Category: What da f***!!

Posted on

Akhir Sebuah Impian

Kata orang tua-tua, perempuan yang mengandung tujuh bulan atau lagi lewat dari tu sepatutnya dah tak memborong macam mengandung empat bulan. Bukan tak boleh pergi shopping, tapi janganlah berjalan ala-ala Maria Tunku Sabri yang jalan-jalan cari makan dan makan-makan sebab dia tak mengandung. Jadinya tak ada komplikasi. Ini nanti urat ni tarik, urat tu tarik, badan nak pakai lama lagi. Ye lah…suami yang nak pakai…jadi kena la tahan lama.

Harga minyak dah naik. Dulu kita sedap menghabiskan duit sendiri dan duit PETRONAS, sekarang ni payback time. Kereta aku tu kalau dulu RM10 boleh pergi 40km, sekarang tinggal 24km aje. Seluar dalam yang aku beli 3 untuk RM10 sekarang akan jadi 3 untuk RM14, atau pun 1.8 seluar dalam untuk RM10. Roti canai banjir yang 80 sen lepas ni akan jadi RM1.20 sekeping. Kena pulak yang tukang kira tak reti cakap melayu kecuali “roti kosong” “teh tarik” “maggi goreng“…mesti jadi RM1.40 sekeping. Nak salahkan kerajaan pun benda ni global. Memang dah tak tertepis dah. Cuma aku harapkan apa jua savings dari pengurangan subsidi ni akan diterjemahkan kepada pembangunan sekata dan sistem pengangkutan awam yang lebih baik. Kalau tak boleh jugak, perkenalkan semula Bas Mini Wilayah.

Kengkadang risau jugak bila harga minyak naik. Semua harga barangan akan naik juga. Semua dah mula bercerita nak tukar minyak kereta kepada NGV, ada yang tertanya-tanya boleh tak pisahkan H2 dari H2O untuk hydrogen fuel cells. Aku rasa lagi memanafaatkan ialah satu sistem yang boleh memisahkan urea kepada fuel cells. Aku, mungkin Liverpool Babe dan Gombak4Life juga tidak mempunyai masalah untuk mengisi tangki kereta. Sendiri boleh produce. Mungkin kitorang boleh share duit buka stesen minyak sendiri. Siapkan makanan aje. Tahun 2005 dulu University of Ohio dah buat research pasal tahi lembu untuk dijadikan bahan minyak.

Aku boleh bayangkan dah jutawan-jutawan kampung yang membela lembu. Tahi buat minyak (minyak taik, bukan taik minyak), yang bujang tak ada girlfriend boleh guna dulu lembu betina, susu dapat, daging boleh jual kat penjual daging untuk Yummy Baby buat burger untuk Burger Night yang akan datang, ekor buat sup, mata dengan otak boleh kasi kat Glaucoma Monkey untuk dibuat transplant – itulah akibat kecik-kecik tak nak belajar berbudi bahasa dan kuat sangat melancap. Lembu punya torpedo? Buat sup la. Unless kalau engkorang rasa koter engkorang tak cukup power dan nak buat transplant jugak macam Glaucoma Monkey.

Gombak4Life pun sarankan agar bot-bot diving semua tukar kepada NGV jugak jadi kos diving tak tinggi. Aku rasa baik angin dalam tank diving tu pun tukar ke NGV.

Nasib baik la rumah dan kereta dah dibayar habis. Aku tak risau sangat. Cuma yang nak kena buat sekarang ialah untuk nak kumpul balik duit. Jadi kalau engkorang nampak ada mamat rupa macam aku main gitar atau berjalan bertongkat berspec hitam warna biru dan membawak tissue di Uptown, engkorang buat tak tahu ajelah. Nak cari side income.

Dah bertambah risau aku…adakah yuran kencing di Uptown akan dinaikkan dari 30 sen kepada 42 sen?

Posted on

Dalam Banyak-Banyak Benda Yang Dah Aku Hilang, Mindaku Adalah Yang Paling Aku Rindui

5.15 pagi dah aku masih berjegil mata dalam kamar yang gelap ini sambil dilayan lagu-lagu yang menyeramkan dari This Mortal Coil. Aku masih ragu-ragu sama ada aku akan memerlukan sebuah peta untuk membantuku melalui liku-liku hidup.

5.22 pagi dan persoalan yang bermain di dalam kepala ku makin bertambah. Aku mula diserang dengan soalan-soalan pelik seperti:

“Kalau semua negara dalam dunia ni berhutang, mana pergi semua duit?”

