Category: What da f***!!

Some may remember this posting of mine some time back in April 2010. I have not flown on Air Asia since.

This now is the Christmas week, and all flights to Kota Kinabalu is full. I had to fly to Kota Kinabalu via Kuching today on Malaysia Airlines. As most would know, Malaysia Airlines has also entered the low fare warfare by allowing people to choose their flights according to how much the fare costs, but providing meals and other services as part of the package (you have to pay for everything extra on Air Asia). As a result, now everyone can fly on Malaysia Airlines as well. I suppose you can imagine the nightmare now.

My flight from Kuala Lumpur to Kuching was rather uneventful. I traveled Business Class, good meal, comfy seat, and upon arrival in Kuching, went to town to have lunch with my wife’s cousins. The second leg of my journey was where the nightmare happened.

I was booked on seat 15D. That is an aisle seat. As I approached my seat, I saw a man sitting in it, reading a newspaper. Next to him was a cow I assumed is his wife. The window seat was occupied by her massive handbag. I smiled to the man and said, “Excuse me, this is my seat.”

He looked at me blankly, then went back to reading his newspaper. Then the flight attendant came and asked me what was the matter. I showed her my boarding pass stub and pointed to her that my seat was being occupied. The flight attendant then asked the man to move back to his seat, which was the center seat, and his cow of a wife, the window seat. They reluctantly moved back to the respective seat, and soon after the plane took off, I fell asleep.

Some ten minutes later, I felt someone elbowing my ribs. It was the irritating man again. He, too, was asleep, but had his elbows take not just the space on the arm rest, but a quarter of my seat’s space. Mind you he’s a skinny bastard, and I was sure there was more than enough room for him to sit comfortably in his seat without having to intrude into my space. So, I nudged his elbow back. He didn’t even flinch.

Mealtime came and the flight attendant woke them both up. The man ate real quick, like that was his first meal of the day at 5pm. The cow that was probably his wife ate like a pig – literally, eating the fruits straight from the fruit tray pushed into her face. When she finished her drink, she stole her husband’s, causing the husband to repeatedly press the button to call the flight attendant, who was still busy serving others, for more drinks.

If you think that that was how gross they were, think again. As I ate my Tomyam Fish, the husband took out the plastic coffee stirrer and started sticking it into his ear, twirled it around, took it out to have a look, wiped it on the flight’s newspaper meant for other passengers to read as well, then stuck the damned thing back in.

And I was STILL EATING!

Then, he stuck the damned stirrer into the seat pocket! Just when I thought he was done with his antiques, HE STARTED TO PICK HIS NOSE AND FLICKED HIS FINGERS! I had had enough and told him off! Was he bothered? NO!!!! He just kept going! Then when the turbulence got worse, he gripped his guaranteed-sticky-with-booger fingers on the arm rest next to me!

Around 20 minutes later we landed. And the aircraft had to wait for the ground staff to ready the aerobridge. The lead attendant had already announced to the passengers that they should remain seated. Hell, no! This couple had to stand up and tried to remove their carry-on luggage from the overhead compartment – RIGHT ABOVE MY HEAD!. I had had enough this time:

DUDUK LA BODOH!

The flight attendant got up and looked my way. Then, a few more voices from the back seats were heard saying virtually the same thing to these idiots.

They sat quietly – and when I left my seat later, they were still seated.

An earlier article on the same matter was written in 2007.

Sani Express accident near Ipoh Selatan Toll Plaza in December 2009

Some time after 7.30pm, Sunday, 19th December 2010, my uncle and aunt drove back home towards Kuala Lipis on the Benta-Kuala Lipis road. After taking a bend, they noticed a little too late that there was a car ahead of them that was straddling the road after skidding. They hit the car, and in turn were hit by two other cars behind them. My uncle suffered a broken sternum and two of his ribs that punctured both his lungs, and caused his heart to swell to twice its normal size. He is now fighting for his life on a life-support machine in the Temerloh Hospital.

