It is no secret that I love to read when I am on the porcelain throne. I’d normally grab a magazine or a newspaper, and my session would be just fine; failing which, I will just grab a toothpaste tube, or a bottle of shampoo or shower gel and read every single fine print available just to make my toilet session an easy one.
Recently, I read a woman’s magazine belonging to Wifey, and almost spoiled the session because I laughed out loud. In the magazine is an article listing 31 ways to drive a man totally wild. The tagline said “Little tips for every day of the month that will make your husband a very happy man!” Let me list them down and tell you what I think of some of the items.
Place a silk scarf inside his briefcase with a little note that says, “You will need this later tonight in bed.”
And for what? Tell me, please.
Wear a daringly low-cut top, and during dinner “innocently” reach over for the salt.
We don’t have salt bottle on the table. Would sambal belacan do?
Sit on his lap during a party or an outdoor barbeque…and align your private parts with his.”
Depending on how mine is parked, it can be painful for me, and whenever Wifey sits on my lap, she’d jump roff right away because there’s always something hard poking at her butt – my wallet.
Give him a sensual chest massage.
I’ve got bad back. So I prefer a backrub to a chest massage. And if it’s good, I’d fall asleep right away. If it’s bad, I’ll just push it away.
Seduce him in the kitchen!
Hello, with so many things burning on the stove, not a good idea.
Tell him you need the car keys, then dip your hand in his front pocket and fish around for them.
I normally leave the car keys where it should be. I have a wallet, a hanky, two mobile phones, my Vicks inhaler and a dental floss in my pockets. Why would I want to add more deadweight?
Have a romp in a tight space.
My waistline is 42, for God’s sake!
Go for a morning jog together then pounce on him while you’re both still sweaty and breathing heavily.
Admire him blatantly when he gets out of his morning shower. Whistle when he walks by you in the bedroom.
And I will go, “What a pervert!”
Write this on a notecard: I’M LUSTING FOR YOUR_________________ I WANT YOU TO TAKE MY ____________________ AND _____________________ WITH YOUR __________________. Pass it to him and ask him to fill in the blanks any way he wants.
I’M LUSTING FOR YOUR poems I WANT YOU TO TAKE MY notebook AND write WITH YOUR pen.
Call him slightly scandalous new nickname: Cowboy, Stallion, Lover.
I’ll holler back CHEE SIN.
Pinch his butt when he walks by.
Keep the door open while you shower…
And I’ll go, “Are you wearing a leather jacket in the shower, Honey?”
Gosh…what’s happened to spontaneity?