“Siapa yang kurang bernasib baik kena test makanan anjing tatkala ianya bakal diiklankan sebagai mempunyai New Improved Taste?”

“Siapa mamat yang mempunyai copyright kepada simbol Copyright?”

“Kenapa orang selalu kata kat aku, “Bro, you’ve been working like a dog” walhal aku tengok anjing jiran aku makan, tidur, makan, tidur aje?”

“Kalau aku kena amnesia, lepas tu ingatan aku pulih, aku ingat tak yang aku kena amnesia sebelum tu?”

“OK tu mnatang apa? OK tu singkatan untuk apa?”

“Kenapa burung boleh tidur atas dawai telefon tapi tak jatuh?”

“Kumbang jenis Ladybird kalau yang jantan kita nak panggil dia apa?”

“Kalau aku bergerak pada kelajuan lebih laju dari bunyi, aku dengar tak kalau aku pasang radio?”

“Ikan tak pernah rasa dahaga ke berenang tak berhenti?”

“Kalau aku bergerak laju dari kelajuan cahaya, lepas tu aku pasang lampu. Aku akan nampak lampu atau tidak?”

5.33 pagi dan aku rasa aku takkan dapat jawapan-jawapan yang aku cari. Aku rasa baik aku ke dapur dan masak Maggi.

Posted on

Sometimes It Refuses…

I was at Holiday Plaza this afternoon when I felt the urge to go.

Yes, go!

I paid 20 sen to the “caretaker” (I don’t know if this 70-year old guy is the caretaker or just the toll collector for the many burly tattooed chinese men that go from shop to shop first thing in the morning probably collecting protection money from tenants) and went in, and chose the cleanest booth to do my job.

Having done the job, I flushed. The damned thing refused to go. I flushed again. Still it refused to go. I was pretty sure I have not had anything heavy like One-Tonne Noodle for breakfast as I had had Lontong Kering at Larkin with Giant Otter. I had to employ the help of the pipe to blast it at its base before attacking it by flushing it again. This time, reluctantly but not without a fight, it was successfully flushed.

I must have had a heavy breakfast!

Sigh!

This posting was made with the understanding that shit is cleaner than politics.

Posted on

Dr M Quits UMNO

Tun Dr Mahathir - The Star

BREAKING NEWS:

Tun Dr Mahathir announced at 12.35pm (an hour and a minute ago) that he has quit UMNO.

Posted on

Ever Wondered?

1. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

2. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist,
but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

3. Why are wise men and wise guys opposites?

4. If people from Poland are called Poles,
why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

5. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?

6. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

7. Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?

8. Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a near
miss? Shouldn’t it be called a near hit?

9. Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

10. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a
shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?

11. Why is it called a TV set when you only get one?

12. Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

13. Why does an alarm clock go off when it begins ringing?

14. Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

15. Why is it called a building when it is already built?

16. Why do they call them apartments when they are all stuck together?

17. Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

18. How can someone draw a blank?

19. Why are they called stands when they’re made for sitting?

20. How do you know it’s an ENDLESS LOOP?

Posted on

Jejaka Kepala Batu

Hari ni aje dua cerita yang menggoncang telor.

Mula-mula Keng Yaik kata BN teruk haari tu pasal ada beberapa tokoh UMNO yang menyombong dan sebagainya. Yang kedua, amaran daripada ahli-ahli parlimen Sabah mengenai nak cabut lari masuk PR.

Kalau Jejaka Kepala Batas masih lagi buta dan tuli serta bodoh sombong, maka pada penghujung tahun ini kita akan ada kerajaan pusat yang baru. Ahli-ahli parlimen Sabah masih tak puas hati sebab Jejaka Kepala Batas masih tidak banyak berganjak dari kedudukan asalnya dan mungkin masih mempercayai bahawa ancaman keluar parti oleh ahli-ahli parlimen Sabah hanyalah khayalan belaka, sepertimana dia berkahayal mengenai kemenangan BN semasa PRU-12.

Berhentilah wahai bodoh! Cukup la dengan kebodohan dan kesombongan engkau tu. Letak jawatan elok-elok, kasi orang lain cuba memperbetulkan parti. Macam mana engkau nak betulkan parti sedangkan engkau memang tak betul dari sejak azali lagi?

Memanglah Jejaka Kepala Batas ni nak kena tukar nama kepada Jejaka Kepala Batu.

