Category: What da f***!!

Everytime there is a major holiday in Malaysia, I would look forward to the PETRONAS TV adverts. I remember the ones with Rozie Rashid going back to her kampung, the Indian boy who went to the Stadium Merdeka to watch the proclamation of independence with his father, the “itu burung apa ayah?” raya advert of 2007 – tearjerkers all.

Looking at the raya ad for 2008, my lower jaw still has trouble moving upwards. I can see the message that PETRONAS was trying to put forward, in the raya spirit, but the storyline, dialogue, was, to put it in a subtle and polite manner – STUPID. Of course Maria Arshad would win hands-down as my friend, Gemgem’s favourite MILF (after his revelation last night over coffee).

Anyway, here is the advert that was shown on TV:

Now, what follows is my translation:

Man: “Sekkom, mak!”

Mak: “Man! Kau dah besar, nak! Dah nak raya ke ni yang engkau balik ni?”
Man: “Agaknya la mak. Man tengok semua orang balik, Man pun balik (dalam hati: bergetah lagi tetek minah ni…buat breast uplift ke?)

Man: “Mak tau, Man dah kerja dekat 15 tahun, tak cukup-cukup lagi duit nak beli wireless broadband dari CELCOM atau MAXIS. Jadi Man nak pinjam tepon mak nak download porn malam raya nih. Dah lama Man dalam hutan kat Pahang membalun ungka betina je.”
Mak: “Mak tak ada internet, Man. Sini mak tepon orang guna tin susu kosong dengan benang aje.”

Man: “Mak, bukan ke ini bilik mak? Takkan mak nak suruh Man tidur sini?”
Mak: “Kau dah besar, Man. Mak gersang sejak bapak kau lari dengan Mak Semah 5 tahun dulu dan putuskan wayar tepon rumah.”

Man: “Mak! Man bodoh la mak! Dah mak kata tepon rosak Man nak cari gak Internet!”
Mak: “Kau memang baghal macam bapak kau! Pergi la kat Rumah Tumpangan Ah Keong kat Lorong Haji Taib 4 tu. Kat situ mungkin dapat line.”

Man: “Aku memang baghal macam mak aku kata. Dah tau tepon dia rosak aku nak tepon dia jugak.”

Man: “Mak, mak pergi mana? Man dah horny banget ni asyik tengok porn kat pekan! Mak okay ke?”
Mak: “Mak ingat Man main dengan arboq di Chow Kit. Mak pun pergi la main kat bawah pokok ganja dengan Pak Sani engkau tu. Orang tengah terawih, tak ada orang nak kacau. Mesti la mak okay.”

Mak: “Lepas tu, mak kena jadi moreh untuk orang-orang yang balik dari surau dekat rumah penghulu Ajis.”
Man: “Takpe la mak. Man pun tak jumpa orang jual lemang tadi, Jadi malam ni mak makan aje la lemang Man punya.”

I cannot understand why can’t a son forget the Internet for just one bleedin’ night when obviously he hasn’t been back to his hometown in years as evident in the dialogue, he doesn’t even know if it was his mother’s room.

This is the advert that has the most “OKAY” in its dialogue, and most certainly have been a Telekom Malaysia-bashing advert.

Whoever’s the corporate branding person – he/she deserves to be shot.

Gambar romantik yang mencetuskan nafsu untuk menulis pada malam ini

Kepada Kekasihku Munah,

Aku masih ingat tatkala aku menatap wajah jelitamu di dalam sebuah majalah hiburan. Mukamu yang bulat bak tayar Goodyear dan celak yang menjadikan mata Gothic mu lebih mirip seekor Panda yang spastik telah menambat hatiku.

Pertemuan pertama kita membangkit berahi. Aku sedang duduk di kedai kopi Pak Mat tatkala kau masuk ke dalam kedai. Papan-papan lantai menjerit kesakitan dengan setiap langkah yang kau ambil. Bergegarnya dinding kayu kedai tersebut bertaut jarum di 8.9 di skala Richter.

