I can imagine the sudden increase in booger production just to help plug the nostrils.

Anyway, as they say, as Snake Kings will die because of snake-bites, Wifey almost had her end when she finally managed to dump three days of toxic waste collection. Even she had trouble breathing.

After that episode, I don’t mind being called a backdoor person. I WILL buy her enema and KY without a single whimper so as to help her ease her mind…and bowel movement.

And what of this whole episode? Her killer farts are one of the things that makes her unique – things I would miss about her whenever we have to be away from each other.

And her unique traits are one of the reasons I love this woman very much – gross or not.

The Imbecile

Damnant quodnon intelligunt. And that is so true.

I don’t know which is worse: when I was younger or as I am now. I would say when I was younger, although some may have some reservations on that. Gone are the days when files would fly, or subordinates wouldn’t go for lunch because they would have to pass in front of my office door that was always open. One thing that is somewhat constant is my being dogmatic. Not my plus-point earner, but sometimes it is good that I have such a trait.

Whether I am more irascible than I used to be is a very subjective matter. Many think I have mellowed and can smile more than what I used to be like some 15 years ago – my bouts of anger ephemeral. But nevertheless, there will be times when some people want a test of that.

Just last Friday, an odious bastard whom Wifey once trusted as a good friend, castigated me on my past marriages. The problem is, it wasn’t done to me in my face, but was related to one of Wifey’s uncles. Now, there are times when I am not known for my coruscating wit; and being judged by a person whom I have only met twice certainly didn’t arouse any witty reaction from me. I would call his a craven act by someone who is only able to sleep better knowing he can step on others; and there are millions of such scum.

It is fallacious that a man who’s gone through more than one marriage is just someone who cannot seriously be in a marriage for long – or marriage, to such a man, is just another ephemera. It can work both ways too. This idiot, who is also known for his garrulous streak, was implicated by Wifey’s ex as one of the people responsible for the failure of their marriage. Well, Wifey’s ex (whom I nicknamed the Glaucoma Monkey) is a very insecure person. Although most of his allegations were baseless, this idiot I call an odious person, is known for being a casanova-wannabe: he is old (definitely older than I am, judging by the creases of skin beneath his collarline), but makes himself up as a younger person, always wanting to be seen in the company of good-looking and almost always younger women. Ball-less as he is, he fears his wife. On my first meeting with him, then without Wifey, he told me how the Glaucoma Monkey had accused him of having a crush for Wifey, and scoffed at the allegation. Thinking back, I am inclined to believe the Glaucoma Monkey.

Despite having seen him walking with younger women after office, I have never had bad thoughts of him. That is his personality and that is his character. I hardly know him, and stories I gathered of him from people who work in the same organisation as he, had never influence my thinking of him.

Until Friday, that is, when he decided to blurt something damaging without knowing what he was talking about. I sometimes find myself stare into the yon in disbelief – he talks about me as if he knows me already, but how can he not know, based on my past, that I can easily extirpate him?

And today is Monday. When he enters office, he is going to find an E-mail waiting for him. In it, are some less-than-civilised words that I have reserved for him, the imbecile.

Caveat actor!

I Khan’t Believe My Eyes That Ravichandran And David Niven Weren’t Made A ‘DATUK’

I tell you this. I was looking for an image of DATUK SHAH RUKH KHAN, and I clicked on a link only to find this image:

WTF is an UPGRADATION?
WTF is an ‘UPGRADATION’ anyhow???

I used to hear of the word when I worked in some company that believed it was the nation’s most-favoured multinational company. After more than two point five years of leaving that dunghole, I decided to search for the meaning of that word and got this:

Results

upgradation was not found in the Cambridge Advanced Learner’s Dictionary

Did you spell it correctly?

Anyway, Shah Rukh Khan was made a DATUK for making millions worldwide see the scenes shot in Melaka. And I went: WOW!

Eh, the late Ibrahim Pendek should be awarded a DATUKship by the Pahang state government for making people around the world to see what Tioman island was like back in 1958 where they shot the movie “Bali H’ai”.

Come to think of it, Mollywood film producer Ravichandran should also get a DATUKship from the Yang DiPertuan Agong for having KLCC and KLIA in the background of the song “Remo” for the movie “Anniyan.”

And of course, if the late Ibrahim Pendek is conferred a DATUKship, then Rock Hudson should get one as well.

Oh, don’t forget DATUK DAVID NIVEN for being part of the cast of a movie called “Paper Tiger” shot in KL in 1975 when there was still a BULATAN MERDEKA.