Bodoh nak mampus!

Posted on

New Song, Old Mentality

UMNO revealed a new anthem yesterday during the celebration of its 62nd anniversary. In his speech, Pak Lah as party president asked every member to fight for the cause of not only the malays, but of the other races as well.

Timely? I don’t think. But it is better late than never. This statement is applicable to all political parties and politicians.

Politicians represent their respective political party when they are with the party. They put forward the party’s ideology, and in the manner of direct selling, the one who sells better, gets more customers. Political parties, like multi-level marketing or direct-selling companies, have to sell their product (ideas). The only difference is the winning political party gets to form a government, be it at state or the federal level. Once they form a government, then they no longer represent a party, but they become the servants of, not just those who elected them, but also those who live within the jurisdiction of their executive powers. I purposely added the word ‘executive’ there to remind all that that is all the power does. To execute the mandate and trust of the people; not to become powerful.

Pak Lah talks about the relevance of UMNO to the malays; to me Pak Lah is still in a state of denial, that is my humble opinion. Many of the malays who form a bulk of UMNO members, and those who voted for UMNO, voted against UMNO during the last general elections. Sincerely, Pak Lah has to step down. There should not be any talk of power transfer to a deputy. Let the party members decide that. Pak Lah should remember that the central working committee and the members of the working committee, are all administering the party on behalf of the members: the party is not some monarchical institution where democracy does not exist – and denigrating those who do not conform to the “norm” or “mainstream” should not be allowed in the party. It is better, as I have been saying since 2004, for me and other non-conformists to dissent within the party, than to do so without. But dissenting does not mean one is against the party; it only means that as a member of the party, I exercise my democratic right to speak out – and that my views should be looked at seriously, not in the negative manner, not to be scoffed, but to be taken in point to be included in the whole general discussion.

Today, YAB Tuan Lim Guan Eng, the Chief Minister of Pulau Pinang, has announced that a senior Penang UMNO member, have agreed to hold an office as appointed by the State Government. Seriously, like in the case of former VP of Gerakan, Datuk Lee Kah Choon, this should not be looked at negatively. One of the reason people vote is for the betterment of things – improving of things, a better way of life. I fail to understand why did the leadership of the BN, Gerakan in particular, had to view this appointment so negatively. When the BN had the chance to play a role, to be represented in a state it lost badly, it chose to remain incalcitrant and become a sore loser, by asking Kah Choon to toe the line or face party punishment. Kah Choon probably thought of the best for the people of Penang and carried on with accepting the appointment, and had to resign from Gerakan in order to be able to work.

Let me just ask a question: what about those thousands of BN supporters, office holders, who now work in the various state governments’ agencies, especially in those 5 states now controlled by PR? Do they have to give up their job? Or should they, too, resign from the party?

Wake up! If we want to serve the people, it doesn’t matter where or on which platform, as long as there is a legitimate platform where we can channel aid and development to the people at large. Working with a PR-held government does not mean that you are a traitor to the party. You are only a traitor if you leave your party and join the opposition, or if you work with the opposition against your party. We must always recognise that the states’ government of Penang, Kedah, Kelantan, Perak and Selangor, are all chosen by the people. Now that they are there, they no longer represent the party, as the people have chosen them to work for the people. The government is by the people, for the people – if you have forgotten historical quotes that is.

Pak Lah should really go. Now…not later. Let members of the party decide the path the party should take, and whether rehabilitation of the party is to take place, it should be decided by its members. How can there be talk of succession when party elections is around the corner? It can only mean that people, the party presidents and the sycophants have refused to acknowledge reality, and is still of want of power to cling on to. Why?

I cringed when I cast my votes on March 8th; luckily for me, my candidates of choice are all from MCA, knowing that if the BN won then, certain buffoons and their cohorts would be gloating and bragging even more.

In a way, I am glad BN got the punishing, and those chosen to administer UMNO (they are not leaders – they are just administrators as given in a proviso of the UMNO constitution) on behalf of its members have only themselves to be blamed – not the party members.

MPs, ADUNs – you are our servants. You jump when we tell you to.

Don’t you ever forget that!

Posted on

In Conjunction With MIHAS 2008 – An Extraordinary Thing

Nasi Lemak Changi Airport - The Age, Australia

This is a different entry. This is a food review for the benefit of my non-Muslim friends.