Aku berpaling ke belakang. Dan aku terlihat wajahmu – putih bak tepung gomak, dengan gincu merah menyala seolah-olah kau baru sahaja mengucup tin cat kereta bomba Jalan Hang Tuah. Kaulah ratu di hatiku. Kaulah wanita paling jelita di dalam dunia ini. Kau secantik Angelina Jolie yang berumur 75 tahun dan 52 kilo lebih berat.

Setiap langkahmu…kulit-kulit dan lemak berlebihan di dalam tubuh mungilmu itu bergegar mengikut suatu sequence yang membangkitkan syahwatku.

Begitulah kau menghiasi pemandanganku…sepenuh-penuh frame, jelita, ayu…

…sehinggalah aku memakai cermin mata tebalku…

Notakaki: posting ini tidak ada hubungan dengan yang masih hidup, yang akan mati, dan yang telah mati.

It is no secret that I love to read when I am on the porcelain throne. I’d normally grab a magazine or a newspaper, and my session would be just fine; failing which, I will just grab a toothpaste tube, or a bottle of shampoo or shower gel and read every single fine print available just to make my toilet session an easy one.

Recently, I read a woman’s magazine belonging to Wifey, and almost spoiled the session because I laughed out loud. In the magazine is an article listing 31 ways to drive a man totally wild. The tagline said “Little tips for every day of the month that will make your husband a very happy man!” Let me list them down and tell you what I think of some of the items.

Place a silk scarf inside his briefcase with a little note that says, “You will need this later tonight in bed.”

And for what? Tell me, please.

Wear a daringly low-cut top, and during dinner “innocently” reach over for the salt.

We don’t have salt bottle on the table. Would sambal belacan do?

Sit on his lap during a party or an outdoor barbeque…and align your private parts with his.”

Depending on how mine is parked, it can be painful for me, and whenever Wifey sits on my lap, she’d jump roff right away because there’s always something hard poking at her butt – my wallet.

Give him a sensual chest massage.

I’ve got bad back. So I prefer a backrub to a chest massage. And if it’s good, I’d fall asleep right away. If it’s bad, I’ll just push it away.

Seduce him in the kitchen!

Hello, with so many things burning on the stove, not a good idea.

Tell him you need the car keys, then dip your hand in his front pocket and fish around for them.

I normally leave the car keys where it should be. I have a wallet, a hanky, two mobile phones, my Vicks inhaler and a dental floss in my pockets. Why would I want to add more deadweight?

Have a romp in a tight space.

My waistline is 42, for God’s sake!

Go for a morning jog together then pounce on him while you’re both still sweaty and breathing heavily.

Eeeeewww!

Admire him blatantly when he gets out of his morning shower. Whistle when he walks by you in the bedroom.

And I will go, “What a pervert!”

Write this on a notecard: I’M LUSTING FOR YOUR_________________ I WANT YOU TO TAKE MY ____________________ AND _____________________ WITH YOUR __________________. Pass it to him and ask him to fill in the blanks any way he wants.

I’M LUSTING FOR YOUR poems I WANT YOU TO TAKE MY notebook AND write WITH YOUR pen.

Call him slightly scandalous new nickname: Cowboy, Stallion, Lover.

I’ll holler back CHEE SIN.

Pinch his butt when he walks by.

Pervert.

Keep the door open while you shower…

And I’ll go, “Are you wearing a leather jacket in the shower, Honey?”

Gosh…what’s happened to spontaneity?

ERADICATE CORRUPTION!

Last night’s berbuka puasa was an eye-opener.

In fact, JB has been an eye-opener for me. I have been watching lots of characters here, and see some similarities with situations back in KL. Another eye-opener was in one of today’s daily about a child’s mishap, and a picture of the child and mother was depicted in the column.

One glance got me thinking, “How come this old mother has a young child?” A read later showed that she’s only 20 and a face of someone in the late 40’s. I can only think of one thing on the spur of a moment and that was: her husband had already achieved orgasm while she was just about to reach it when the husband rolls of her and said, “You buat sendiri lah!”

Hence that face.

