Last Day Of Ramadhan – Balik Kampung..Oh Oh Oh..Balik Kampung

As of last night, Wifey was still contemplating whether to go back to Johor or not.  She almost decided not to go back and that would have meant the three of us (including my eldest daughter, Hana) to hole ourselves up here in the KL Crib.  Fazira is back in Kedah with her mom, Nisaa and Farhan are in Klang at their maternal grandma’s place, Ali has gone back to Kedah with his father.  Medina and Yunus are already in Batu Pahat.

Just the three of us left.

This morning, it was decided that we are going to spend our Hari Raya in Johor.  So in less than an hour, we’ll be making our way back South.  Last year, I made my way Northeastwards to the Perhentians.  I somehow wish I could spend this Raya on an island somewhere…diving.

Anyway, for the past two nights, Wifey, Hana, Ali (for the first night only), and I have been breaking our fast outside. The first night was at The Curve after failing to find a F&B outlet that wasn’t full at the Subang Parade.

Phad Thai Thalay
Wifey’s Phad Thai Thalay

Black Pepper Soft Shell Crab
My Black Pepper Soft Shell Crab

Later that night, together with Liverpool Babe, Neomesuff and her husband, we went out shopping at the Ramadhan Bazaar along Jalan Tuanku Abdul Rahman.

Wifey and Liverpool Babe checking the authenticity of the original imitation clothes
Wifey and Liverpool Babe checking the authenticity of the original imitation clothes

Normi giving purchasing instructions to Wan
Neomesuff: “Yang, make sure you buy for me these things one lorry load!”
Wan: “Hait!”

Long way home
Finally…4am was when we all headed back home…and my vision went blur

After sahur, Wifey and I woke up late, rushed to do some work, then went to pick up Hana. I spent some time with Nisaa and Farhan before we left for Ampang Park because Wifey had to shop for some clothes for Medina and Yunus. Then I though I’d give Wifey and Hana a treat, berbuka puasa outside for the final time this year, by taking them to al-Rawsha. The queue was extremely long, and the food sucked big time. They should stick to ala carte.

Non-Alcoholic Barbarian
If these had alcohol, they would have been labelled as Barbarian

Food
Food at al-Rawsha

Food at al-Rawsha
Food at al-Rawsha

That night, Hana and Wifey made Hazelnut Suji for Hari Raya at another Hana’s place. I had to rush off to the Havana Club for a business meeting with Orang Kaya Besar Laxamana Gempita Gemgem al-Qohol, and the Forlorn Soldier.

Hana making suji while watching TV
Watching TV or making suji?

What's cooking, Honey?
What’s cooking, Honey? And I don’t mean what’s in the oven!”

Hazelnut Suji
Hazelnut Suji – my favourite

Meeting location
Meeting location

Gemgem and Forlorn Soldier in serious discussion
Gemgem and the Forlorn Soldier in serious discussion

And today, we left KL for Batu Pahat at 3.45pm. Woke up at 10.45am and Wifey quickly made some rendang to take back with us. We got caught in the crawl just before the Sungai Besi toll, then between Nilai and Seremban. After that I was whacking between 140 to 150 on the highway. We made a quick stop at the Ayer Keroh R&R to buy some KFC chicken and to refuel.

We made it as far as Parit Yaani, or half an hour from Batu Pahat, when it was time to break fast, and we broke fast inside the car for the last time this year.

This has been a remarkable and wonderful Ramadhan for me – the first Ramadhan that I’ve been truly happy.

Hana SMSing with Fazira
Hana SMSing with Fazira who was in Kedah

The usual crawl
The usual crawl

Almost there
Finally, almost there

Wifey having her Zinger
Wifey having her KFC Zinger for berbuka puasa

So, my friends, Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir dan Batin. Drive carefully to and from wherever your destination may be. With that, I leave you with P Ramlee’s original version of the all-time Hari raya favourite: DENDANG PERANTAU.

