I was at the car workshop near my place just now minding my own business when out of the blue someone greeted me with a big slap on my back. Lucky for him I was surfing Gmail on my phone when he did that; usually instinct would tell me to quickly take one side-step, quick cuff applied to the Adam’s Apple, and knuckles to hit the nose bone so it would slide all the way back into the brain, maiming him instantly, killing him a few seconds later. I turned to look at him, half-pissed, and said, “Oh, hi!” I said. “I thought it was you. You were looking good from afar. Here you’re looking far from good.””
He laughed. “Isn’t it a bit early for sarcasms?” he asked.
Oh, WOW! He actually knows what SARCASM is. I thought that such a big word would be beyond his comprehension. Somehow, it hits me that although he knows the definition of the word, he’s just too thick to recognise that it was directed at him. Seriously, I do not know anyone who hasn’t yet made a sarcastic remark or gesture towards him. If you feel pain in the butt, look behind you and you might just find him there. He is the type that during the Residents Association meetings, would interject at every single opportunity he gets. If you talk about security companies, he knows the best; if you talk about R.A-organised dinners; he would come out with the concept and how to go about it; when the BN local councillors didn’t do their job properly, the Opposition was good to him, Now he says that they are as bad as the ones in the BN. But when asked to be a committee member he would go, “It’s okay. You guys are doing a good job. Just carry on.” If you stand and chat in a group, he would butt in and take over the conversation. You want to change your oil filter, he would suggest something out-of-the-ordinary for your car. You talk about the problems your car has, he would tell you about his Beemer that is problem-free.
He is just a pain in the butt.
So there he was yakking away like a crazed Yak, going on about politics and so on, and how this Datuk and that Tan Sri had related to him the most confidential of all confidential details of the local political scene, while I ignored him completely, checking all e-mail accounts…repeatedly. The best part is, he kept on yakking away even when the foreman came to tell me to pick the car up at noon.
Suddenly he stopped. “I see you have been ignoring me,” he said. “Why do you people always ignore me like there is nothing I can give?”
I put my phone into my pocket, held his shoulder and said, “There is something that only you can give that we all would like very much from you.”
His eyes glittered as if he had just gotten the best news in life ever. “Really?” he smiled wide. “What’s that?”
“Your absence,” I replied and walked away leaving him dumbfounded.
I’m sure he has just found out that he is dumb.