Racing Stripes

I have been so engulfed in work, firefighting here and there, and I know I will be doing so for at least another month before I would be able to take a breather. For more than a month, I have butterfingers, my concentration just about gone that I am unable to fathom what was said to me by anyone at all. Fatigue has taken its toll and my car has suffered for it. As I drove out of the basement parking lot, I slammed the side into a post, damaging the bumper. Eyda, a friend of the wife, told me to think of it as racing stripes. However, I am more inclined to think of the speeding tickets I’d receive, and the ones I’ll be receiving as my racing stripes. The only consolation I get after being burnt-out for the day is my wife’s cooking, or the things she makes me eat. It is almost an inconceivable thought that there are women who cannot cook.

Unfortunately, there are.

I had an ex who cannot cook at all. She can eat like a mammoth, but she was hopeless even at frying eggs. She would rather put her aunt through the trouble of cooking what she likes to eat, have them packed into a Tiffin carrier, and sent over to our house. With my horrible cooking skills, I would seem like Gordon Ramsay put next to her.

This is a busy world that we live in. Wives no longer assume just the responsibility of looking after the household – doing household chores; but women also go to work to supplement the household income (or to have more of their own money to shop so no one can say anything). Cooking is just another item on the long list of household chores that need to be done in a hurry each day after work. However, this applies only to those who can cook. What about those who can’t?

Female ineptitude in the kitchen, or a female being totally devoid of culinary skills are the results of upbringing or attitude towards cooking. Or perhaps, there is something intrinsic about it all. Fear of failure could be one – oh, what fun is it to be ridiculed by the mother-in-law, or the husband? But good cooks are those who take risks and learn from their failures! It’s part of Life’s 101! It is easy for me to dish out nasty male criticisms, but these women ought to know that to win a man’s heart is through the stomach! And if you have children, you want them to remember something about you, something for them to miss when you’re gone. I’m sure you would rather have them miss your cooking than be glad you’re gone because you were such a hopeless cook. And never mind being a plank in bed. If you’re a superb cook, he will come back to you every night and not stray away. Of course, if you are that dream-slut of his, you not only have him through his stomach, but have him by his balls too! Literally!

You can try dismiss this by saying, “Ah, I’m going to order takeaway/delivery every night from the most expensive restaurant” or “I’ll just turn gay and not marry or have kids.” But let me tell you this, I have a gay female friend who can cook and prepare food better than some wives I know. And I do cook once in a while, my style. At least every time I receive feedback on how crappy my cooking tastes, I’ll just cook the same thing again until I get it perfect. Let me tell you this, seeing the wife and kids enjoy my cooking is like eating two kilos of the best dish straight from the wok. And mind you, this is the father to seven children doing the cooking.

So, for you women out there who can’t cook, you will lose a lot. And you definitely have not earned your “racing stripes.”