Dendang Perantau – P.Ramlee

Hari Raya Mood

Today is the third last day of fasting.  Soon, Muslims in Malaysia especially, will be celebrating Aidil Fitri.  Other than having Wifey with me, Hari Raya doesn’t mean much to me anymore.

Back in the early to mid-70s through the early 80s, Hari Raya is about going back to my maternal grandparents’ house in Kampung Jeransang.  It is located along the Benta to Jerantut road – Mukim Tanjung Besar in Benta District.  Those were the days when my cousin Harry and I would get chased by water buffalos after we pelt them with rocks, shoot bamboo cannons, get our fingers snapped by rat traps or bitten by Weaver Ants when we climb fruit trees. Then starting on the penultimate day of fasting, all of us, aunts and uncles included, would be cooking lemang, rendang, dodol and making cookies for the big day.  At night, we’d be eating still while playing sparklers and firecrackers.  The air would be filled with Hari Raya songs by the late Saloma and P Ramlee like “Selamat Hari Raya” (what else) and “Dendang Perantau.”

Nowadays, Hari Raya is much like any other festivities, and is far too commercialised for my liking.  I don’t know what monster could eat up RM100++ worth of food for berbuka when I can whack the same amount in JB for less than 20% of that price.  Hari Raya songs are being played in department stores a week before the commencement of fasting, and the fasting month is all about shopping, shopping, and shopping.  Then comes the last minute bargaining for cookies and cakes along Jalan Tuanku Abdul Rahman and these cookies will be on the coffee table of a home until almost the next Hari Raya.

And as for my maternal grandparents’ home, my grandparents have left us all 10 years ago.  My cousins are all married and some even have their grandchildren visiting them this Hari Raya.  No more bamboo cannons and firecrackers.  No more water buffalos as this generation does not want to work the rice fields anymore.

The romance of Hari Raya is all but gone forever.

And with that goes my mood too.

Hari Raya Weather

This weather forecast is for dates commencing first Hari Raya (Wednesday 1st October 2008) through third Hari Raya (3rd October 2008) only:

Kangar: Day 1 – 3 morning and afternoon thunderstorms. Night no rain.

Alor Setar: Day 1 – 3 morning and afternoon thunderstorms. Night no rain.

Georgetown: Day 1 – 3 morning and afternoon thunderstorms. Night no rain.

Ipoh: Day 1 – 3 morning and afternoon thunderstorms. Night no rain.

Kuala Lumpur: Day 1 – 3: sunny.

Petaling Jaya: Day 1 – 3: sunny.

Shah Alam: Day 1 – 3: sunny.

Seremban: Day 1 – 3: sunny.

Melaka: Day 1 – 3: sunny.

Johor Bahru: Day 1 – 3: sunny.

Kuantan: Day 1 – 3: rain in the afternoon.

Kuala Terengganu: Day 1 – 3: sunny.

Kota Bharu: Day 1 – 3: sunny.

Kota Kinabalu: Day 1 – 3 afternoon thunderstorms. Morning and night no rain.

Kudat: Day 1 – 3 morning cloudy  and afternoon thunderstorms. Night no rain.

Sandakan: Day 1: rain in the afternoon. Morning and night no rain.  Days 2 & 3: sunny.

Tawau: Day 1 – 3: sunny.

Miri: Day 1 – 3: sunny.

Kuching:  Day 1 – 3 morning and afternoon thunderstorms. Night no rain.

SELAMAT MENYAMBUT HARI RAYA AIDIL FITRI

31 Ways To Not Drive Me Wild

Angels in Stockings, UK

It is no secret that I love to read when I am on the porcelain throne. I’d normally grab a magazine or a newspaper, and my session would be just fine; failing which, I will just grab a toothpaste tube, or a bottle of shampoo or shower gel and read every single fine print available just to make my toilet session an easy one.

Recently, I read a woman’s magazine belonging to Wifey, and almost spoiled the session because I laughed out loud. In the magazine is an article listing 31 ways to drive a man totally wild. The tagline said “Little tips for every day of the month that will make your husband a very happy man!” Let me list them down and tell you what I think of some of the items.