My aunt on the other hand, suffered only bruises and shock.

She wore a seat-belt, he did not.

That made the difference.

As we stood near his hospital bed, my Berry beeped and I saw a newsflash on the tour bus accident near Simpang Pulai that killed 27 people including 24 Thais and 3 Malaysians, and injured 10 other Thais on their way to the KL International Airport from the Cameron Highlands. Just when I thought that 15 dead near Pedas on 10-10-10 was bad, this had to be the worst.

The Pedas-Simpang Ampat bus that crashed on 10-10-10

A total of 1.27 million people die each year around the world due to road accidents. That comes down to 3500 average deaths per day and 150 average deaths per hour. Between 20 to 50 million people suffer from injuries as a result of road accidents. And 90% of these figures occur in low and middle income countries. In short, road accidents IS a pandemic, albeit one that is often ignored.

According to WHO’s Global Status Report on Road Safety published in 2009, deaths caused by road accidents by age around the world in 2004 are as follows:

Ages 0 – 4 years: rank #14 (#1 – perinatal causes)
Ages 5 – 14 years: rank #2 (#1 – lower respiratory infections)
Ages 15-29 years: rank #1
Ages 30-44 years: rank #3 (#1 – HIV/AIDS)
Ages 45-69 years: rank #8 (#1 – Ischaemic heart disease)
Ages 70 above : rank #20 (#1 – Ischaemic heart disease)

In total, road accidents rank 10th on the leading causes of deaths worldwide.

In Malaysia, out of a population of 27,730,000 in 2009, we had 6.527 road fatalities. In the same year, we had 17,626,411 registered vehicles on the road. In 2008, our fatality per 10,000 vehicles stand at slightly below 4 while the benchmark is 2 fatalities per 10,000 cars. In the same year, our deaths per 100,000 population is at 24 while the benchmark is 10 per 100,000.

In 2009 and 2010, special operations were conducted by various agencies especially during the festive seasons. In a particular study of commercial buses from 39 companies plying the southern highways, of 154 trips made, only 35% had two drivers for long trips. Many companies installed anti-glare films, had drivers wearing uniform, had fire extinguishers on board, and each driver had a rest after four hours of driving.

However, a high percentage of drivers did not use seat-belts although it is mandatory (I bet you did not know of this mandatory requirement), quite a large percentage also did not have seat-belts for drivers and passengers. Only 20% provided seat-belts for passengers.

Out of 50 samples, 47 were using handphone while driving, 8 were overtaking dangerously, 30 tailgated, 1 was sleepy, and 20 performed harsh braking.

Average speed of those samples was 114km/h, maximum speed was 134km/h when their maximum allowed speed on highways is 90km/h.

As I ponder on the needless and senseless deaths of the bus passengers, wondering when will the government finally say “enough is enough and not bow down to pressure from the Association of Bus Owners, an express bus that belongs to a company my father once chaired overtook me on the highway as I was doing 110km/h.

Another nut behind the wheel.

Bibik.

Ada susah, tak ada pun susah.

Sejak aku hidup bersendirian ni aku rasa aku dah ada 5 bibik. Bibik yang second last dengan yang sekarang ni la yang boleh buat aku gila. Bibik yang second last tu kira macam harta pusaka la…diturunkan dari satu generasi ke satu generasi yang lain. Budak-budak takut dengan dia. In a way, bagus la kan. Ada disiplin sikit budak-budak tu. Yang tak bagusnya, semua benda nak kena ikut cara dia. Kalau tak ikut, dia punya masam tu mengalahkan asam paling masam. So, bagus jugak dia belah. Yang tak bagusnya sebelum dia belah, dia sempat mencopet beberapa barangan kitorang dalam rumah ni termasuklah seluar dalam Marks and Spencer aku yang masih dalam plastik, belum berbuka. Mahal tu aku beli. Satu hari, beberapa minggu lepas bibik tu belah, aku pun nak pencenkan seluar dalam aku yang dah lama, yang getah dah loose, yang kalau jalan 5 langkah getah seluar dalam tu akan berada di bawah telur aku. Aku pun buanglah semua tu. Sekali nak pakai boleh tak ada seluar dalam! Puas aku mencari kat tempat yang aku simpan. Tak wujud. Memang kimak la babi sekor tu. Aku sumpah dia kena langgar dengan lori babi kat kampung dia.