If you like damn cun nasi lemak, you must try this one in Section 17 PJ. The place is called Restoran Lam Kong and you can find it at C4, Jalan 17/13, Petaling Jaya. It opens only at night, but its killer nasi lemak is served with pork rendang. Hoe sek ah!. They also have western food like lamb chop about RM10 or less.

However, since I cannot eat lamb, I’ll just talk about the nasi lemak lor! This one die-die oso must try one! I tell you, you kanna one time sure you wan summore.

Posted on

Lagu 3 Kupang

Manneken Pis
Piss

Peeing: the act of excreting urine from the body system.

There is that sense of relief once urine has been passed. You no longer have that added urgency that was suddenly added into your routine, and almost always at critical times. Alan Shepard Jr had had to pee in his spacesuit after his first flight into space was delayed by some technical uncertainties. Adult diapers were not there yet for NASA’s astronauts to use.

How many of you have peed in your pants or knickers after the age of 18?

Oh, own up, people!

There was a time when I almost peed in my pants. This was in Hong Kong, and I was caught in the channel tunnel in my limo heading out from the island towards my hotel in Kowloon, on the mainland; and I had just had 16 mugs of pure orange juice sans ice without going to the toilet. After lunch, I went back to my hotel in Kowloon via the channel tunnel that links Hong Kong island to Kowloon on the mainland – and was caught in lunch-hour traffic. I remember struggling to tell my body to hold back that 16 mugs of fresh orange juice firmly in the bladder. After 20 minutes I began to wonder if the driver could smell my urine if I peed inside the limo. Common sense prevailed and I held on, agonisingly, and ran straight to the hotel’s washroom at the lobby without closing the limo door.

Holding back your pee can be disastrous if you suffer from Rhinitis like I do. There I was, rushing to the gents. As I stood in front of the urinal and fingers fumbling with the zipper, the sudden change in temperature from cold to warm, caused me to sneeze. KABOOM! Wet the front of my pants a bit.

Peeing can also be painful. I had had my renal stones removed via a procedure called Ureteroscopy. Basically, it is an intrusive procedure. First, after knocking you out with General Anaesthetic, they stick a guide wire through the dick’s little hole, through the urethra and into the ureter. Then they stick in a Ureteroscope and grasp the smaller stones into a basket, and pull them out of the ureter. For the bigger stone, they actually used electrohydraulic lithotripsy. Sounds complicatingly technical? You must wonder how on earth can all that go through the dick’s opening. Well, at least someone knows why my dick’s girth is big la.

So why is that painful? When I came to, I had the biggest headache, I was disorientated because of the after effects of a GA, and because of all that water that was pumped into my bladder, I felt like I wanted to pee. My lower back ached like hell. I stood by the toilet bowl and tried to pee. Initially, there was nothing. Then there was a kind of blowback, maybe because of the Double-J stent they had left inside my ureter to keep it from swelling shut after the procedure. Imagine all that urine blowing back inside…painful! Then as it passes through the urinary tract, down to the dick, the dick already had cuts inside…arrghh…burning sensation…then I hold my urine back…another blowback. And it wasn’t just urine. Because of the wound, I was also peeing blood…lots of it. Frothing blood filled the toilet bowl, and I was moaning in pain, my hands squeezed whatever I could grab hold of, just to overcome the excruciating pain. For more than a week I was peeing blood.

Two weeks after the procedure, they repeated the process to remove the Double-J stent. Painful…painful. At least someone’s benefiting from the pain I had to go through. Hahaha!

And if you are in a public area, like a mall, do carry enough coins with you to pay for ‘toilet fee’. I had one 20-sen coin and thought it was enough for me. Then when my bladder was threatening to burst, I rushed to the mall’s toilet, only to be refused entry by the Indon female gatekeeper because the fee was 30 sen. God! I did not realise that inflation has caused not only petrol and essential goods prices to go up, but the cost to take a leak as well? As I argued with this Indon, a fellow Indon male and two Bangla male colleagues of hers decided to turn up with menacing look on their faces. They looked a bit like that poster from the movie ‘Pendekar Bujang Lapok’ where Pendekar Mustar, Sudin, Ajis and Ramlee walked towards the camera in unison to confront Ahmad Nesfu and his cohorts. I wasn’t going to be bothered over a fee that costs ‘3 kupang’ (30 sen in Perakian), nor was I going to pee laughing looking at their facial expression.

So I rushed for the stairwell and peed behind the fire-resistant door. Those bujang lapoks can always mop the floor after.

At least I got to pee for free…