Place a silk scarf inside his briefcase with a little note that says, “You will need this later tonight in bed.”

And for what? Tell me, please.

Wear a daringly low-cut top, and during dinner “innocently” reach over for the salt.

We don’t have salt bottle on the table. Would sambal belacan do?

Sit on his lap during a party or an outdoor barbeque…and align your private parts with his.”

Depending on how mine is parked, it can be painful for me, and whenever Wifey sits on my lap, she’d jump roff right away because there’s always something hard poking at her butt – my wallet.

Give him a sensual chest massage.

I’ve got bad back. So I prefer a backrub to a chest massage. And if it’s good, I’d fall asleep right away. If it’s bad, I’ll just push it away.

Seduce him in the kitchen!

Hello, with so many things burning on the stove, not a good idea.

Tell him you need the car keys, then dip your hand in his front pocket and fish around for them.

I normally leave the car keys where it should be. I have a wallet, a hanky, two mobile phones, my Vicks inhaler and a dental floss in my pockets. Why would I want to add more deadweight?

Have a romp in a tight space.

My waistline is 42, for God’s sake!

Go for a morning jog together then pounce on him while you’re both still sweaty and breathing heavily.

Eeeeewww!

Admire him blatantly when he gets out of his morning shower. Whistle when he walks by you in the bedroom.

And I will go, “What a pervert!

Write this on a notecard: I’M LUSTING FOR YOUR_________________ I WANT YOU TO TAKE MY ____________________ AND _____________________ WITH YOUR __________________. Pass it to him and ask him to fill in the blanks any way he wants.

I’M LUSTING FOR YOUR poems I WANT YOU TO TAKE MY notebook AND write WITH YOUR pen.

Call him slightly scandalous new nickname: Cowboy, Stallion, Lover.

I’ll holler back CHEE SIN.

Pinch his butt when he walks by.

Pervert.

Keep the door open while you shower…

And I’ll go, “Are you wearing a leather jacket in the shower, Honey?”

Gosh…what’s happened to spontaneity?

Hari Raya Memories

Balik Kampung - credit to Aljawhar at WordPressHari Raya cards hanging on a Christmas tree that mostly said “Season Greetings” than “Selamat Hari Raya”. I was 5 years old. And that was in Bukit Peringgit, Melaka. The year – 1971.

That’s as far as I can recall of my first memories of Hari Raya. As a child, Hari Raya was always being eagerly waited by me, and thousands of other kids in Malaysia (at least). That very year we moved to our house in Section 16, PJ. That neighbourhood was fun; I had neighbours, friends and what-nots. When my father became the IGP in 1974, that was when he first hosted an open house. The food was good, courtesy of his entertainment allowance. We played sparklers, and when I was 9, my baju melayu’s sleeve caught fire, but the guard quickly acted and put the flame out. We moved to our quarters just before Tun Razak died, and from 1976 through 1994 (when my father retired, virtually all haris raya were celebrated there – save for 1984 through 1986, and 1991 (when I first got married).

I also loved the haris raya spent at my maternal grandparents place in Kampung Jeransang, Benta district, in Pahang. It was the only time all of us get to converge and meet each other.

After my divorce in 1996, I lost all passion for Hari Raya. It no longer had any meaning for me. Hari Raya for me would end with the end of the morning prayer. After that I would just head home, eat a bit, and spend the day sleeping. And last year’s was the saddest – I celebrated alone. My elder kids went back to Kedah, while my younger ones celebrated with their mother in Klang. I remember that image of Nisaa entering the room in her baju kurung, walked up to me, salam me, and gave me a good long hug. I just kissed her head with her Maggi hair in my face.

It was a sad day.

Nisaa about to wish me selamat hari raya

I ate leftovers that raya morning, with Ribena. Only friends wished me Hari Raya. None from my family members, none from that person who claimed to love me with all her heart. Not a single wish from her, even as I was making my way to the Perhentian Islands that night.