Dapatlah kami bibik baru. Budak-budak suka dia. Budak-budak suka dia sebab dia ni kalau jadi calon bertanding pilihanraya, budak-budak akan undi dia. Dia kasi aje budak-budak ni buat ikut suka diorang. So, dari rejim kuku besi, budak-budak ni sekarang macam kambing gersang terlepas kandang. Isteri aku yang dulu marah budak macam nak memujuk kucing suruh makan, sekarang ni dah pandai bawak hanger baju.

Sebelum dia sampai dulu, isteri aku dengan penuh semangat buat jadual kerja untuk bibik yang bakal tiba. Hari apa pukul berapa apa yang patut dibuat dan sebagainya. Kesian aku tengok isteri aku bertungkus-lumus buat benda tu.

RUPA-RUPANYA DIA BUTA HURUF!!!

Bibik ni ada sikit perangai alien. Aku tak pernah bersembang dengan dia sebab bila dia bukak mulut dia, aku langsung tak faham apa dia cakap. Aku ingatkan aku sorang je yang tak faham apa dia cakap. Rupa-rupanya masa Hari Raya hari tu aku bawak dia ke rumah mak bapak aku untuk nak tolong-tolong, bibik-bibik kat sana pun tak faham apa dia cakap. Boleh? Aku cuma faham satu benda aje yang dia cakap:

OR-CARE!

Itu OKAY versi bibik. Cuma disebut dengan penuh kegirangan, dan senyaring bunyi wisel keretapi arang.

Semua pun dia OR-CARE. Kalau cakap kat dia, “Bibik, nanti sebelum naik kunci semua pintu, ya?” Dia akan jawab, “OR-CARE!” Malam nanti masa turun ke dapur, haram satu pintu pun tak berkunci. Esok tu aku suruh la isteri aku tegur dia pasal benda tu. “OR-CARE!” dia jawab. So malam tu memang tidur nyenyak la sebab pintu semua berkunci. Malam keesokannya, pintu depan tak berkunci. So tegur lagi, dia kasi jawapan yang sama. So malam tu bila check memang berkunci. Tapi pintu dapur pulak yang tak berkunci! Bila aku beritahu suruh kunci semua pintu malam-malam, memang semuanya berkunci. TINGKAP PULAK YANG TAK BERKUNCI!!! Siap ternganga luas! Nasib baik la aku turun malam sebab dengar bunyi kereta kuat kat bawah.

Satu petang tu, masa balik dari kerja, isteri aku tengok pintu depan ternganga. Bila masuk ke rumah, satu manusia pun tak ada. Rupanya, dia bawak budak-budak tu pergi main kat taman! So isteri aku pun tegur dia bila balik. Suruh dia bawak kunci rumah bila keluar ke taman dengan budak-budak tu. Esok tu, bila balik, memang dia bawak kunci rumah ke taman. TAPI PINTU DEPAN TETAP TERNGANGA!!!!

Kalau engkorang baca ni tak rasa tension, aku tak tahu la.