Man, we have so many local people who are deserving of those recognitions and yet the Melaka state government saw it fit to award Shah Rukh Khan who did not even attend the ceremony. That is snubbing on a global scale.

12th October

A year ago today was the last day of Ramadhan – and I spent it alone. I remember finding some meat that was three days old in the fridge, and some Ribena to drink for berbuka puasa. I even blogged about it.

I was all alone.

The next day was Hari Raya. I went to the house of the Forlorn Soldier and had something other than raya food. I almost met with an accident due to the abnormally heavy rain that saw Sungai Damansara burst its banks near TTDI Jaya (yet again). That night, my friends who do not know how to celebrate Hari Raya, and I, left for the Perhentian Islands to dive – yes, on hari raya.

I don’t remember where I dived, but I remember diving at Tukun Laut, Sugar Wreck, and near Pasir Tani in a storm looking for seahorses.

Me at Sugar Wreck - taken by Deepblu
Me, at Sugar Wreck – taken by Deepblu

On the way back from Sugar Wreck
On the way back from Sugar Wreck with Jasmine, Marlene and Sharon

I hardly took any photos on that trip, and because my underwater housing was spoilt, I did not take any underwater ones at all, until a month later when I went to Sipadan.

Anyway, what a difference a year has made. Here I am now, blogging whilst listening to my lovely wife snoring away.

Life is so wonderful now – and I am no longer alone.

Battle In The Booths

Beraya di tandas awam
Berhari-raya di tandas awam

VIOLENT CONTENT

If you are below the age of 40 and are not accompanied by both parents, please do not proceed to read this. You have been warned.

The toilet is where you tend do lots of productive things other than to dump crap. I tend to get lots of ideas to write on my blog, or write project papers, magazine articles and so on. But most certainly, toilets remind me of the political situation and of politicians of Malaysia, no matter which side of the fence they are on.

I have this habit of having to read something when I sit on the porcelain throne. The reading material ranges from a novel by Tom Clancy right down to the fine prints on a toothpaste tube; the latter comes in handy when I cannot find anything to read. But if I am on the move and have to use the public toilets, that is when my mobile phone comes in handy. I would say from 2003 I have this thing about taking photos in the toilet booth and sending the images as MMS attachments to be sent to good friends. Sharing is caring, they say. Worse come to worse I’d come up with a simple poem and send it as a SMS.

There was once I was busy sending and receiving SMS to and from a former colleague, only for us both to realise that we were in the adjacent booth. See how technology brings friends together.

Why this shitty story today?

I was having lunch with Wifey when I felt the urge to go (yes, I am capable of going in the middle of a meal, to return and continue eating later). As I enter this public toilet, two out of four booths were already occupied. Two minutes or so after I had entered, the final booth adjacent to mine, found a tenant.

Suddenly, someone let out a fart. The ~PHFFFffffttTTttt~ type. Soon, another guy let out the flabby ~PFPRRFFPRRRPFffRRR~ type. I let loose the long windy semi-silent type with a little ~CRETTttTT~ at the end. Then the guy who came in last gave a loud ~BROOAAAAATTTTT~. And we all laughed out loud.

I quickly send an SMS to Wifey to relate that incident. She was still having her lunch.

That really made my day.

Ko Cipet La Man Balik Kampung Cari Internet!

Everytime there is a major holiday in Malaysia, I would look forward to the PETRONAS TV adverts. I remember the ones with Rozie Rashid going back to her kampung, the Indian boy who went to the Stadium Merdeka to watch the proclamation of independence with his father, the “itu burung apa ayah?” raya advert of 2007 – tearjerkers all.

Looking at the raya ad for 2008, my lower jaw still has trouble moving upwards. I can see the message that PETRONAS was trying to put forward, in the raya spirit, but the storyline, dialogue, was, to put it in a subtle and polite manner – STUPID. Of course Maria Arshad would win hands-down as my friend, Gemgem’s favourite MILF (after his revelation last night over coffee).

Anyway, here is the advert that was shown on TV:

Now, what follows is my translation:

Sekkom mak!
Man: “Sekkom, mak!”

Peluk baek
Mak: “Man! Kau dah besar, nak! Dah nak raya ke ni yang engkau balik ni?”
Man: “Agaknya la mak. Man tengok semua orang balik, Man pun balik (dalam hati: bergetah lagi tetek minah ni…buat breast uplift ke?)