Never spend Hari Raya alone. And if you have to, make sure your TV set is not tuned to any of the local terrestrial channels that would have the occassional takbir to remind you of how miserable it is to spend hari raya alone.

Never spend hari raya alone…never…ever again.

And Soon It Is Hari Raya Again

My son, Farhan, and my daughter, Nisaa, will be celebrating Hari Raya at their maternal grandmother’s home in Klang. My second daughter, Fazira, will be going back to Kedah to be with her mother for Hari Raya. My eldest, Hana, is unsure. She might join me, or she might join Farhan and Nisaa.

Hari Raya is never for me.

Cook Spook

Nigella Lawson

Well, that’s Nigella Lawson up there.

I’m sitting here watching AFC, watching Vivien Tan cooking on the rooftop of some Singapore skyscraper, and began to wonder why can’t Malaysia cook up a cooking program like this, or like Nigella’s. With the exception of Chef Wan, there isn’t anything worth watching. Every single ‘celebrity’ chef will be addressing the audience with the formality of a minister.

“Tuan-tuan dan puan-puan, sekarang kita hiris bawang ini halus-halus dengan pisau yang tajam ini, ya?”

What the fork is that? It sounds like some Tauhid session in a mosque after Isya’ prayers.

“Anak-anak, hari ni ustaz akan mengajar mengenai Sifat 20. Sifat yang pertama, ya anak-anak, ialah Wujud. Wujud itu maknanya Ada. Minggu depan kita belajar sifat yang kedua pulak, ya anak-anak?”

Don’t talk about camera angles, la. I doubt that they use MCP. Probably just a single camera and the cameraman’s somewhere in the cafetaria outside having coffee. Sometimes you have a chef cooking something, and they will put an actor or actress as a co-host of the show. And while the chef speaks in that formal tone as per above, you get this bimbo co-host parroting every single word because he/she hasn’t got as much as a rat’s ass-sized idea of what’s happening. Well, I cannot blame them since a squid would probably have a higher IQ than they.

Recently, Wifey pointed out to me that for the month of Ramadhan, they have a religious teacher as a co-host on one of RTM1’s cooking program. And while this chef is busy trying to explain to the audience about the process of cooking a meal, you have this ustaz giving lectures on morality and religion. What cow-shit-for-brain producer came out with that concept? Such a turn-off, that. Imagine this:

Chef: “Baiklah tuan-tuan dan puan-puan, sekarang kita buangkan kulit bawang ini sebab kita tidak memerlukannya.”

Ustaz: “Hatta diingatkan kepada semua supaya tidak membazir kerana perbuatan membazir ini adalah perbuatan rakan-rakan syaitan.”

Go eat the bleeding kulit bawang, you plonk! Why can’t this plonk of an ustaz do more research on the ingredients and find some religious connotation to the word “onion” or something.

Seriously, you watch a Singapore production, you know that they have positioned the program for worldwide distribution, while the ones produced in Malaysia will have to rely heavily on sponsors for airtime.

In the meantime, I shall enjoy watching some mamak cook something in a dirty kitchen in the back lane. More entertainment there.

Sehari Berpuasa Di Koleq 26 Tahun Yang Lampau

Malay College Centenary Celebration's First Day Cover

Puasa di Kuala Kangsar zaman aku kat Koleq memang best. Beberapa kali kami di Perak mula berpuasa lambat dari KL, dan raya awal sehari…courtesy of Almarhum Sultan Perak ketika itu (Sultan Idris Shah).

Hari-hari berpuasa bermula jam 2.00 pagi bila kitorang dihidangkan nasi panas yang dah sejuk, ikan kembung pecah perut goreng yang dah lemau dan tidak garing lagi, sayur kobis sejuk, dan kuah masak lemak asam keping. Sebagai tambahan, telur rebus yang lazimnya diberikan untuk breakfast, diletakkan bersama dalam tray aluminium tersebut. Air sirap dan kopi-O yang kalau panas memang bonus. Lepas tu balun tidur balik…subuh memang entah ke mana la masa tu.

