BFF – Best Friends Forever, Or, Butt-F***ing Foe?

Nisaa and Farhan asleep
My two best friends: my daughter Nisaa and my son Farhan, both occupy 80% of my bed. This is how they look like when they are not fighting.

Friend or Foe?
I want those who get to know me
to become admirers of my enemies

A friend confided in me yesterday afternoon: not only has her boyfriend’s dumped her for her best friend, her best friend is now bad mouthing her to their common friends. The worse part is they all come from the same organisation – therefore wherever they go they are bound to bump into one another, unless someone quits.

I don’t know what to tell her. She’s been going steady with this guy for a couple of years now; and that is now gone. She is angry, bitter – because her best friend stole him away, and he’s dumped her totally.

I have only one advice for her: move on. Forget him. He doesn’t deserve this friend of mine. No use dwelling over this petty issue. I know it is easier said than done, but this is the best that she can do. There is no point thinking of stupid people.

Some friends are like that. Some live happily spreading rumours about you, or someone who is close to you so that you and the other person this friend likes to talk about, will have a fall out. It gives pleasure in this kind of people that they are above you in the foodchain pyramid: knowing one ugly detail about you is like having opened your Pandora’s box. So your downfall is their happiness.

At least this friend of mine has a reason not to talk to any of the other two. Some can be bitter that you have moved on. Seriously. They break up with you, dump you without thinking twice, expect you to agree to their decision that somehow affects your life badly – but treat you as if they still own you. Then when you move on, they abandon you, and your new partner (especially if she knows your new partner personally). Some friend, huh! To cap that ugliness, some would even call up your ex to talk about your private life. Hey, hello! Which planet are you from? Ex means GONE! Nothing doing! Get a life or get a cucumber and use it on yourself. These are self-centered people who think the whole universe revolves around them. Maybe they get orgasm looking at their own shadow.

Talk about do you spell that? Exes? EX’s? Whatever. Some ex still think they own you. In a rather complex scenario, a friend, who is an Ex of someone who is an Ex of another, is still fighting a war with the other two Exs. Okay, that’s a little confusing. Let’s call this friend Ex-A; her ex we call Ex-M, while his other Ex we shall call her Ex-B. Why the odd letter arrangement? M is for male, while B comes after A. Ex-B recently sent an e-mail to ex-M about some gory details of what ex-A did. Question One: why should ex-M care about what ex-A does? She is his EX after all, right? But ex-M goes ballistics and shouts profanities at her. Silly billy. Question Two: why should ex-B even bother doing such a thing, unless she is sick from something she’s ingested over the years. We’ll come to that later.

This reminds me of Glaucoma Monkey who, almost three weeks ago, thought he still had some perverted rights over his ex. I had to whack him to make him understand the reality. Maybe that is the only way for people to understand things – give them a good whacking.

EXs are supposed to remain friends; you have both shared something through the years, or months. But like some friends, EXs can be a pain in the rear. I treat my EXs like friends, but they take advantage of my soft stance towards them. I won’t elaborate here as I have written enough about them in the past. Suffice to say that I am cutting them some long slack and hope they hang themselves soon.

In a related development, there are three common friends. Friend A and Friend B play hockey, but Friend C is a footballer. When Friend A has a problem with Friend D who is also a hockey player, and would like to confide in both friends B and C, Friend B advised Friend A against calling Friend C in because Friend C does not belong to their group – and they are all common friends. Weird? I think I’d stand a better chance at sanity counting the number of stars in the night sky. These are friends who love to run your life for you – dictators in a small sense.

Some are just friends with you because of either who you are, or because they think you should be going out with them. The moment you tell them to back off, they become your enemy. Sore losers.

So choose your friends carefully, and treasure those you can have as best friends. And keep the rubbish out. It’s healthy that way. The rubbish would normally, by some freak chance, come from relatively the same area as the other rubbish. Maybe all their shit’s contaminated their water table – the very source of drinking water that they, in that area, have.

And I am easily amused by this best friend of mine who was imitating every moves of a boy on ASTRO CERIA’s Tom Tom Bak>. She’s one of my best friends. And no one can change that status of ours.

Nisaa dancing and singing