Wa dari Pahang, beb
Man: “Mak tau, Man dah kerja dekat 15 tahun, tak cukup-cukup lagi duit nak beli wireless broadband dari CELCOM atau MAXIS. Jadi Man nak pinjam tepon mak nak download porn malam raya nih. Dah lama Man dalam hutan kat Pahang membalun ungka betina je.”
Mak: “Mak tak ada internet, Man. Sini mak tepon orang guna tin susu kosong dengan benang aje.”

Anak buduh
Man: “Mak, bukan ke ini bilik mak? Takkan mak nak suruh Man tidur sini?”
Mak: “Kau dah besar, Man. Mak gersang sejak bapak kau lari dengan Mak Semah 5 tahun dulu dan putuskan wayar tepon rumah.”

Tak ada line tepon mana boleh connect, buduh!
Man: “Mak! Man bodoh la mak! Dah mak kata tepon rosak Man nak cari gak Internet!”
Mak: “Kau memang baghal macam bapak kau! Pergi la kat Rumah Tumpangan Ah Keong kat Lorong Haji Taib 4 tu. Kat situ mungkin dapat line.”

Memang baghal
Man: “Aku memang baghal macam mak aku kata. Dah tau tepon dia rosak aku nak tepon dia jugak.”

Man dah balik nak main, Mak
Man: “Mak, mak pergi mana? Man dah horny banget ni asyik tengok porn kat pekan! Mak okay ke?”
Mak: “Mak ingat Man main dengan arboq di Chow Kit. Mak pun pergi la main kat bawah pokok ganja dengan Pak Sani engkau tu. Orang tengah terawih, tak ada orang nak kacau. Mesti la mak okay.”

Mak jadi moreh
Mak: “Lepas tu, mak kena jadi moreh untuk orang-orang yang balik dari surau dekat rumah penghulu Ajis.”
Man: “Takpe la mak. Man pun tak jumpa orang jual lemang tadi, Jadi malam ni mak makan aje la lemang Man punya.”

I cannot understand why can’t a son forget the Internet for just one bleedin’ night when obviously he hasn’t been back to his hometown in years as evident in the dialogue, he doesn’t even know if it was his mother’s room.

This is the advert that has the most “OKAY” in its dialogue, and most certainly have been a Telekom Malaysia-bashing advert.

Whoever’s the corporate branding person – he/she deserves to be shot.

A Romantic Post

Romantic sunset
Gambar romantik yang mencetuskan nafsu untuk menulis pada malam ini

Kepada Kekasihku Munah,

Aku masih ingat tatkala aku menatap wajah jelitamu di dalam sebuah majalah hiburan. Mukamu yang bulat bak tayar Goodyear dan celak yang menjadikan mata Gothic mu lebih mirip seekor Panda yang spastik telah menambat hatiku.

Pertemuan pertama kita membangkit berahi. Aku sedang duduk di kedai kopi Pak Mat tatkala kau masuk ke dalam kedai. Papan-papan lantai menjerit kesakitan dengan setiap langkah yang kau ambil. Bergegarnya dinding kayu kedai tersebut bertaut jarum di 8.9 di skala Richter.

Aku berpaling ke belakang. Dan aku terlihat wajahmu – putih bak tepung gomak, dengan gincu merah menyala seolah-olah kau baru sahaja mengucup tin cat kereta bomba Jalan Hang Tuah. Kaulah ratu di hatiku. Kaulah wanita paling jelita di dalam dunia ini. Kau secantik Angelina Jolie yang berumur 75 tahun dan 52 kilo lebih berat.

Setiap langkahmu…kulit-kulit dan lemak berlebihan di dalam tubuh mungilmu itu bergegar mengikut suatu sequence yang membangkitkan syahwatku.

Begitulah kau menghiasi pemandanganku…sepenuh-penuh frame, jelita, ayu…

…sehinggalah aku memakai cermin mata tebalku…

Notakaki: posting ini tidak ada hubungan dengan yang masih hidup, yang akan mati, dan yang telah mati.

Sweet Morning – A Note I Wrote

I wrote this note on Hari Raya itself. I was looking at Wifey sleeping when I wrote this in my Facebook profile:

Wifey’s asleep next to me right now. It has been a long night for her and an early morning today. Apart from those facts, I believe the real reason for her sleeping right now is the amount of food-whacking she’s done today – and it’s only 3pm.