Bibik ni pun ada emo jugak. Kalau kena tegur, memang macam drama TV3. Ada satu hari tu aku tegur dia pasal dah dekat pukul 9 malam baru mengaku barang dapur dah habis. Itu pun lepas isteri aku tengok dalam peti ais tu macam boleh letak almari dan meja makan sebab kosong betul. Esok tu, dia punya emo, bila aku nak keluar, aku nampak dia buka pintu depan tu sikit tunggu nak tutup gate, sambil tersandar di pintu macam scene drama melayu bila makcik kecewa dan segala cipap yang sewaktu dengannya. Sandar yang kedua belah tangan di belakang, tapak tangan tekap kat dinding atau pintu, dengan muka seposen yang paling cipet dalam dunia.

Malam ni, isteri aku tension dengan dia. Sebab? Sebab dia buat dadih untuk pencuci mulut. Dadih tu, kalau hantar kat lab, asingkan balik bahan-bahan dia, boleh dapat gula sebulan punya stok. MANIS MELEKIT!!! Isteri aku tanya dia masa buat dadih tu rasa ke tidak? Dia kata dia rasa. Macam mana dia rasa? begini ceritanya:

“1) Mula-mula buat dadih.

2) Rasa. Maka, rasanya tawar (MEMANGLAH TAWAR! SEBAB TAK ADA GULA DALAM MIXTURE DIA!)

3) So dia masukkan SATU GELAS GULA. GELAS OR-CARE? BUKAN CAWAN!

4) Lepas masuk, rasa lagi sekali dan pada dia masih tawar (DIA TAK KACAU!)

5) Masukkan SATU GELAS LAGI GULA!

Memang kitorang tak kasi budak-budak tu makan. Kalau tak malam ni sure ada yang lompat katil, atau angkat kereta aku letak kat luar sebab sugar-rush!

Hari tu, budak-budak demam. Isteri aku pun carilah ubat demam kat dalam peti ais. Tak jumpa. So, bibik ni, dengan penuh semangat bantulah isteri aku carikan ubat demam. So, dia pun bawakanlah satu botol ni kat isteri aku.

Bibik: “Yang ini ya?”

Isteri Aku: “Itu Essence of Vanilla la Bik.”

Lepas tu dia datang kembali dengan satu kotak berisi botol.

Bibik: “Yang ini ya?”

Mengeluh panjang isteri aku.

Ada ke patut TABASCO yang dia bawak?

Macam mana aku nak buat lagi? Engkorang nak suruh aku tukar dia dengan bibik lain? Engkorang kena ingat – dia ni boleh menang pilihanraya kalau budak-budak boleh mengundi.

Oh, dan dia sangat pemalu.

Katanya.

Tengok la gambar kat bawah ni macam mana dia posing bila kitorang ajak dia ambik gambar sama-sama.

Malu-malu kambing, kau!

OR-CARE????

I am so accustomed to people not being friendly here in Malaysia (by my standards) and not polite. If you hold the door open for them, they would just walk past you and not even attempt to hold the door after you, as if it is your job to hold the door open for them and their entourage. Hardly anyone says “thank you” be it from the service staff, or the customers themselves. If you want to order something at most restaurants, most of the time you’d see the waiters/waitresses chatting and not looking, or pretend that they can’t see you. And if you do get their attention their attitude is more often than not they give you the “why the hell are you here ordering me around and if you don’t like me then get out of this place” look.

This morning as I walked to the lift lobby, I caught the female security guard smiling at me, greeting me, “Selamat Pagi!” while the male guard had this wide smile on his face. I returned the greeting and smiled back. Then a guy approached the same lift door as I, and even he had this smile on his face. The moment I got into the lift with him, he looked at me and smiled.

I mustered a smile but it must have looked insincere, plus the puzzled look I probably had on my face. I turned slightly to my left and started feeling my fly in case my zipper was undone.

I’ve had that experience before. There was this time more than 5 years ago that everyone smiled at me all the way to the car park. When I sat down in the driver’s seat of my car did I realise that my zipper was undone. It was open wide.

The guy exited the lift at Level X, and I saw the sign on the wall that says the building management’s office is located on this floor.

No wonder everyone was so polite.

Or maybe it was still early in the morning and I have never been to office this early.