Masa class, pukul 10 pagi perut dah mula berkeroncong. Apa tak nya. Kala bulan biasa, masuk class pagi-pagi ada nasi goreng sepinggan dengan sambal telur dan keropok hancur yang ditebarkan atas nasi sebagai condiment. Pukul 10 pagi ada break, dan kebiasaannya aku beli laksa tiga kupang (30 sen) dengan air sirap sekupang (10 sen)…kasi RM1.00 tapi dapat balik RM4.60. Arwah Makcik Kantin tu ada husband yang ‘blur’. Aku kasi seringgit tak sampai 20 saat kemudian dia akan berpaling kepada aku sambil bertanya, “Tadi mike (mee-ke) kasi lima hengget ye?” Aku angguk aje la. Tak lah hari-hari dia macam tu. Tapi aku rasa bila makcik kantin tak kasi dia henjut malam sebeum tu, esok muka laki dia memang macam cipan tanah…dan blur sial sebab air dah penuh dan pekat macam Colgate meleleh ikut telinga.

Mungkin jugak taik telinga dia cair dulu…meleleh keluar.

Apa pun, balik lunch balun tidur sampai afternoon prep bila masa aku bangun tidur dan pergi ke class untuk sambung tidur. Aku tak boleh lupa classmate aku sorang yang birthdaynya sehari sebelum aku punya, tidur dan tak ada siapa pun kejut dia…lepas berbuka baru dia balik dan masuk dining hall dengan masih beruniform sekolah. Muka berbirat macam stretchmarks pompuan beranak, dan airliur basi dah berkerak kat tepi mulut.

Masa games petang ada la yang turun main takraw, yang suka tepuk telur sendiri pergi main basketball. Swimmers macam aku nak main apa? Jadi aku pun terus ukur tilam atas katil, pejam mata dan bermimpikan sedang main games petang tu. Pukul 6 baru nak bangun mandi dan sebagainya. Masuk dining hall pukul 6.45 petang. Dan disebabkan kitorang tahun tu dapat jadi Perak Champ untuk swimming dan water polo, maka kitorang pun duduk di meja asing dari orang lain dan dapat ‘special rations’. Makan sedap dari orang lain la.

Lepas tu pergi sembahyang terawih. Masjid baru tak siap lagi dan masjid lama dah diruntuhkan. Jadi kitorang join jemaah sembahyang kat madrasah yang dinaiktaraf as masjid. Aku selalunya buat 8 raka’at aje. Aku punya reasoning sebab Nabi tak pernah buat lebih dari 8 dan 20 cuma mula time Saidina Omar al-Khattab. Sebenarnya aku tak suka nak berpeluh-peluh dalam baju melayu hitam aku yang gerenti ‘dry cleaning’ hari-hari (terminologi sekarang ialah recycle) sehingga semut mula hurung baju. Lepas tu bukannnya aku balik ke dorm. Aku lepak lagi kat madrasah mengacau orang sembahyang. Kalau ada member yang sembahyang dan ruku’, aku dengan geng-geng aku mula la kacau tegur pasal bontot mamat ni la, dan sebaginya. Bila dia tahyat akhir dan jari dia angkat masa dua kalimah syahadah, kitorang buat bentuk ‘O’ dengan jari tangan dan masukkan jari yang diangkat tu kedalam ‘O’ tadi….kalau mamat tu senyum ke, tahan gelak ke, memang kena la remarks macam “Tak khusyuk” or “Sembahyang mana boleh senyum” dan sebagainya.

Habis terawih, balun moreh dulu kat madrasah sebelum balik ke dining hall untuk makan kuih dan minum kopi O atau teh melekit perasa gula satu lori.