My daughter Hana is now watching some noisy Akademi Fantasia concert on TV. I wish I could sleep but so many things are running through my mind right now…sweet things.

Last night, Wifey and I, my daughter Hana, Wifey’s brothers Uda and Shah, spent some time at the Old Town White Coffee. It was a good session because we had fun. This Hari Raya is definitely better than it was last year, despite the fact that I still cannot spend this auspicious day with my own siblings and parents. I try to make do with what I have around me and have fun…or at least try. We spoke to Wifey’s sister, Zaza, who is now in Japan, and that was great.

Yes, I do feel sad not being able to be with my parents and siblings. Blood runs thicker than water does not really hold well and true in my family apparently. Couple that with the fact that my daughters Fazira and Nisaa, and my only son, Farhan, are not able to be with me again this year, adds to that sadness.

But looking at how serene Wifey looks when she’s asleep right now, makes me realise that despite the downside of life, there is still that beautiful part of it. And in this short and colourful life, everything beautiful, no matter how small or insignificant, is sweet…and adds more colours to life’s canvas that was pastel in colour or greyscale.

For those able to return to their respective kampungs and still be able to laugh, help prepare for Hari Raya, with their parents, parent, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents etc., be thankful of that and cherish that moment. I can only tell you how awful it feels when you are unable to, not because you don’t want to, but you are not welcomed into your own home, despite the attempts you have done to bridge that chasm that is dividing you and your family. I can go on telling you the countless nights that I shed tears thinking of my family, and more so during the last days of Ramadhan, and how Wifey’s always there to hold me even though there is nothing much that she can do.

And that makes two years now.

Count your blessings, people.

I am lucky for the support I receive from my own children, especially my eldest, Hana, who is always with me. I am lucky for the support I get from friends, especially those whom have been with me since the beginning of the year – Spena, Gemgem, Elysha,Rina, Ayu, Fin, Dalina, Renek, Syahmi, Komar, Aiz, Din, Hana…who are always there from early evening till early morning, and friends I got to know through them. My great diver friends, and friends whom I have known for almost 4 decades, as well as the ones I have made along the way who are here on Facebook, and those who aren’t, and friends I have made here on Facebook who have dropped the occassional messages of support. I love you all.

And I am most lucky to have Wifey, whom I met as a single-mother with three kids. A great woman, multitalented, fun-filled, loving, caring, compassionate, sweet, temperamental at times. A woman whose love for me knows no boundaries.

And on this auspicious day, I had a sweet morning as I sleep when I heard these very words:

Selamat Hari Raya, Sayang!

Life can only get better.

My friends, forgive me as the list of names for me to mention would be too long. I love you all nevertheless.

How To Spend Hari Raya And Get Bored In Two Days

Hari Raya…Hari Raya…Hari Raya.

It’s for kids only. Seriously. I am only happy this Hari Raya because I get to spend it my way, with at least one daughter, and with beloved Wifey. The latter two have made this Hari Raya extremely meaningful.

But what’s with the title?

On the second day of Hari Raya, Wifey and I are already feeling bored to death and long to go back to KL or JB…wherever we can be together without having to think about people visiting or visiting people.

Anyway, back to Hari Raya. We kicked off Hari Raya day by hanging out at the Old Town White Coffee outlet at Taman Banang on the way to Bukit Pasir with Wifey’s brothers, Uda and Shah. We had lots of stuff including Ipoh Hor Fun Noodles.

Wifey and Shah
Wifey and youngest brother, Shah

Uda and I
Uda and I

Hana playing mobile phone games
Hana playing mobile phone games

The next morning was for visiting relatives, sending Raya goodies to uncles and aunts and so on. Tiring first day because it was a long one.

Hana and Wifey
Hana and Wifey

Wifey and I
Wifey and I

Wifey at her aunt's place
Wifey in raya mode at her uncle’s place

At her uncle's place
At her uncle’s place

Hana and Medina
Hana and Medina at Wifey’s aunt’s place

I whacked more ketupat and rendang later that night while everyone else was asleep. I just had to eat things until I got sick of raya foodies so I can go back to normal.

And today, the second day, Wifey, Hana and I, went to look for normal food. We had lunch at the Landmark Hotel.

Happy to have lunch
Happy to have lunch

Wifey at the Landmark Hotel
Wifey at the Landmark Hotel

Hana and her milk shake
Hana and her milk shake

So, that was how we spent our Hari Raya in a day, and bored ourselves to death with the usual Hari Raya fun.

Can’t wait to get home.