I don’t know why am I depressed right now. Is it because I was so looking forward to attend a meeting only to be slammed down by…politics? Yes, politics is everywhere. And the mere mention of the word makes you think of one thing:
Anyway, I think I am also in this downward swing right now…for some reason best known to me others can try guess. There are times when certain matters bog you down and you just don’t know how to move forward. Or if you do want to move forward, other circumstances surrounding the matter drags the thing that you lack the forward thrust to even budge.
And then, there is me. It is not easy being me, and it isn’t easy trying NOT to be me. It is not easy being me because I have six kids with me, two of whom are not mine, but are with me because they share the same mother as two of my own. But I treat them as mine. The fact that they are with me says a lot about the other party (parties): that not all women are maternal in nature, not all wives are good, not all women are victims, not all men are beasts. And as in single mothers, the same goes for me that it isn’t easy being both parents rolled into one person.
Kids are simple. To them you are a bottomless pit of money, the epitome of all knowledge, you are the provider that you cannot question the role. They don’t know how difficult it is to get a single sen, they don’t know the pain you face because of the happy face you put up as a facade. Of course, once in a while I’d whoop their ass if they fail to toe the line. Then comes the EX factor. You whoop your kids’ ass they complain to your ex. And your ex’s role is very simple. He/she takes the kids during the weekends, or whenever they feel like dropping in as if they still own that part of the house that you and the kids live in, take the kids out, buy them the things you WOULDN’T buy them because they fail to complete a homework given, or did not perform well in their studies…then they leave the kids with you. And what do you get? You get compared to your ex. Suddenly, because of the routine your kids have set in with you, you are the most boring, most unfriendly, most not understanding person your kids have been with. And your ex is the best person on earth. I used cili padi on one of my kids’ mouth when I heard that statement made to me.
Then you have to juggle between your kids and your social life…kids want your time, you want some time for yourself. I am lucky because I have three grown up kids to monitor the other three. So, it is mostly autorun as far as the routine in this house goes.
Then of course there is that stigma: single parent. If you are a single mother, every single man thinks you are now in dire need of great sex sessions. If you are a single father, every parent would want your daughter to stay away from you. Suddenly, you hear words like “The power of Christ compels you!” and see someone do this:
I wish I could puke green shit at them. Come on, at least three of my friends are in a bad marriage because they are being mistreated by their wife…two of whom are married to a wife who is honest-to-God-pious, pray ten times a day and wear the tudung. One of those friends I mentioned was once divorced because his wife brought another man back to their house. When she gave birth to their eldest son, she left him and the baby for England to be with a boyfriend of hers, and I helped babysit the baby while my friend rushed to England to win his wife back. In the end, I made a correction to a verse in a holy book that said:
“The meek shall inherit the earth.”
To me, the meek shall inherit SHIT.
There is always Yin and Yang in everything. Man was happy in Paradise, so God made him a wife – so the joke goes. Likewise, Man was the prototype, Woman is the commercial model.
So, here I am…I’ve let it off my chest so I can become me again. And this is how I deal with things so I can go home to Yummy Baby smiling, and not waste time over petty things that got to me. With her, I want to start smiling early…rather than later.
I’m hungry. I feel hungry now. I can’t wait to taste her cooking for tonight.