1982 adalah tahun World Cup. Jadi kitorang dibenarkan ke Dewan Tun Abdul Razak (Dewan TAR) untuk tengok bola. Aku, Jawa, Bawang, Adlan (Adlan Ali…bukan Adlan Ahmad kat Iskandar tu) akan pergi lastik cicak, especially kalau Thursday Night Friday. Kitorang kumpulkan semua bangkai cicak tadi dan sapukan ke bawah pintu bilik Pengetua. Aktiviti ini akan berterusan sehinggalah tiba masa untuk bersahur lagi jam 2 pagi.

Sekian, kisah satu hari berpuasa di Koleq 26 tahun yang lampau. Semoga anda telah terhibur. Kita jumpa lagi di rangkaian yang sama, pada waktu dan hari yang sama minggu hadapan.

Suatu Pagi Ramadhan Lebih 20 Tahun Lalu

6.30 pagi. Kami duduk beramai-ramai di atas Bukit Tyndall memakai half-celoreng bersama poncho. Cuaca bukannya hujan, tetapi poncho adalah pakaian harian kami di pagi begini. Dan kami sedang menunggu PTI (Physical Training Instructor) kami bernama Sergeant Wan Su (bersara sebagai Flight Sergeant), dan beliau merupakan orang yang paling kami benci semasa latihan kadet. Hmm…salah seorang dari yang dibenci sebenarnya, cuma Wan Su ni sickening di pagi hari.

Setiap pagi hari Isnin, akan menjadi suatu lumrah bagi Wan Su untuk membuat kami berlari 10 round keliling padang bola sambil mengangkat seorang buddy sama ada dalam keadaan darling carry ataupun fireman lift. Lepas itu beliau akan suruh kami membuat side-roll dan forward-roll dan tak akan berhenti sehingga kami semua muntah, tak kira di bulan Ramadhan mahupun bulan biasa. “Pecah lemak lepas weekend,” katanya.

Cipet.

6.35 pagi. Wan Su tidak muncul-muncul. Beberapa orang pegawai kadet mula mendoakan agar Wan Su ditimpa kemalangan jalanraya supaya pagi tersebut kami tak kena torture oleh beliau. Kami mula berseloroh mengenai bagaimana Wan Su akan terpele’ot dilanggar lori hantu, atau dilanggar lori babi hingga terpelanting ke dalam hutan dan tidak disedari oleh sesiapa pun.

6.45 pagi. Harapan semakin cerah, semakin cerah bak pandangan ketika itu. Ada yang dah mula menyuruh squad leader memberi arahan supaya bersurai kerana pada jam 8.00 pagi biasanya ada room inspection oleh duty officer, dan selepas itu latihan akademik (latihan kawad biasanya jam 12 tengahari ke atas – waktu dan masa yang gerenti akan meleburkan sel-sel otak).

6.55 pagi. Kami semua tersenyum. Mungkin akhirnya doa kami dimakbulkan Tuhan, dan Wan Su kini selamat berehat di dalam hutan dengan motor cub-chai di atas kepalanya. Lagi 5 minit matapelajaran PT (physical training) akan tamat. Kami pun mula membuka poncho, dan squad leader mula menyuruh kami berbaris untuk bersurai.

Tiba-tiba kedengaran bunyi sebuah cub-chai bodoh. Dan muncul wajah cipet Wan Su dengan sengeh babinya.

“Kau orang ingat aku dah mampus?” tanya beliau dengan suara yang amat sickening.

Rupanya dia telah meminta kebenaran Komandan supaya boleh beliau torture kami sehingga jam 9.30 pagi.

Memang sial!

5 tahun lepas aku terserempak dengan Wan Su yang kini bekerja sebagai seorang pengawal keselamatan di salah sebuah hospital kerajaan.

“Apa naik badan ni tuan?” tanya beliau kepada aku. “Duduk dengan saya sebulan kasi saya torture bagi kurus balik.”

Aku tengok muka dia, tak habis-habis sickening, dan aku tahu dia bukannya joking.

Cipet.