I don’t understand how faces and characters can change after marriage. I have a lifetime friend who has more platinum on his hair than Michael Jackson’s discography. And all because of the way his wife treats him. He is only in that marriage still because of his children.

We had an impromptu gathering the other day with a friend we’ve not met since he got married to this horrendous looking woman because he was desperate to get married as age was catching up, and his wife was desperate to get someone ‘intelligent’. And that night, he was no longer his jovial self. He used to joke a lot with us but he doesn’t even smile anymore. Hardly. And his wife was the hijacker of conversations that night, wanting to intrude in every single thing we talked about, and would change topics as and when she pleases.

And another friend had just this comment to make about her after they had left. “What is wrong with his wife? She really has an attitude. And she looks like one of those orang asli women from kaum Margarita.”

I turned and looked at him. “You’re lucky you weren’t the intelligent one when she met him, otherwise she would have married you. And it’s Negrito! Margarita is a drink!”

He laughed. “Yeah, she would be uglier if she had had a glass of Margarita.”

I never thought I’d touch on politics again.

Ahmad Ismail’s gotten off with a 3-year membership suspension. Mild by my standards. He ought to have been kicked out of the party for uttering nonsense in a speech during the Permatang Pauh by-election.

51 years after we got our independence from the British, we are still looking at ourselves based on the colour of our skin, and the religion we embrace. Seriously, I do not understand how this ‘KeTuanan Melayu’ thing came about. I never heard of it when I was schooling. Nor can I understand the need for vernacular schools in Malaysia after 51 years. I can also not understand why do national schools have ‘doa selamat’ programs or have banners outside the schools saying, “Ya Allah! Berikanlah kami hidayah agar dapat melangsungkan peperiksaan UPSR dengan jayanya!” when there is not one banner for the followers of other religions who go to the same school. Why do some Sarawakians still refer to those from the Peninsular as ‘orang Malaya’ and why is ‘Sabah for Sabahans’?

What is wrong with Malaysia after 51 years?

For the life of me, Ahmad Ismail should be slapped with at least the Sedition Act against him, if not the ISA itself. Maybe because he ‘has the support of 13 Penang UMNO divisions’ that the party’s President daren’t do anything more than just rapping the former’s knuckle. That kind of speech should not even be allowed to exist after 13th May 1969.

The Malays can only become ‘Tuan’ if they play on level playing fields and succeed. As a malay who took not a single sen of the government’s money to study, and gave 9 years of his life serving and defending the country, I have the right to say this. The malays have become lazy, ultra-dependant on government subsidies and other assistance, that when you take away this lollipop, they get angry and cry foul. Seriously, they should also think of the taxpayers who are not just malays, and deserve the same chance in getting scholarships, places in universities, and what-nots. After almost four decades of being spoonfed, the malays should learn to crawl and subsequently walk on their own two feet.

Vernacular schools should be abolished if you want a successful Bangsa Malaysia. Vernacular schools are no different to race-based political parties. I would rather have the major languages spoken in Malaysia to be taught as subjects in the national schools so everyone can speak the same language. Therefore we will no longer find jobs adverts in the papers saying things like “Must be able to speak Mandarin.” How many malays and Indians speak Mandarin? On top of that, the Agama subject should also include other religions, to be learnt by ALL races. We should remember that God created us all differently so we can learn from each other; not fight each other. We can do the two (language and religion) without having to demote Bahasa Malaysia and Islam as the country’s official language and religion.

I love the statements made by the Chief of Armed Forces and the Deputy Inspector-General of Police, telling the government to take action against those who incite racial hatred through political statements. Read between the lines, people. It is almost 1983 again.

It is sad to see that after 51 years, we still maintain the mentality of the British colonialists – divide and rule. Somehow we have forgotten the shield, the coat-of-arms that we normally see. The one with the two tigers and that ribbon below saying: BERSEKUTU BERTAMBAH MUTU – UNITY IS STRENGTH. If we still look at ourselves as Malays, Indians, Chinese, Muslims, Christians, Hindus…we are doomed to fail.

Don’t tell me you have not been warned.

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